Since that was my quote there at the top of your post, let me do my best to see if I can explain it to you -- at least how I feel, which is all I really can do.
Intellectually, I know that I should not need sex and affection (and remember, with us HDs it really ISN'T "just about the sex" -- we long for intimate kisses, little pats and grabs, and I'm known to just MELT at a good head rub) to give me my confidence and strength. And it's not the ONLY thing that gives it to me -- being a good dad does, or being a great salesperson or a great manager at work, or building something that I didn't think I could build, or learning something for the first time ... these all build my confidence.
But -- over time -- the affection, intimacy, and -- yes -- SEX that I get from the one I chose to spend my life with, does MORE than these other things to either build or to deplete my self-confidence.
SHOULD it? I dunno; maybe, maybe not. But it does, that's for sure.
I guess maybe that's what all this "fusion" fuss is about for those who've read the books. Maybe I'm too "fused" with my wife, I don't know. To allow her rejection of me to make me sad, or less confident, or feel like I'm less of a man, I know -- again, intellectually -- that I shouldn't allow it to do that.
But it just does.
I'm in sales. In sales, they teach you that when the prospect rejects your offering, you are not to take it personally, as "they are rejecting your PRODUCT, they are not rejecting YOU."
Well, in my marriage, I am the product, so yes, I feel like she is rejecting me!
We also teach in sales that "People buy emotionally, and then use logic to justify why they bought." So, intellectually/logically, I can see all of your points, and even largely agree with them.
But emotionally? It still shreds my self-confidence.
I did really enjoy your post, as your detailed thoughts are, I suspect, like a "peek" inside my wife's head for a rare glimpse. I appreciate all of the LD women on here like you and MrsNOP who allow me these glimpses into the LD mind and heart.
