Dancing with my Devils

[Greeneyedlass]

IHJ,

You have a great point. A couple of weeks ago when visiting my family I felt very alone too. My Grandmartyr (yes I said martyr) is a very difficult woman to be around...and well, lets just say it my folks are boring!!! I really needed my H to be there more for me, I really needed more from him....but instead he was pretty absent. Made himself busy doing things so he didn't have to be around much. It wasn't a slap at me or my family really....I'd have been gone too if I could have....he was just uncomfortable, but by doing what he did...I felt pretty abandoned too.

Making sure you two have some time together...even if it's just a walk, a dinner out....something really does help keep you connected.

GEL

[Chrissy]

IHJ,

This past visit was no different from any other visits as a whole. In the 15 years H and I have been together it has always been the same. H gets jealous of the attention I give others and feels slighted because I am not focusing on him. And I get mad because I feel pulled in so many different directions because of this. We have had major fights over the years because of this . I stopped going home more then every year and a half for a long time. Have left early when we have went. And just basically come home feeling terrible each time. When my step dad had a heart attack and when my grandfather died I flew home by myself or only one child in tow. These were the best visits I had.
Thinking on this and the fact my family was getting old and my want to be around them some I started going home more frequently without him for about two years. I rarely went solo I would take one to all of the kids. Again these were more enjoyable visits I did not feel I had to entertain him so was free to just enjoy myself until the homecomming at least which were usually pretty nasty. But after I left for three weeks last year and came back it was forbidden for me to go off on my own. He has relented to let me go to the beach twice once alone and once with child in tow since least year. Homecoming on the solo trip was aweful. But Ohio is forbidden to go solo still. Why because I may do something with a sister I have old friends there I may choose to visit. I may run into a ex boyfriend and say hi. I may not be within phone reach for him to check on me if I stay at my older sisters. And I may have a fun day without him.

Planning something to make it better next time. Well he does nothing but sit around and wait while we are in Ohio.
If we spend the day at my moms he is bored and wants to do something. Okay I don't stop him. I encouraged him to go visit his Uncle nope would not do because I would be out of his sight. I always encourage him to just go do something if he is bored nope won't do if I am not going.
And I am not leaving my family the reason I drove 9 hours to go be with him when I am with him every dam day. And even if my attention is not focused on him I am still with him. That may sound selfish of me but I see it as selfish of him that he cannot be responsible enough for himself for 6 days out of a year to allow me to enjoy my family.(mind you to of those six where mainly in a car coming and going to Ohio).

I really was thrown this time because he said he understood that I was going there to be with my family not him and did not want to deal all his bull this time. He said he understood was the only reason I went.
On the car ride home H told me I needed to decide if I wanted to be with him or not. And that I treated him terrible while we were gone. Hello what? How?

Well the three days we slept on my moms I slept downstairs in my gramas area with the two youngest boys. And he slept up stairs in the spare room with the oldest boy. The reason my step dad as a [censored] even when kids are doing nothing really wrong he gets pissed and goes off. So to keep my kids from doing any alleged wrong doing I make sure they are within our sight and control at all times.
My younger kids are required to retire at 8 at my parents house. So I stay with them down stairs while they watch a movie or such to make sure they do not start playing around and make much noise until they go to sleep S13 is a night owl and if put to bed with his younger brother will pick and play and keep him awake. This is not a real bad thing but they can become quite loud at times. I have to make sure they do not touch things or leave anything lying around that will set my dad off so hence the sleeping arrangements which so upset my H. The two nights we spent at my sisters H and I slept in the same bed. But did not have sex another sin I committed against him. But sorry I do not feel comfortable having sex in someone elses home.
Never have never will.
So I treated him terrible because I slept in a different room then him for 3 nights and then slept with him for 2 nights and did not have sex. WTF?
When we were leaving Ohio we stopped at my friends to pick up a skycab they were letting us borrow. I knowing my H had not really enjoyed much of our trip suggested staying awhile longer and him and the boys go to the driving range with my friends H. He likes to golf so I figured this would make him happy. My friend can not drive so I took her to walmart we were gone maybe two hours. This was the second time if you count my short trip to the grocery store with my little sister that I was not within ear shot of my H and though he has not said anything I think he is also pissed I went to the store with my girlfriend. Okay the lady is 65 years old what were we out whoring around no we were at walmarts.

Any how the next morning when I woke up H again said I need to decide if I want to be with him. I told him I did not understand what his problem was. But that it seems to me no matter what I do it is never good enough for him. And I am tired and frustrated. That he needs to decide for himself not leave it to me since I am the one that can not satisfy home no matter what. He disagreed and got ugly conversation ended.

Since he has been exploding over everything which is usual behavior. I am just so frustrated that I am staying to myself I feel pretty defeated in my efforts. I don't want to fight but he seems to want to so I am just trying to keep my mouth shut he can fight with himself.

[cinemanymph]

Chrissy,
I feel for ya sistah! My H does many of the things you describe your H doing in regards to you paying attention to others. It does absolutely nothing for the libido! The thing is, I am just a jealous as he is, but I have had a protective layer of I-don't-give-a-@#%$ for a long time. Giving up that protection was really hard, and is still hard to live without.

[Chrissy]

Cin,

Last year when I left H son 14 mom was spending alot of time here in my absences. I got very pissed/jealous not of her being with my H but with her coming into my house with my belongings and kids and trying to just instill herself in it. So I understand some aspects of jealousy. But to be jealous of someones own family seems absurd to me.

[cinemanymph]

Chrissy,

How did you handle your anger at having another woman in your home during your absence?

[Chrissy]

Cin.

All different ways. While I was gone my D told me she was here all the time. H even called me once to tell me she had been here since D caught her in the bedroom with H.
They were just talking he said. I don't know did not really care at the time. Was thinking she was doing me a favor really. But the more she was here and the more my H said it was to help him with the kids while he was at work and the more my kids would mention this or that about her. The more I got upset. One was because this is my house I worked for these are my belongings and these are my kids.
Two was because H was constently begging me to come home. And as you all know one of my largest issues with H is his lack of doing things for himself. My leaving should have forced his hand to start doing for himself instead he just had someone else fill in the blanks for him. Like cooking super tending to the kids and so forth.
But my big one was this was not the first of my sons friends moms my H befriended and had a unknown by me friendship with. It seemed like he makes a habit of that. And it left my oldest son in a bad place this was his best friends mother. I also did not and do not approve of revolving door syndrome. People who expose there children to everyone they date for two weeks then on to the next. And I felt this was what H was doing. And would continue to do had I not choose to come back. I keep it in my mind for futuer knowledge though.

The worst part of it all was my H was lambasting me for speaking to my exboyfriend and pretty much treating me like a whore for it. I did not tell him in that he was right to be mad but what he was doing was exactly the same.
He still to this day refuses to see it as such. I was wrong he was doing nothing wrong. Funny thing is my ex was trying to help me mentally and emotionally he was not encouraging me to leave my H. The OW was very interested in my H and was encouraging him to just get over it.
When I first came back I decided to give him a taste of his own medicine. I accused him of as much as he accused me of. She had bought some things for the house and left some of her things here. I pitched her things and hid the bought crockpot (why through a brand new thing away If she was stupid enough to by it) I threatened to tell her H to my H. The whole nine yards. I really did nothing but act. And probably not well since I do not have much experience to go off of jealousy wise. But I worked off my jealousy of someone else trying to step in and take my place with my kids. For awhile after I came home she would say hateful things about my to my son and put him in the middle trying to find out what was going on here. But she has since moved on to another man and another so I have been forgotten along with my H.

And though my H made himself a hypocrite in my eyes through his one sided judgement. And the kids still bring things up when mama shorty was here and H still trys to say he was not here he was at work the kids tell me different so he has also made himself a liar. Which admittedly I lied to him also. The difference is I lied out of fear he lied to take the superior highroad. It still does not bother me about what may or may not have happened inbetween the two of them that is between them and god. But it still does bother me about my kids

[cinemanymph]

Chrissy,

It sounds like there is a lot of issues to be dealt with before you recover your sexuality. Third and fourth party participation in a marriage does not make for fertile ground for healing and growth.

People do all sorts of horrific things because they are in pain, and though it doesn't make it anymore right, it's more understandable than if they are doing terrible things because they enjoy watching others suffer. The motives are moot if people don't use the pain as a catalyst for change. Do you think your H's history of chumming up to the mothers of your offspring is an attempt to purposely hurt you? What do you think he is getting out of these relationships?

[Chrissy]

Cin

What does my H get hmmm my idea it starts as feeling like a hero. Most of the friends moms are in abusive relationships and H is sympathtic lol that is pathetic in itself when you know my sitch. How it starts I am unsure I know the same people but do not speak to them about my life nor did they speak to me about there lives so how H and them started chatting it up is beyond me. And I have never been real interested in finding out either.
I am telling you I really have never been to concerned about this he can be friends with anyone he likes I really do not mind. What I do mind is he has female friends then lambast me if someone of the oppisite sex looks at me or speaks to me.
I have stated before if my H had or has a affair I do not think I would be devestated by it. If it came before the kids welfare I would be furious but to me if it meant he would stop being so insanely jealous or needy of all my attention I would almost feel it would be worth it.

You know I have been in a bad place since my trip to Ohio.
Everyday there has been atleast one blow up mainly him.

I know I keep going on about how he only touches me sexually. But again today as example I was walking out the door to the porch he came in the laundry room to say something to me. He had a hair on his shirt so I reached over to pick it off his shirt. He immediately took his hand and put it up under my shirt. WTF he always is doing this type of stuff and it makes me feel like [censored] I just looked down and sorta shook my head and he went off. I just let him run his mouth and went about my business. I refuse to fight anymore.

a little while later he wanted to know what my problem was why I was in a bad mood. Hello? I told him I was just tired of his inappropriate behavior towards me. He then tried to say he does not do it very often and cussed and carried on about how I am his wife so it is allowed and blah blah blah so I just went about my business yet again.

I am really frustrated right now but more that I am really tired of it all.

[cinemanymph]

Chrissy,
You are exactly where I was less than a year ago. My H constantly pawed me. Ya know the funny thing is that when I started to enjoy that pawing, he stopped doing it. One of his favorite things was to come up behind me when I was doing the dishes and start doing a bump and grind. It used to irritate the hell out of me and I would push him away and tell him to behave himself. Now I love to think, "hey I could get out of doing the dishes, woo hoo"! H doesn't do this anymore. During my LD days I could not imagine enjoying and persuing sexual connection, but I do both on a regular basis now. An important step was being here and interacting with the people on this board. Another was openmindedly reading the material suggested by various members here. Finally I have realized that LD and HD are relative terms. They only exist in a dynamics that couples themselves create. As I mentioned in the beginning of my post, my H has decided not to do things that I once considered irritating, but now consider enjoyable, and I think that is crux of the HD/LD dillema more than anything else. Feeling pushed or manipulated into having sexual feelings for your spouse does not spark desire. Though HD folks desperately want to believe that there is something they can do to spark desire in their spouse, most often their efforts are fruitless if the desire is not there to begin with. I know, I know, Michelle says "just do it" and you will enjoy it. "Just do it" is like asking a person with no appetite to eat. They might eat, but there is no savoring the flavor and texture, there is no enjoyment of every morsel. Maybe the point of all this ramble is to say that maybe the LD needs to be "hungry" to desire sex. By hungry I mean frustrated enough with the everpresent jagged pain of depression and the feeling that everyone else knows this fantastic secret you are not privy to, to seek permanent change. That kind of change comes from within and often is hampered by outside pressure. It starts with not defending yourself anymore, just letting whatever happens happen. It is through this letting go of sembalence of control that it is possible to connect with parts of yourself that are untarnished by your experience on this planet. My prayer for you, Chrissy, is that you will find that seed of hope within yourself, it will begin to grow and you will be experiencing things in a whole new way.

[Chrissy]

Cin,

I understand what you say in part. And when it comes to in the bedroom I am more tolerent of his behavior since I have come to this board and understand better that his sexual needs are important to him which makes it important to our R.
But when you look at the fact that every touch by him is of a sexual nature You should be able to see how this would make me feel like I am not worth anything else to him then being a sex toy. I am treated like a whore bought and paid for by a wedding ring and it is like a slap in the face on a daily basis. I am not worth touching if it is not about sex is how it seems to me. And this does not lead me to feel good about myself or about my R or my H.

I don't know Cin like I said since comming to this board I have developed a better understanding of his needs and have been trying to meet them with more openness and less resentment but he makes it hard to want to keep trying when he does things daily he knows that irratate me which makes me feel like me and my feelings are not important to him at all. It is all about him his wants and his needs.