Dancing with my Devils

[cinemanymph]

I really would not walk this journey if I did not feel that it was important in figuring out my emotional disconnection that I have towards others. I have for as long as I can remember been able to shut off my emotions like flipping a light switch but it seems the switch only works to shut them off you cannot just flip it and turn them back on. So I guess I am looking for the wire that burned out that allows them to come back on.

I find this a challenge in my own life. Even though I can and do have deep feelings for people, they seem to slide away when I do not have contact with them. As if my memory is connected to my feelings and I "forget" the feelings I have for loved ones. I am working on this one.

The issue of the kissing well that one is harder. How to approach my H and say I have figured out why I cannot stand this it reminds me of my gramps.

Kissing, at least for me, has always been more intimate than having intercourse. Whatever reservations I had about sex, that went double for kissing. It always made me feel claustrophobic. I am beginning to seek kisses from my H, but strangely, he doesn't seem to enjoy kissing.

My H already knows his behaviors remind me of my step dad which is not good.

I can almost guarentee without a doubt that your H is not liking anything he does being compared to a man who molested you. I can understand the paradox in this situation. Reliving sexual abuse each time a sexual situation presents itself is not unheard of. The trick is to let your partner know that you are having difficulty without giving him the impression that you believe that he is causing your difficulty. If you tell him that you believe what he desires is not unreasonable, but that you are having difficulty meeting his desires because of past issues that you are actively working on, it could open him up to your pain. Like I have said here before, there is a POV that the lower desire partner is enjoying being lower desire. I want to reiterate that being unable to attain sexual potential is more often heartbreaking than it is some smug ego trip played out in the bouduior.

So this conversation is not a I want to have conversation more a I need to and dread it conversation.

It is a good idea to allow your H to gather his thoughts. Tell him you would like to have a conversation, give him a timeframe, ie a week from now, give him the topic, and tell him you want to give him time to mull it over and that you would like to hear what he came up with in your chosen timeframe. This gives you time to formulate your own thoughts and allows for him to give you insight into his thoughts and feelings on the issue. Good luck.