This past visit was no different from any other visits as a whole. In the 15 years H and I have been together it has always been the same. H gets jealous of the attention I give others and feels slighted because I am not focusing on him. And I get mad because I feel pulled in so many different directions because of this. We have had major fights over the years because of this . I stopped going home more then every year and a half for a long time. Have left early when we have went. And just basically come home feeling terrible each time. When my step dad had a heart attack and when my grandfather died I flew home by myself or only one child in tow. These were the best visits I had. Thinking on this and the fact my family was getting old and my want to be around them some I started going home more frequently without him for about two years. I rarely went solo I would take one to all of the kids. Again these were more enjoyable visits I did not feel I had to entertain him so was free to just enjoy myself until the homecomming at least which were usually pretty nasty. But after I left for three weeks last year and came back it was forbidden for me to go off on my own. He has relented to let me go to the beach twice once alone and once with child in tow since least year. Homecoming on the solo trip was aweful. But Ohio is forbidden to go solo still. Why because I may do something with a sister I have old friends there I may choose to visit. I may run into a ex boyfriend and say hi. I may not be within phone reach for him to check on me if I stay at my older sisters. And I may have a fun day without him.
Planning something to make it better next time. Well he does nothing but sit around and wait while we are in Ohio. If we spend the day at my moms he is bored and wants to do something. Okay I don't stop him. I encouraged him to go visit his Uncle nope would not do because I would be out of his sight. I always encourage him to just go do something if he is bored nope won't do if I am not going. And I am not leaving my family the reason I drove 9 hours to go be with him when I am with him every dam day. And even if my attention is not focused on him I am still with him. That may sound selfish of me but I see it as selfish of him that he cannot be responsible enough for himself for 6 days out of a year to allow me to enjoy my family.(mind you to of those six where mainly in a car coming and going to Ohio).
I really was thrown this time because he said he understood that I was going there to be with my family not him and did not want to deal all his bull this time. He said he understood was the only reason I went. On the car ride home H told me I needed to decide if I wanted to be with him or not. And that I treated him terrible while we were gone. Hello what? How?
Well the three days we slept on my moms I slept downstairs in my gramas area with the two youngest boys. And he slept up stairs in the spare room with the oldest boy. The reason my step dad as a [censored] even when kids are doing nothing really wrong he gets pissed and goes off. So to keep my kids from doing any alleged wrong doing I make sure they are within our sight and control at all times. My younger kids are required to retire at 8 at my parents house. So I stay with them down stairs while they watch a movie or such to make sure they do not start playing around and make much noise until they go to sleep S13 is a night owl and if put to bed with his younger brother will pick and play and keep him awake. This is not a real bad thing but they can become quite loud at times. I have to make sure they do not touch things or leave anything lying around that will set my dad off so hence the sleeping arrangements which so upset my H. The two nights we spent at my sisters H and I slept in the same bed. But did not have sex another sin I committed against him. But sorry I do not feel comfortable having sex in someone elses home. Never have never will. So I treated him terrible because I slept in a different room then him for 3 nights and then slept with him for 2 nights and did not have sex. WTF? When we were leaving Ohio we stopped at my friends to pick up a skycab they were letting us borrow. I knowing my H had not really enjoyed much of our trip suggested staying awhile longer and him and the boys go to the driving range with my friends H. He likes to golf so I figured this would make him happy. My friend can not drive so I took her to walmart we were gone maybe two hours. This was the second time if you count my short trip to the grocery store with my little sister that I was not within ear shot of my H and though he has not said anything I think he is also pissed I went to the store with my girlfriend. Okay the lady is 65 years old what were we out whoring around no we were at walmarts.
Any how the next morning when I woke up H again said I need to decide if I want to be with him. I told him I did not understand what his problem was. But that it seems to me no matter what I do it is never good enough for him. And I am tired and frustrated. That he needs to decide for himself not leave it to me since I am the one that can not satisfy home no matter what. He disagreed and got ugly conversation ended.
Since he has been exploding over everything which is usual behavior. I am just so frustrated that I am staying to myself I feel pretty defeated in my efforts. I don't want to fight but he seems to want to so I am just trying to keep my mouth shut he can fight with himself.
