Re Chrissy that post took me over 9 hours to write There was a lot in it content AND emotions. I am not surprised about the time.
I have never seen that honesty in any others eyes. I am remembering what Lil said, about what we think we see in others is really how we are feeling at the time. So maybe the honesty that you saw in bf#2 eye's was really you honesty. What you saw in his was probally honesty, sincerity, and from a real place in his mind, I an not trying to discount that, but it (what you saw) might just have been the catalysist to opening up your heart. I suspect those "opening up your heart" feelings are still there and you are having trouble finding them.
Like I said, I am no xepert on inner feelings. So dont try to deposit what I say in the bank. They might be written on some pre Civil War paper.
I realized at the time that by blocking my memories I also blocked off some of my emotions I hold mine in too and usually try to do the right thing most of the time.
he denies he ever felt anything for anyone except me and feels I should never have felt anything for anyone except him and since I have(,) I have cheated on him. So even though I was married to H 1 long before I meet him that was a sin against him and our R. Women/gals like stories about alnost men/guys on horses, maybe guys have a similar dream about being a gals first "true love." It makes thr M go smoother. Not reality I know.
I know it makes me feel bad sometimes to think I am only 75% as much fun or fill in the blank, as a previous lover. Mostly because I am in this M in the here and now. I am doing the daily stuff that makes a M.
Sure, On an intelectual level I can understand BB prior bf did some things better than I do but who wants to compete with a ghoast. Not me, and that would be my reason for being uncomfortable if BB brought up some hot steamy activities she had prior to meeting me.
Guys feel they have to measure up and that if you don't surpass some old bf in 95% of the ways, those 5% where you come up short take up too much of your time.
I am not saying your H should get bent out of shape and start a fight. That seems wrong.
What I think comes into play is guys worry if their W had someone else that was really close to, the guy might think he might not have her/your 100% loyality in an emotional way. That can be causing resentments, anger, fear, or what ever else there is in the feelings area.
I kind of subscribe to evolutionary biology and the "fight or flight" theory that says fighting is a natural response to a potential threat (old bf). This might play into your H feelings when old competition is discussed, even if the old bf in not in a position to compete for your love or time.
There are things I think about concerning an old gf but I would never tell BB about it. BB invents things that she might be envious of, but seeing how it might hurt her/BB I keep quiet. I don't want to open a can of worms and find maggots instead.
My R with my H is loving in the now but it is not based on honesty and understanding and sharing. I have had to be only half of who I am the entire time I have been with him. Anyway, I don't know how this helps you with wanting to get real with your H. Are you honest with him with things that took place after you met? That is what should count.
My thoughts would be to put a generic face on all your past feelings about bfs, parental figure males and what you did, liked, did not like, and say "I once had the thoughts of ______________ and I always wanted to ______________ to your H.
If you want to open up and talk about all of the things you did or felt with past relationships with males or females, The only place I see where that is safe to do would be in a group counceling setting with at least 5 couples and a good relationship and family counselor.
There your H will see the variety fo feelings and experiences people have. What you did and felt might not be viewed as so far from the norm. Group made me see the "Leave it to Beaver" / "Partridge Family" and similar experiences are not the norm for many people.
BB and I attended a group counseling session a couple of times and this type of C sessions are more real to me. We attendsed one communications group that was OK mostly because everyone stuck to the book. It might have been better if more people got real, but the purpose of the group was to learn what was in the book.
In the real group counseling sessions, others in the group would confront BS much better than an individual C usually did. The peopls seemed more real/honest too. The collective feelings and actions of a good group are really powerful, if you get into the right group.
Just my feelings on how to share your whole self and keep things under controll. It might or might not be for you.
