Thank you for your support. Yes my childhood does hold a lot of bad memories. Some my own doing some others. Alot of things snowballed due to lack of emotional maturity with what was happening at certain ages in my life. I had a great mom but unfortunetly certain things where just not talked about or dealt with. Sorta like sweeping it under the carpet made it better. And my mom was alone in all of it herself even after she remarried. Some good things have come from the way we evolve through generations like peoples ability to be open with there kids and tell them about life and how to handle its ups and downs. Then some bad things come from it also like kids knowing to much about sex from age 8 on. ie Example. D when she was about three of four and I where at the grocery store in the little town we lived in. D was standing in front of me at the checkout and her pants where hiked up a bit (elastic bottoms) I bent down to fix them and discovered they were lodged on something .I pulled the pant leg up some to see what was under it holding it up. Pany liners my D had found my panty liners and plastered them on her legs like bandaids. I found this hysterically funny laughed my ass of at her. My mom found this mortifying and was so embarrassed she would not go back into that store for months. Panyliners are taboo personal and signify a private event ie your period to publicly acknowledge that we have these is bad or shameful. Yeah right they are apart of life everyone knows woman have them so no big deal to me they were clean but to my mom oh no it was terrible. Just a example of the difference of the way we think and act as generations pass.
I really would not walk this journey if I did not feel that it was important in figuring out my emotional disconnection that I have towards others. I have for as long as I can remember been able to shut off my emotions like flipping a light switch but it seems the switch only works to shut them off you cannot just flip it and turn them back on. So I guess I am looking for the wire that burned out that allows them to come back on.
I have not posted this week giving myself a down time of all the choas in my brain. Last week my realization that I never fell in love with my H I learned to love him. And the flashing thought of how my H kisses reminds me of my grandfather both through me off guard. I have realized that how I came to love my H is not really that important. There are many people who fell in love vs developed a love for the spouse that are on this BB to. So either way we are all still in the same boat. And I would more then likely still be in the same place I am now had I fallen in love with him. The issue of the kissing well that one is harder. How to approach my H and say I have figured out why I cannot stand this it reminds me of my gramps. My H already knows his behaviors remind me of my step dad which is not good. Now to add on something else that reminds me of someone that hurt me deeply in life maybe a little overwhelming for him. I know I need to take this step and talk to him about it. But my H has never seemed concerned about how I feel about things from my past. Never has he asked me if I think about any of these things still or how my past has made me feel about me. What little things he knows about he often throws in my face like I was a bad person. So this conversation is not a I want to have conversation more a I need to and dread it conversation.
