Dancing with my Devils

[cinemanymph]

I really would not walk this journey if I did not feel that it was important in figuring out my emotional disconnection that I have towards others. I have for as long as I can remember been able to shut off my emotions like flipping a light switch but it seems the switch only works to shut them off you cannot just flip it and turn them back on. So I guess I am looking for the wire that burned out that allows them to come back on.

I find this a challenge in my own life. Even though I can and do have deep feelings for people, they seem to slide away when I do not have contact with them. As if my memory is connected to my feelings and I "forget" the feelings I have for loved ones. I am working on this one.

The issue of the kissing well that one is harder. How to approach my H and say I have figured out why I cannot stand this it reminds me of my gramps.

Kissing, at least for me, has always been more intimate than having intercourse. Whatever reservations I had about sex, that went double for kissing. It always made me feel claustrophobic. I am beginning to seek kisses from my H, but strangely, he doesn't seem to enjoy kissing.

My H already knows his behaviors remind me of my step dad which is not good.

I can almost guarentee without a doubt that your H is not liking anything he does being compared to a man who molested you. I can understand the paradox in this situation. Reliving sexual abuse each time a sexual situation presents itself is not unheard of. The trick is to let your partner know that you are having difficulty without giving him the impression that you believe that he is causing your difficulty. If you tell him that you believe what he desires is not unreasonable, but that you are having difficulty meeting his desires because of past issues that you are actively working on, it could open him up to your pain. Like I have said here before, there is a POV that the lower desire partner is enjoying being lower desire. I want to reiterate that being unable to attain sexual potential is more often heartbreaking than it is some smug ego trip played out in the bouduior.

So this conversation is not a I want to have conversation more a I need to and dread it conversation.

It is a good idea to allow your H to gather his thoughts. Tell him you would like to have a conversation, give him a timeframe, ie a week from now, give him the topic, and tell him you want to give him time to mull it over and that you would like to hear what he came up with in your chosen timeframe. This gives you time to formulate your own thoughts and allows for him to give you insight into his thoughts and feelings on the issue. Good luck.

[Chrissy]

Hi all.

It has been what 8 days since I last posted anything on my own thread. Was taking a break. lol from all my post on others threads you would not know that.

So on the relationship front ah not much changes. A few little spats her and there. Nothing major. Which is nice to have peace. Did have a minor blow out the other day about H sitting on his arse all the time. And him feeling I want things down yesterday. Had to finally tell him there are somethings that needed done yesterday. But gave up on that front to. I am sick of begging people to do what they should be doing ie putting dirty socks in the wash or dirty dishes in the sink.
Ended out the month meeting the 8 time quota so chalk up another month to me meeting up to my end of the bargain.
Already got two for the month lol as I marked the calender the other day H asked about last month when I said 8 he said he thinks I add extra stars to the calender. I laughed and told him I was just thinking I must have forgotten to mark a few times down. Don't know if he was being serious and don't care really. This was a promise I made to myself so if I do not keep up with it I will be letting myself down more then I will him.
Thats really it on the R side of the last 8 days.
D18 did surprise me the other day with a unexpected visit.
Silly me started crying yet again. This time she saw it. So much for the strong mommy act aye.

Now on the Chrissy side of it I did make a great leap.
Yesterday H myself and two of my kids went to the flea market on the way home I decided to make a detour and drive over to the lake where the girl who had been one of my best friends for 8 years we worked together and saw each other daily. Had not seen her but once in almost two years. I pretty much shut her out of my life durring my falling apart stage. She was not home when we got there but sat and chatted with her H until she arrived. We stayed and chatted for a hour or so more then left to come home. It was odd she did not seem happy to see me or upset that I just showed up after two years. I was not excited to see her or sorry I had came. We did not make any plans but gave each other our numbers since both of us had changed them over the two years. She is planning on moving again in the next month and her new place needs painted knowing I paint frequently she did state I could come help her I did not commit nor say I was not interested. We will see how this goes.
This is part of my step 5 sorta jumping around in the goals a bit. But they were not set in stone as to order so I guess this is fine. This was a big step for me. I am sure some won't understand that but this person who was so close to me and had always thought I was such a strong totally together person witnessed a big part of my meltdown and then was totally shut out of my life for no reason. I had to swallow my pride and my embarrasment to take this first step to try to reconnect with this person and I do not know if it will work but I am willing to put myself out there. I may get rejected or we may become friends again but not to the same degree we were before and I accept those possibilitys but I will never know if I do not try.

Well gotta run for the moment. Hope everyone is having a wonderful evening. I am having my first quite evening in months all my kids have wondered off for the evening so that means all there friends are gone also . Yeah! One should be home soon but one is so much quieter then 10

[Chrissy]

I have decided that I am glad that I am not HD. Or should I say I am glad that I do not share in this feeling that HD people have
especially HD ones -- derive their confidence and their strength largely from how we feel about our sex life

Though I feel I have come to a better understanding of the HD perspective and how they feel. I still cannot grasp the whys on some level. I could not phathom placing so much value of self on one single act or aspect in my life.
I derive my self worth from so many different aspects in life and no one out wieghs accomplishments.
Yesterday I spent three hours trying to figure out how to lay my hardwood floor in my kitchen reworked every angle to see which way would cause less wastage and proceeded to start to lay it. Though I am aware I am not a expert at it and no where near skilled enough to put my services out to hire. I am also aware I am doing a decent job of it and it is looking quit nice. S14 asked H why he was not helping me H said because your mother does not need help she is good at figuring out how to do things herself. The fact that I am capable and that others do not see me as needy and helpless is more of a confidence builder and satisfying for me then any romp in bed could ever be. I get quite befuzzeled by all this relying on sex for self worth thing. I understand it in the aspect of feeling loved by your spouse but not for your selfworth confidence and so forth. Love of you self and your own desire for achievement should fuel these levels of self confidence and strength in my opinion. I believe well know for my self that the empowerment of anothers being can be far to overwhelming for the one it is handed to. It is more then that poetic phrase " You complete me" more like saying "I need you to complete me because I can not". I get so lost in this I understand I need to grasp it but it is so foriegn to me. And though I now know through all you wonderful people that this is a common way for people to feel and I am trying to be open to do more then accept this knowledge I want to understand it. But I keep coming back to this stumbling block. Why would someone want to feel this way. Why would they want to empower someone else so much ? And why do they think it is a empowerment that they S even wants to have?
I guess I more look for my H to complete me. And my M to complete my life more in a complimentry way not in a needed way. Sorta like the free breakfast you get with a hotel stay. It is not a need to get that free breakfast but it is nice. I look at my R as a luxury instead of a need. And this is the way I would like my H to feel about me. This may be to simple of a way and may be the biggest part of my marital problem the simplicity of my needs from my H seems to be one of the most complex problems within my marriage. My H wants to be needed by me and I don't want to need him I would rather just want him. And that encompasses it all the sex the togetherness the sharing I want to do it because I want to not because I need to or feel needed to.
Take that to the sex level though I do not need sex in the way my H does and I do not get from it what my H does. But I want to give my H what he wants. It is not a need within me but a want to do this. I feel this is simple enough.
But by reading post on this board I am starting to feel this to is to simple of a approach. I see so many people say they do not want there spouse to have sex just for there benifit. They want them to have want to have sex. A desire. Well I want to have sex because I desire to give my H what he wants/needs. So that is a want and a desire. Seems simple enough but then I see all the complexities others add that make this still not what they wanted. So I feel like a dog chasing its tail around in a vicious circle to no avail.

Well off to by S12 a birthday cake. Lol since today is his birthday I guess he is no longer S12 he is now S13.

Hope all have a wonderful day!

[OG_Lou]

Re: Chrissy I have come to a better understanding of the HD perspective and how they feel. I still can not grasp the whys on some level.

Milk analogy. We are married or sex budies just for this post. I hope I gauge you correctly and you will not be offended. Just trying to add some humor to a serious subject.

Me
I like milk(sex). I like chocolate milk better ( i hope you can guess what this is) , You have the chocolate. Somehow, my milk drips in my glass and fills it all of the time. I either drink (orgasam) the milk or it sours(bad feelings). I found this source of choc. It makes the milk more enjoyable. I share something special with my choc supplier when we share milk. She has milk but not as much as me. I get a thrill out of sharing. It gives me a feeling we both get something. When we don't share, I wonder what is wrong with my milk. I thought it was good but if she does not want much I wonder if I have the right milk partner. Did I choose wrongly? Did I change? Did she change? Is milk going out of style? What am I going to do with all of this milk if she does not drink with me? If I don't share, my milk gets sour or spills over, that makes me feel sad.

You,
Yes I like milk but this soy stuff is good and water (doing other things- no sex) is just fine.

My milk runneth over sometimes. I dont want it to sour. I dont like the feelings I get with sour milk. I dont like the feelings drinking it plain as much as drinking it with choc.

Maybe too simplistic but sort of a difference isn't it?

This part might relate to your "why the power" stuff: Is milk going out of style? What am I going to do with all of this milk if she does not drink with me?


Some people play cards mostly for the social interaction. Others play cards for points or money and are not interested as much in the social part. They might be calssified as goal oriented. Where the social players are process oriented.

All done, divorce time Chrissy. Thanks for the listening. You are brave for being here.

How is the floor going?

Lou

[chocolateeyes]

Chrissy,

Since that was my quote there at the top of your post, let me do my best to see if I can explain it to you -- at least how I feel, which is all I really can do.

Intellectually, I know that I should not need sex and affection (and remember, with us HDs it really ISN'T "just about the sex" -- we long for intimate kisses, little pats and grabs, and I'm known to just MELT at a good head rub) to give me my confidence and strength. And it's not the ONLY thing that gives it to me -- being a good dad does, or being a great salesperson or a great manager at work, or building something that I didn't think I could build, or learning something for the first time ... these all build my confidence.

But -- over time -- the affection, intimacy, and -- yes -- SEX that I get from the one I chose to spend my life with, does MORE than these other things to either build or to deplete my self-confidence.

SHOULD it? I dunno; maybe, maybe not. But it does, that's for sure.

I guess maybe that's what all this "fusion" fuss is about for those who've read the books. Maybe I'm too "fused" with my wife, I don't know. To allow her rejection of me to make me sad, or less confident, or feel like I'm less of a man, I know -- again, intellectually -- that I shouldn't allow it to do that.

But it just does.

I'm in sales. In sales, they teach you that when the prospect rejects your offering, you are not to take it personally, as "they are rejecting your PRODUCT, they are not rejecting YOU."

Well, in my marriage, I am the product, so yes, I feel like she is rejecting me!

We also teach in sales that "People buy emotionally, and then use logic to justify why they bought." So, intellectually/logically, I can see all of your points, and even largely agree with them.

But emotionally? It still shreds my self-confidence.

I did really enjoy your post, as your detailed thoughts are, I suspect, like a "peek" inside my wife's head for a rare glimpse. I appreciate all of the LD women on here like you and MrsNOP who allow me these glimpses into the LD mind and heart.

Choc.

[Lillieperl]

I don't think any of the HD people on here expect to get all of their self-esteem from knowing they are sexually desirable to their mate.

However, there is something special about romantic love and the sexual connectedness that goes with it. It means that you are the special ONE to this person. That of all others they could be with at this time in this place in this life, they have chosen you to be with in a way that they are with no one else.

That was the thing I missed the most after my husband died. I knew that there was no one else alive on the earth who would choose me before all others.

The sexual closeness is another unique feature of that uniqueness.

No one else is allowed to be that physically intimate with you. That is something that is reserved for you and your spouse that you share with each other. Knowing that someone has "forsaken all others" to be with you is a self-esteem booster-- just as knowing that that person rejects you sexually on a regular basis is a kick in the guts.

Of course we get confidence and esteem from jobs, parenthood, great hair, cooking ability, friends, knowing how to play the piano, installing a new floor. I don't think any of these accomplishments can compare with knowing that you have been selected out of the billions of people on this planet to be with this one person.

Can you relate to any of this?

[Bube]

Interesting analogy Lou. Now let me try one. MMJJ has mentioned a trip to France (where she would presumably be having hot sex with some big-biceped guy named Hanque), so I’ll work with that.

Suppose you’re a serious francophile. You speak French, and you just love the whole French culture. You love the language, the cities, the countryside, the food, the wine, the Riviera – even those goofy-looking Citroens. Given your choice, you would spend every vacation in France. But, alas, your H likes the occasional glass of wine and doesn’t mind ogling the girls in St. Tropez, but that’s about the extent of it. He doesn’t speak French, doesn’t like to fly, and he just feels uncomfortable and out of place in France. He doesn’t like cities and in spite of your love for Paris, he thinks it’s too big, too crowded, too dirty, has too much traffic, and is just plain miserable. Ninety nine times out of a hundred, he’ll take steak over quiche. He feels stressed in a foreign culture where he doesn’t fit in and would really prefer to just stay home and relax.

Your H could categorically refuse to go to France, or more realistically, he could agree to an occasional trip to France. You would be happier with an occasional trip than with none, but that occasional trip wouldn’t even come close to fulfilling your desires. And in either case, you wouldn’t be happy. So have you ceded control of your happiness to your H? No, of course not. But he still does control it in some measure, not because you’ve given him any control or responsibility for your happiness, but simply because it’s a natural result of your partnership.

You could still go to France by yourself. But we both know that going by yourself wouldn’t be the same as going with the one you love and with whom you can share the experience. Your H could agree to go along with you, then spend the vacation being tense and uncomfortable and wondering just what it is you see in the place. But again, we both know that it wouldn’t be the same as going with your H if he really enjoyed in it and reveled in the experience like you do. You haven’t given him responsibility for your happiness, but by the very nature of your R, he does affect it. In the extreme case, he could even come close to sucking all of your enjoyment out of your trip to France.

So what to do? Well, H can agree to more vacations in France. And you can agree that you’ll only spend three days in Paris and the rest of the time in pensions in Bordeaux or the French Alps. Maybe you can skip the beach at St. Tropez and go with H visit Utah Beach instead. And you could find things that make you happy during the vacations when you don’t go to France.

The point of all of this is that by virtue of being the spouse, each partner does have some control over the other’s happiness. That’s not a weakness and there’s nothing wrong with it. In fact, I would say that it’s good. It’s certainly much better than the alternative of being blissfully happy in and of yourself with no regard for the wants and desires of your spouse. What kind of wife would you be if you took every vacation in France, did exactly what you wanted, went exactly where you liked, and stayed as long as you wanted, all without a twinge of unhappiness or regret that your H didn’t enjoy it as well?

The other point, the one about Paris and Utah Beach, is that you should strive to reach some place where both of you are attending to both your own happiness and the happiness of your partner.

Zufriedengestellter Bube

[chocolateeyes]

omg, Lillie, you said it -- as usual -- SO much better than I, and not only can I relate to what you said, it almost made me cry.

(you know, a MANLY sorta, non-girlie cry )

I have heard some variation of your theme over and over and over again on this board over the past year: "No, honey, I don't just 'want sex'; I want to 'make love', and only with YOU!"

It is the cry of the pure HD heart, and sometimes our spouses just don't GET it. But then again, there's a lot about my spouse that I suppose I don't "get", either.

Thanks for writing it so beautifully, Lillie... I think I need to go pound a nail, or burp or scratch or something now.

Choc.

[Lillieperl]

choc, you are too funny (and sweet)! (You can just grunt in response, if you want to! )

I was trying to explain to someone else what it feels like when you want to completely open yourself body and soul to your partner and they simply are not interested. My friend said it is like a child who is bubbling over with love and runs to their parent for a hug, and the parent just brushes them off. Not because they are busy or distracted, but because it just doesn't seem to mean anything to them that the child wants to connect. They don't get how important and special this is. When my friend said that, it rang so true that I cried.

To hearken back to the days of Transactional Analysis ( circa 1970... each person has an inner Parent, Adult, and Child), it is the H's "child" and the W's "child" who have sex. Sex is grownup play. It's the sweet, open, vulnerable, innocent, trusting part (the child) that wants to share sexually with the partner. This is one of the reasons why sexual rejection hurts so much. Because it IS your sweet, open, trusting inner child who is rejected. All the more hurtful when your partner sees your sexual advances in some threatening way... the child is completely hurt and mystified by this.

[Chrissy]

Lil,

I can understand all that has been said by all of you. Even being choc milk. I do have a great tan by the way so I could almost be choc milk lol.

But that does not answer your question it was can I relate to it. Well you are forcing my hand. I am going to dance with the devil here.

I often refer to my demons that dwell in my basement. I have related to all of you that one is my step father and one a old relationship. This two people have had more of a influence then any in my life. My step father has left me bitter the old relationship maybe bittersweet.

When I was very young I meet a boy that was like no one to me. He was my then boyfriends(in that young at school type way) best friend. Though we had spoken several times while I was around my then boyfriend (boyfriend 1) My best friend had a liking for this boy so I set off to fix them up. I found him sitting on the steps to my church at lunch time and started chatting with him. Mentioned my girlfriend he did not seem interested. But something about him that day interested me.There was a sadness I saw in him. He had just been held back and was alone as in his friends were in a different classes and different lunches so that would make sense.
The next day at lunch he was in the same place I again went and chatted with him. At some point in that hour my whole life changed my whole self changed. While we were speaking our eyes meet I have no way to explain what happened at that moment but what I felt at that moment would have knocked me off my feet had I been standing.It was so intense. At that moment he stole my heart and my soul. From that moment on we were together it was never asked it was never discussed it just was. He became boyfriend 2. As time went by everyday my love for him became more ingrained in who I was. It was not a consuming love but a completing love. Everytime he touched me it was like electricity that touched to the core of my soul. When with him I felt alive I felt complete. He made me feel loved something my dad and step dad and grandfather could never do and he taught me not all men are bad. Without his knowledge or even trying he helped me to learn to cope with the bad in my life. He was my light in the darkness.
He taught me many things how to love, How to feel and how to want were amongst the best things.
I was not allowed to date I lived in a strict Catholic home and I was way to young by any means. His parents were not as strict as mine. So I learned how to lie to my parents so I could be with this person outside of at school. I would go to friends houses with less strict parents we would go to parties or meet up at school advents and so forth. My mom who was a little less strict then my dad would allow him to ride his horse over to the house and see me once and awhile or to call me on the phone when my step dad was not there. My dad caught him there one time and chased him off. And I was grounded for months. My mom did take me to his house once for a church funtion This day still sticks out in my mind I being a strict Catholic went to a Baptist family function and while we are all sitting in folding chairs in the middle of the yard listening to the preacher boyfriend 2 got up and left to go in the house? you don't do that. Then all of a sudden everyone starts getting up and chatting about Uncle Joe and this and that walking around with the preacher just a preaching. I was lost and befuzzeled and mortified I thought everyone was being disrespectful to the preacher. I found out it was sorta normal in the Baptist church. But as a Catholic person whowas taught it was better to just about choke to death so we don't cough during mass I found this odd. I still think about this everytime someone invites me to a Baptist Church. But there is something else about that day that etched itself into my memory. When my mother came to pick me up boyfriend 2 was giving horserides to the kids that were there. When I went to tell him I was leaving he bent over from his horse told me he loved me and kissed me. I was awe stricken by the beauty of the moment the pure emotional beauty. We were surrounded by people his family and friends and he so unabashly declared his love for me openly and there was so much honesty in his eyes.
As we progressed our relationship took on a more sexual side. Kissing became more lustful or done with lustful intent. We use to hide out in the corner of two buildings and kiss and hug through our whole break periods. One day when we were snuggling in just this manor I did as always by putting my hands in his front pockets of his jean. He had cut a whole in the pocket and when I reached in I was shocked by what I found. Up to this point of my life I had no idea of what a male member looked like let alone felt like. I was raised in a all female family no brothers or such to see naked butted running around. They were a white pair of carpenter pants he wore them frequently after that lol.
I lost my virginity to this boy in a stolen moment in a tent at a fair ground. I know this does not sound all that romantic. It is sort of but I find some humor in the fact neither of us really knew what we were doing. We had both professed we had experience that looking back was very apparent that we did not have. We more fumbled our way through it. And the few other sexual encounters we had at that time again were pretty much just learning experiences also.
Around the same time our relationship took on a sexual aspect I found myself becoming overwhelmed with confussion also. None of my friends felt like I did about there boyfriends and they all felt I was abandoning them for my boyfriend. Most of my friends were the more hoody rebellious type. I had given up all of my more preppy type friends in the 6th and 7th grades I did not like there condescending attitudes towards people who did not live in nice houses and wear new clothes. And I realized that they were not true friends I only fit in amongst them because I lived in a nice house and wore new clothes not because I shared any of there beliefs. I found more in common with those who did not live by falsities. Anyhow between my so called friends and my emotional overdrive that was overwhelming me and some stupid poster That said If you love something set it free if it comes back to you it is yours if it does not in never was. I broke up with my boyfriend. Mind you I was of the opinion we were soul mates and I loved him and was setting him free I always believed he would come back to me.
Gosh imagine my dismay when he just found himself another girlfriend which he did within a very short time.
I was heart sicken and I was heartbroken. Little twinges of jealousy I had while we were together became a raging fury within me. I felt betrayed I felt used and I felt abandoned. I loved and hated at the same time. Now I never really showed him any of this. We still spoke he would still tell me he loved me he still wanted the kisses and hugs and such he still wrote me notes and would sneak of from current girlfriend to walk me to class ect. But in my stubborn immaturity I would not let him know how much he hurt me. And this hurt became justification to me that all men where like my dad and my grandfather and father.
To make matters worse not only was I in emotional choas I was pregnant.I was 14 years old I would be a mother at age 15. I told him he blew it off I don't think it ever registered with him. So I was alone with the fact that I was pregnant. I could not tell my mom I had no one to help me. I was lucky a angle in a wierd kind of way stepped into my life when they did. I was 5 months pregnant when I lost my baby. Everyone thought I had tryed to commit suicide but in truth I was bleeding to death. A local cop found me and I told him I was pregnant and bleeding real bad and that I could not tell my parents. He knew my parents he knew I could not tell them. He took me to the hospital and registered me as his daughter so I could get the medical treatment I needed. And from that day one he watched out for me. Everyone thought I had ran away then as rumors fly in a small town people started thinking I tried to commit suicide. There stupidity worked to my adventage. It helped me hide from my parents what really happened. My mom does now know has for years about this she just does not know who helped me. I had to protect the one who had protected me and my parents would have been out for blood.
I was to young to understand what I felt I know this now.
But back then I was still to young and all I felt made me spiral out of control. I know that his hurt the one he caused me is what brought all of my hurt from my real dad and step dad and grandfather to a full head and it spelled forth out of me like venom. But I was a snake that was only bitting itself. I became wild and out of control and the fury within me kept feeding itself.
I hated myself for loving him for believing him and for still wanting him. And everything I did for a short period of time fueled my own self hatred. It was like a endless cycle my hatred fueled my confussion and my confussion fueled my hatred. I started running away from home I wanted to be anywere but my home town where I had to watch him happily go along with out me. Which he was he had met up with a girl and they were 100 percent in love he told me. I harrassed this girl to no end. My jealousy blinded me to any logic plus at 16 how much logic do you have any how. I hit rock bottom when she told me he had bought her a engagement ring I really don't know if he did I never saw it but just the thought was enough. I tried to kill myself not once but twice. My angel again came to the rescue on the second attempt I had ran away he had found me he took me to the jail to call my parents I hung myself from inside the jail cell. He found me in time. Though every capillary in my neck and my face had exploded and I was blue faced from the experience I was fine after he cut me down and was rushed to the hospital. I was put in a treatment center held there for weeks. Locked into a room with nothing until they felt I was safe with my self. After a few weeks of intense counseling I was released from this hospital I was not mentally defective just having a hard time dealing with my emotions and needed consuling to help me work through this. I asked to not be made to return to my parents and went in front of a judge who placed me in foster care.
After two years yes two years of total rollercoaster Chrissy. I seemed to settle down. I moved back home after about 6 months of being away.
Boyfriend 1 and Boyfriend 2 still had interactions in my life. Boyfriend 1 had never abandoned me in all of this we remained vey good friends. He became my mentor in aspects. He helped keep me grounded. If I started going of the deep end he jumped in to bring me back to the shore. Odd since I broke up with him to go with his best friend. And my feelings for that person were the water for the pool I was drowning in.

I had choose to go to a different school when I moved back to my parents a vocational school. I did this as avoidance of boyfriend 2 and his girlfriend. I did not want to face them anymore. For her I had nothing but pure hatred. For me I had pure hatred. But with him there was anger at the fact he said he loved me and had watched me go through all of this and never flinched never cared. But I still loved and wanted him yet was ashamed to be seen by him I felt unworthy and confused I still did not understand that my love for him was going to be my greatest demon in life.
Then came boyfriend 3 He was rebellious he was fun. He could be so zany and spontanous. He was fun to be with most of the time. He taught me about sex he taught me what it felt like to be loved unconditionally. We dated for 2 years he asked me to marry him. We became engaged everything seemed to have become normal and mature and happy atleast on the outside. But inside I was always alone. I never felt whole I always felt lost and never new why. As it became closer and closer to time for me to get married to this person. I started feeling trapped and out of control. He had no want to leave the little town we live in I had no want to stay. I had been trying for years to get away from it. Looking back I know it was not the town I wanted to get away from it was myself but then I thought it was the town. That place were all bad happened.
Anyhow around the end of my senior year of high school and three months before I was suppose to get married I panicked. My mom noticed my odd behavior from the get go and asked what was wrong. I explained to her I did not really know but I felt wrong about getting married. My mom who never has really been supportive or non supportive of my relationship and really seemed oblivious to my feelings and struggles most of my life picked up my little stuffed pig and my 4 years of notebooks of poems and short storys. Handed them to me and said you tell him or I tell him and left. Okay the stuffed pig was from boyfriend 2 the poems and short storys yep all about boyfriend 2. Boyfriend 2 had been haunting me all along I had just learned how to control it better.
This brings me to the worst mistake of my life. You know how you always think if I could do one thing over in my life it would be. Well this is my one thing. Boyfriend 3 oh his love was unconditional I would find out later but the cost to himself was more then anyone one should have to pay.
I could not break up with him. I would try and could not. So I started acting out at him instead. I told him I needed more space and freedom I wanted to do this with my friends and that I through temper tantrums I became the most undersirable person I could make myself. He smiled through it all and was okay with it he loved me. I got nasty and bitchy and mean he smiled. Nothing I did could shake him of his love for me. Until one night in a desperate attempt I walked over that line. I sleep with someone very close to home for him. The act was never completed as in half way through I could not stomach it. I did this twice end results the same both times.I was physically sickened by what I was doing. End result yes I got out of getting married. But in doing so I caused a rift that can never be undone. And I will forever live with the guilt of it. If I could undo one thing in my life it would not be something that leads to my own happiness it would be to undo the pain I have caused this person. My wounds did not give me the right to wound another as deeply as I did. I will eternally burn for this.
I really started dancing with my devils. Anyone who had anything to do with boyfriend 2 became my victim anyone who had pretty much even implied something negative about me fell victim also. By this time I had realized on odd thing as you will recall I have mentioned this before I could use my sexuality to my advantage and I did. Sex to me became a weapon. It was my form of payback screw with me I screw yours type thing. Sounds terrible and it is. But give a 19 year old that has so much hate and rage inside a weapon like that and they shoot to kill. I have never understood why people wanted to sleep with me. Why they would stray from a marriage or long term relationship for sex with me. There is nothing all that and a bag of chips that stares back at me in the mirror so I don't know but I played it. Any how this went on for a year and a half.
So the cycle of I have been wronged and I am going to wrong others begins in my life.
Boyfriend 2 was in the Marines so he was out of sight but not out of mind. In my new fueling of self hatred brought on by my actions that ended my relationship with boyfriend 3. I again went to the wild side. Boyfriend 1 tried to keep me in line at times. He was one of few people who would stand up to me and say hey that is [censored] up. Or I don't think you should be doing that. We started spending alot of time together He was the one person who knew me inside and out knew what I was feeling and thinking at all times. I always could talk in truth to him and he always gave me honesty back he never danced a dance or said what I wanted to hear. He was always there for me regaurdless of my moods. And he was the only male to me that did not seem to have a motive it was never about sex with him. In all 15 years we were good friends we never had sex. We tried about 4 times but boyfriend 2 and his invisable presence always got in the way. We slept in the same bed we cuddled we kissed but that was as far as it went.
Anyhow I run into boyfriend 2 he does not know I see him I think he is back in town. I get the hell out of town.

I came back 5 years later. Baby in tow (D18) and marriage one over. I had been haunted all those years by the memories of my life and boyfriend 2. I was older and wiser right?
I ran into boyfriend 2 at a store he did not see me but I saw him. And all those feelings came rushing back. Within a ahort time after that we ran into each other while I was out with friends. And started chatting. I had in truth been seeking him out going where he might be found. I had convinced myself I was in love with a memorie not the person and wanted to prove it to myself so he would stop haunting me. We ended up at my place. We were laughing about old times and somehow started talking about how he we were each others first.
We ended up having sex and it was with a freedom and abandon I had never felt I could do stuff with him and talk to him about sexual stuff like I had never been able to with anyone. This casual hooking up happened a couple times then boyfriend 1 came up from Fla and stayed with me for a couple days. Now mind you they were still very good friends. But when boyfriend 2 showed up at my place and found out that boyfriend 1 was staying with me he seemed pissed off at first and boyfriend 1 seemed pissed off.
I was really at a lose of what was going on. Later I found out that boyfriend 2 who was supposedly seperated was not so boyfriend1 was not only pissed I was again involved with boyfriend 2 but pissed he was cheating on his wife. And boyfriend 2 most have thought boyfriend 1 and I were having sex.
Boyfriend 2 and myself did not see each other for awhile after that. We did hook up again a few months later when he really was seperated from his wife. We had this casual relationship over the course of a few months. Boyfriend 1 came to visit me again same sort of infussion of wierdness when both boyfriend 1 and boyfriend 2 were together around me. But I had a secret I knew so boyfriend 1 was not as verbal about his disapproval as he normally would be.
Any how back to subject. After a few months of this on again off again thing with boyfriend 2 I in a drunken stupor on the phone told boyfriend 1 that I still loved boyfriend 2. Which I tried to deny and play off as just drunkness the next day when boyfriend 1 called me and told me what I had said. Well part of my recant was do to the fact boyfriend 1 told me that while I was inside professing my undying love for boyfriend 2 he was outside getting a blowjob from one of my best friends.(great friend aye). That night changed the course of my life.
I could not get his words of what I said or what boyfriend2 was doing out of my head. A friend of mine was in NC and her and her husband were splitting up she asked me to mover down here with her. I knew if I stayed in my hometown I would continue to play boyfriend 2s whore. I knew I was not a whore. I knew I had done alot of wrong things I knew I was not the best person because of it. And I knew my love for boyfriend 2 was not healthy for me. I knew if I stayed there I would again at some time lose control of me when he rejected me.I knew it was time to stop feeding my own self hatred. I got ready to move I told boyfriend 2 I was going. I remember his words telling me to be careful in NC that the men down here were not the gentleman I was use to. I read hope into this at first his way of saying he wanted me to stay. Okay lending me his truck to move sorta dashed that hope. I had surgery a week and a half prior to my moving when I came to after surgery I got a great shock I was fine but I was pregnant. Two days before I left I was sitting in boyfriend 2s bedroom I told him what I had told boyfriend 1 about still being in love with him. His response "That would not be such a bad thing would it" I decided at that moment I would not tell him I was pregnant. I was back again to being that 14 year old girl alone lost and confussed. I told his sister and she promised not to say anything. I never believed she would keep the secret but she did.
I moved to NC 14 years ago boyfriend and I had some contact on and off for the first year but after that even though he still haunted me daily our contact was only in memories that would not leave me alone. All the what if's haunted me. It all seemed so incomplete. Everytime I have walked away from this person I have left a part of myself behind with him. He stole my heart and soul when we were young. I feel dead emotionally without him being in my life. I have burried the feelings I have for this person. I even have thought throughout different stages in my life I had lost them. But they are there like a wound that will not heal they seep into every corner of my life.
Boyfriend 1 came to visit me shortly after I moved. I told him I was pregnant again by boyfriend 2 I made him promise not to tell. That was the last time I ever spoke to him. He had told me and warned me to stay away from boyfriend 2 he had always supported me. But he was tired of me always setting myself up for the fall.
I had 11 years with no contact with this person. 12 with hardly any. I had suceeded in calming the turmoil within me. All the rage and unjustice that had ruled my life I used as a driving force to propell me forward. In those 11 years I had my 3 boys along with my daughter from my first marriage to be strong for and gather strength from. I had bought a home had my family a great job I had left behind that insecure little girl.I was stronge and successful and outgoing. For the first time in my life I could look people in the eyes when talking to them. But I was still unhappy something was still missing which lead to my falling apart stage as I haved called it in the past. I learned to forgive my real dad and my grandfather for what they had done to me. But I had not learned to forgive myself for loving this person so wholeheartedly and completely that it took me away from myself.Nor have I been able to forgive myself for the pain I have inflicted at will to boyfriend3. It is a life long scar he will carry and my guilt for it is a life long cross I will carry.

When I think back on boyfriend 2 I know there was alot of bad. And yet I can still feel everything good about it. And I have realized and take responsibility for my actions they were my actions brought on by my own immaturity to deal with my emotions. The emotions were caused by my R with my exboyfriend but my reaction from them were my own. Though I am not proud of some things from my past it is my past.I have no one to blame for it but myself. I have come to accept that. But that acceptance and shift of blame did not come without a price.

A few years back ago. I was at work. I was skimming through the social sercurity death files which as a credit collector we often do to see if any of our long lost customers are deceased. I came across boyfriend 2s name.
I stopped went back and pulled it up I was in shock right name right state right age. The rush of emotions that went through me at that moment was again nothing I can describe in words. I was shocked I was baffled but I was heartsick.
My stomach went to my feet. I have never had such a bad reaction to anyone dying not my father grandfather or grandmothers death rated anything like the pure panic that went through me. I sat and stared at the computer screen for what seemed hours. I finally picked up the phone and called his mothers house how a number I had not called in over 11 years just popped into my head is beyond me. That called entailed one of the most strained converstations I have had in my life. But alas it was not her son my exboyfriend he was alive and well. As relief flooded me so did a awarness of how unemotional I usually am and how odd my overly emotional reaction was.
A few weeks later I started speaking to my exboyfriend over the phone on occassion. His family and him became a great emotional support system form me when I was at my lowest point in my life. I finally did as my first therapist had told me to do all those years ago. I told him everything I felt over all 28 years this this story had encompassed. He was overwhelmed and surprised in the begining but he helped me work through all of it the best he could. And helped me work through were I was in my life at that time. He asked me once why I still had loved him through all of it. I told him that day he bent down from that horse and told me he loved me I promised him I would love him forever. And I keep my promises. He later released me from that promise. And I learned to forgive myself on some levels.
The price I paid to get to this point of my life has been great. My beliefs of myself and what love is all disappeared with that promise. I could endure and I could hide from what my life lacked by standing behind that promise. Now I have nothing to hide behind.
I am standing alone and naked in the open.
I have never felt the intensity of these emotions for another soul like I did him. I have never seen the pure honesty I saw in his eyes in anothers. I have never sensed the feeling of connectivity that I did with him. It has taken me 30 years of fighting and struggling to figure out why. It was because nothing in my life has been from innocense since him. It was pure as where nothing else in my life has been except for my love of my children.
It is not the person who haunts me it is feelings that haunt me. It is the pureness of those feelings I had for him that haunt me. It is a ghost I can never completely vanish.
I have a tatoo on my back with the initials BEB they stand for Before Evil Began. It has a cross which is a symbol of the burden of my guilt and shame. And diamond that signify the puriety it came from. When the tatoo is finished it will also encompass love and freedom and it will tell my story of life.


So as you can see I can relate from the past from a long time ago with what you say.

I have danced with this devil for so long it is a ingrained part of who I am. I feel that my soul has been cast into the fires of hell even though my body is still breathing and I have lived life breathing in the stench of its burning.
Yet at times I have said if I could feel those feelings in true form for just one more day of my life I would be satisfied.
But this seems incapable for me to do though I do struggle to try. I would love to feel innocent all consuming love towards my husband. But my love is jaded as is myself.

So do I relate to anything you said I use to. Before Evil Began.