I mostly posted because if I just wrote something like you did, I would drained for a while and want someone to at least say Hi!
You have been through a lot, some very painful times. I read your post about how "one" you were with bf#2 and others at times. Then for little reason things seemed to turn bad. Maybe not origionally to be mean to them, but for some reason.
Your ups and downs seem to play out with more emotions than many people would feel or do. I am not trying to be critical here either. Just suggesting that events and people in your life seem to go one way or the other, more than they do for most people.
It sounds like withdrawing from the ups and downs is some built in method of protection you have. Not feeling connected is not a goal most people want. So I mostly understand why you are searching for that connected feeling.
When I read that bf#2 kissed you and a horse was involved, I thought right away here goes, she just made one of those "remember for a life time connections" with this guy." If things don't work out, she will replay this event in her mind for a long time and be influenced by it greatly. I heard other women get some permenant picture burned in their mind when a horse was involved.
I think BB has some of those feelings sometimes. We even had a horse. I thought BB would work through some of her horse feelings. But back to you.
Chrissy, I am no expert here to give advice. But I am honest about what I think and write. My opinions may be off too, but like bf#1 I will not try to snow you. Kid around a little for fun, yes but I will make that (kidding around) plain as I can. So take my post as good intentioned but not the whole picture.
Does your H know how all of these guys effected you?
