Thanks to tell you the truth that post took me over 9 hours to write. I had to go back and let myself feel it and remember it as it was. And then take myself back from that place to write it. Sometimes when I remember things it comes with a odd detachment Even though I know it was my life I feel like I am thinking back on a memory of a event I witnessed instead of lived.
Boyfriend one and boyfriend 2 played a large part through out my growing up years so it is normal that they are etched in my mind. Boyfriend one was the best friend I could have ever asked for growing up. The memorys of that friendship are some of the best I have of my youth. Boyfriend three well the guilt for how we broke up is what lingers with me from that relationship.
The horse yes does signify "The knight in shining armour" that we seek when we are in a bad place for alot of people. I may fall into this not sure. What I rememeber most or should I say what stands out the most for me was boyfriend 2 eyes and the honesty that I saw in them. I have never seen that honesty in any others eyes. And the memory of that honesty is what haunts me.
It sounds like withdrawing from the ups and downs is some built in method of protection you have. Not feeling connected is not a goal most people want.
I think this is right. I think it was a protective thing that I was not even aware of. I strove to distance myself of memories of the past. And I achieved this to a large degree as I stated before when I look back and try to remember it takes on more of a third party viewing to me now. What I don't think I realized at the time that by blocking my memories I also blocked off some of my emotions. Oddly this is something that my last C hinted at. When speaking about things she told me she saw a pattern of me not dealing with them but shuting down. She also told me a person could only shut down so much before it came boiling out in other ways. She was talking about my dreams and how vivid they were. I have had nightmares for years to the point I take medication to make me sleep. I thought she was crazy at the time. I feel so much for my children. When they have gotten hurt have sat and cried. I worry about them all the time.I miss them when they are gone.I can cry for anothers lose and pain without knowing them. Gosh there are even movies that can make me cry. Her take was my maternal instincts over ride my own need for self preservation. She also said that it was it was easier to relate to the pain and joys of others then it was to cry for owns self. She based all of her ideas of how I relate on a series of questions she asked me throught our sessions. Like how would you feel if this happened or that. She said I answered from my logical side instead of my emotional side with anything that did not relate to my children mother or sisters. I thought she was crazy again I state this but now. That I am seeing all these emotions that I can understand but not relate to from all of you people I see some truth to what she was saying. She only said you are emotionally shut down. I thought hmmm I feel so much yur nuts. She did not point to the wheres and whats I was emotionally shut down to. All you wonderful people are bringing that to light. She also said that I take on guilt? That guilt seems to be a emotion that I feel to readily. She said something about if I responded in a way that I did not feel is how I should respond I was easy to feel guilty for not being able to respond the way I felt I should? Or something in that line.
My H is very jealous of boyfriend 2. He understands to some degree that boyfriend 1 and myself were really more just really good friends. But my H is jealous of anything from my past so it has not been discussed in great length. And when it has came up in the past it has turned very heated and ugly. My life prior to him is taboo as I stated before and wrong for me to even think about. Everything about me is suppose to be about him. I am open to my H to listen to him to talk about his past and he does except for ex girlfriends he denies he ever felt anything for anyone except me and feels I should never have felt anything for anyone except him and since I have I have cheated on him. So even though I was married to H 1 long before I meet him that was a sin against him and our R. My R with my H is loving in the now but it is not based on honesty and understanding and sharing. I have had to be only half of who I am the entire time I have been with him. And half of who you are is only half a truth.
Thank you for your thoughts. I will be away for a few days going to Ohio to see my mom and dad hmmm. I have been a nervous wreck for days about this not got much done so today I am gonna kick into over drive and try to do it all. Guess the rest of that floor will have to wait until next weekend lol
