Well I was really opening up the door for someone to jump in and say that as long as I held on to my distrust of his cure I would be standing in my own way of some sort.
." If you can you might want to tell him that as well...you've lived with the threat of his anger & physical harm for quite some time....tell him you will need time to see he has really changed permanently, let his actions support his words. ]
I have been telling him this did so again today in our talk. I am not willing to allow him to dismiss my fear as silly or unwarrented. I recognize he is trying and I am constently praising him for this. But it will take a long time for me to over come that fear of him if I ever can. So I do not want him to feel this is another fixed issue. Which is the impression gave me today of how he feels.
And...if you go back through your last post, you'll see you haven't let go of your resentment toward him.... Oh the only resentment I have let go of is on the sexual issues. I have alot of resentment regaurding the control issues still. Towards my H and myself for allowing it.
Can I ask....why you equated your H wanting to play that game with you as you having to choose whether or not you view him as an adult or a child?
This was just a example of how my frustration with the fixed thing is backsplashing into other areas. Which I realize and am trying to not allow to happen but it is so I am more trying to control my reaction to it.ie keep in my mind that I am over reacting to this because of this. Hence my coming here to vent.
In truth I guess I feel this is a childish game I relate it to a way to make my LD son (learning disabled son) understand he is special to me. I take it down to his level. We have done this on and off since he was a few years old. It is a way for me to reassure my child that I love him vastly no matter what. In a way he can relate to.
I myself could not imagine as a adult speaking to another adult expecting to be answered to as one would a child. My H was not joking he was serious when asking. He asks this all the time. I once answered as much as a totem pole the next day it was so do you love me more then a totem pole today. So I said yes and his response was how much I said a totem pole and a half. The next day do you love me more then a totem pole and a half and on and on every day. Again can you say overkill. If he needs reassurance that is fine but ask for it in a adult way.
Mind you my H has never played this game with any of our children hence I at times again see this as a sign of his jealousy and controling nature. He is jealous of the love I display to my children and tries to infringe on the way I display it and make it become about him. This may be jaded perception on my part I acknowledge this. It is though how I sometimes feel.
Again the last few days I have been ranting it comes from my frustration of feeling I am running in place.
Also, if you H has been going to anger management counseling...and that is almost over, then this might be a really good time to suggest when that ends that you two go to MC together.
I am going to suggest that we again do this. We did it a year ago and then my H called a halt to it because he felt the C was on my side after she suggested he take on some responsibility for his part in the problems in our relationship and suggested he rely more on himself for fufillment of his personal needs.(non sexual).
I know in my M....I thought my H was the one with all the problems
My H feels this way that I am the one with the problems because he is happy with us as a whole. I have always been capable of saying I have faults. I may sometimes over look something that may be a fault or a problem that is mine but not with intent but once realized I do take ownership of them. Though my own admission of the last few days I have accepted fault for being so dissatisfied with my H and my expectations of him. H never said when we get older this is what I am going to be like. I assumed that with my idealistic beliefs what he would be like. That is my fault not his. I admit that I never looked past the here and now and into the future long term aspects of our relationship until I was forced to. This was my failure and my fault.
HP questions this morning and my response has been playing in my mind. I realize that I never fell in love with my H I learned to love him. Again my fault for overlooking this and probably a large dynamic in the problems in my relationship. I am pondering this and seeing so many things that can be related to this. But it will take me a few days to decide what to do with this realization. It does not change the today and where I am at. It does not change the fact I am in this marriage and need to continue to try to make it work. But I am sure that this realization will change something.
