I have decided that I am glad that I am not HD. Or should I say I am glad that I do not share in this feeling that HD people have especially HD ones -- derive their confidence and their strength largely from how we feel about our sex life
Though I feel I have come to a better understanding of the HD perspective and how they feel. I still cannot grasp the whys on some level. I could not phathom placing so much value of self on one single act or aspect in my life. I derive my self worth from so many different aspects in life and no one out wieghs accomplishments. Yesterday I spent three hours trying to figure out how to lay my hardwood floor in my kitchen reworked every angle to see which way would cause less wastage and proceeded to start to lay it. Though I am aware I am not a expert at it and no where near skilled enough to put my services out to hire. I am also aware I am doing a decent job of it and it is looking quit nice. S14 asked H why he was not helping me H said because your mother does not need help she is good at figuring out how to do things herself. The fact that I am capable and that others do not see me as needy and helpless is more of a confidence builder and satisfying for me then any romp in bed could ever be. I get quite befuzzeled by all this relying on sex for self worth thing. I understand it in the aspect of feeling loved by your spouse but not for your selfworth confidence and so forth. Love of you self and your own desire for achievement should fuel these levels of self confidence and strength in my opinion. I believe well know for my self that the empowerment of anothers being can be far to overwhelming for the one it is handed to. It is more then that poetic phrase " You complete me" more like saying "I need you to complete me because I can not". I get so lost in this I understand I need to grasp it but it is so foriegn to me. And though I now know through all you wonderful people that this is a common way for people to feel and I am trying to be open to do more then accept this knowledge I want to understand it. But I keep coming back to this stumbling block. Why would someone want to feel this way. Why would they want to empower someone else so much ? And why do they think it is a empowerment that they S even wants to have? I guess I more look for my H to complete me. And my M to complete my life more in a complimentry way not in a needed way. Sorta like the free breakfast you get with a hotel stay. It is not a need to get that free breakfast but it is nice. I look at my R as a luxury instead of a need. And this is the way I would like my H to feel about me. This may be to simple of a way and may be the biggest part of my marital problem the simplicity of my needs from my H seems to be one of the most complex problems within my marriage. My H wants to be needed by me and I don't want to need him I would rather just want him. And that encompasses it all the sex the togetherness the sharing I want to do it because I want to not because I need to or feel needed to. Take that to the sex level though I do not need sex in the way my H does and I do not get from it what my H does. But I want to give my H what he wants. It is not a need within me but a want to do this. I feel this is simple enough. But by reading post on this board I am starting to feel this to is to simple of a approach. I see so many people say they do not want there spouse to have sex just for there benifit. They want them to have want to have sex. A desire. Well I want to have sex because I desire to give my H what he wants/needs. So that is a want and a desire. Seems simple enough but then I see all the complexities others add that make this still not what they wanted. So I feel like a dog chasing its tail around in a vicious circle to no avail.
Well off to by S12 a birthday cake. Lol since today is his birthday I guess he is no longer S12 he is now S13.
