instead I tend to get overwhelmed with anxiety/depression.
So this is where the I don't understand comes in. I suffer depression have for years. When I went through my falling apart stage I was diagnosed as being severly depressed. I have been went through suicidal stages twice in my life diagnoses sever depression. I was on anti depressants for two years. Doc finally said to me a pill was not going to be able to make it better. Figuring out what makes me so depressed and making changes would make it better. Which I have been trying to do for well over a year now.
Some of the dreams I use to have would cause me anxeity attacks. I would wake up in a full fledged panic. I could not remember what I had been dreaming most of the time. But other times I would remember vividly. Most of those would be about my children. One I had often was of one of my children falling from a cliff like a park overview. And me jumping after them and then a voice telling me I could not save them how could I choose to die with them and leave my other children. And then I would be like suspened in air trying to decide what I should do. Try to get back to my other children or try to catch the one falling. I would wake up frantic.
Until recently I was of the mind if I could be depressed if I could feel all these things I could not be emotionally detached. I just did not feel jealousy because I am not a jealous person by nature. I did not feel needy of my H because I was not a needy person. I miss my family but did not become overwhelmed with missing them because I have lived away from them all my life. I was used to it and excepted it. Now I see maybe I am not jealous because a part of me is detached the part that would make me jealous. I am not needy of my H because I do not allow myself to be needy of him. And I do not overwhelmingly miss my family because I do not want to feel it.
I am confused with all of this right now. This new concept to me that I have shut myself down emotionally. I am starting to except that this may be true. But I have had to look for signs that it maybe true to get me to this point. My recant of how I dealt with D18 and her move by detaching and then again of my painting her room to remove the herness of it were big indicators to me that this maybe true.
One thing I wanted to comment on was your feeling of loss of innocence...I think a lot of us here would like to climb back to an easier time, a time when we felt loved, secure, safe, happy, joyous. New love offers the promise of all those things...and then life screws it all up. Maybe we need to embrace the messiness of life----the hurts, anger, betrayal, etc. It is all so human.
If I could only have one thing back of my innocense it would be the honesty and the depth and intensity that that honesty brought. I would gladly rewalk my life or anothers who suffered more 100 times if I could do so without losing the honesty in life I had when I was innocent.
But something good does come of every bad. Through recognizing my emotional immaturity. By being able to say hey I was to young to understand all of the emotions I felt at that age and accepting that as truth to why I reacted as I did. And by recognizing the fact I had no one to guide me and say hey this is normal for a 19 year old but not a 14 year old to feel. If someone would have been there to guide me through this from the begining and have taught me how to handle my feelings I may have seen through my delusion of true love, soul mates and so forth alot sooner then I did. Because I can recognize this I have put a great effort into being there for my children on this aspect. I have tried to guide them not into the belief that these things do not exist. There beliefs will be there own. But I have tried to make them understand that you never tell a person you love them off handedly as a way to get something from them. I have tried to make them understand that to do so may have long term effects for both of them.I have tried to make them understand that sex is not something you just do lightly at there age. And more then anything I have tried to make them understand that no matter what they do or how they feel they can always come to me I will always love them and try to help them through it. This ensues drinking drugs sex peer pressure all of it they can talk to me. I may get upset I may not agree with what they are doing I may gound them for there benifit but nothing they ever do will ever make me stop loving them. My love is unconditional and uncondeming. I never had this for the largest part of my life with the exception of my older sister. But the things I went through I went through long before she did. So she had no knowledge to guide me through with. I really do not have it now except from my sister. S10 is the closet to a person who gives me unconditional love in my everyday life.
Just letting you know that we all have our demons---things done to us and things we have done to others in this imperfect life.
Thank you for this. Though I know I do not own oneness in this. It still sometimes makes me feel alone. I have felt alone on the inside all of my life and sometimes that lonliness feels like a blanket of warmth that suffercates me. It is odd how we can be in a life full of people and still feel alone.
