Privacy yes would be nice. I do not get the courtesy of much of this. When my friends and family call me they will ask me in the begining of the conversation if my H is home or not. If he is our conversations are very limited and short. Not that we are talking about anything he should not hear most of the time but they know I hate it when he turns down the volume of the TV so he can listen to my conversations it irks me to no end to be allowed no privacy.
The ones like "I want him to make me leave the house and do something for myself" well......you may as well strike that off your list. We are not put on this earth to MAKE our spouse take care of themselves, kwim
You misunderstood my intent. I do not need him to tell me to take care of myself. I want him to encourage or allow me to do things other then sit in this house or go to the grocery store. That way I will not fear the repercussions I face if I do decide to do something that he is not involved in.
If your husband is anything like mine, he will need your emotional needs spelled out in the most specific terms you can think of. Give examples and time frames.
Our MC had us write our needs out. My H response well as stated to GEL. My want for privacy was a ommission of some guilt of mine of wrong doing I am trying to hide. My need to have experiences in life with and without him. The with he is okay with . Without is another wrong doing on my part since we are married I should want to do everything with him and only him. So again I am up to something or I do not love him. My need for him to rely more on himself and less on me. Again is a sign of my lack of love for him. blah blah on and on.
But do remember that love is a choice--we are not slaves to our feelings.
I am thinking about this one. I have never looked at loving someone as a choice. I have often stated you do not have a choice in who you love. ie I did not choose to love my children it came naturally ,parents,siblings ect. So I will ponder this one a while.
My husband is not the same person I married at all.
Odd is it not your H is not the person you married and this is part of the underlying factor in problems in your sitch. My H is still basically the exact same as he was when we first got together and that is part of the underlying factor in the problems within my sitch. Life heck it is twisted at times.
I am sure that somewhere in one of your threads it states the reason your H shifted so much into his religous beliefs I have not happened across the reason yet though and it always crosses my mind when I read your thread.
Stay on track with the Resurrection. We're not going to let you get down and throw the whole plan in the trash heap.
Thank you for your support! Really with the exception of one or two people in my life you all here are the only support I get in my efforts to overcome all of this. I sometimes feel I am boring everyone with my boxes and demons and such but you guys are great about it. And I have no intention to give up on myself. I am not giving up hope for me. I realize that my self improvement is going to be harder then I thought since I now am aware that I seem to lack some emotional abilitys that seem to be fundamental to function properly in a relationship. But I have just added the finding out why to my to do list.
Remember not to give up your life to your marriage but to let your marriage enhance your life.
Wonder why that is so hard for my H to understand that this is all I want is for my marraige to be a enhancement of my life. Ah well that is on him not me. I understand it.
Wow that is a tough question. I guess you would have to go back to the fact I barely knew him when I invited him to a party at my house and he never left after that. We were not having sex in the begining. But he was friends with my room mates then boyfriend who was staying with us also.So it was more like he was not just there because of me. I would suggest he leave and he would end up comming right back with my room mates boyfriend. I thought he was nice and all fun to get drunk with but I guess I never looked ahead to decide this is what I want forever. Now that I think about it I was not looking for a long term relationship at the time. I had just gotten my divorce and moved to a new state with a friend and was very carefree so it was a for here and now relationship for me. Until I got pregnant then that changed the dynamics to a degree. And truthfully it was not until after my second son was born that I accepted the long term aspect of the relationship (kids 17 months apart). Pretty shallow reason aye? So really this relationship is the same as my unplanned pregnacys I did nothing to pervent them so they just happened. I have stated in a past post that I had tried to end our relationship several times within the past to always encounter threats of personal violence or him threatening suicide so always relented. For the first few years I would move out or make him move out and he would just threaten harm to himself and others would state he had tried so I would relent. I can look back and see how stupid I was for this. But I cannot change it now. I will just not allow this to be a reason to stay in the future.
All this is not answering your questions directly. And I am at a lose for a answer right now.
What were the qualities that attracted you to your H way back when?
He was cute and fun to party with.
Why did you fall in love with him?
I am really at a lose here. From what I just described above my take would be. My H was like a puppy you see and think adorable so you take it home. Though as the puppy grows it shows behaviors you do not like ie eatting shoes tearing out trash ect. Though you do not like this behavior and wish you no longer had the puppy you do not want to send it to the pound to be put down. You do not want the puppy to come to harm just because you made a mistake by getting it. So you learn to tolerate these things as part of having a dog. With time you get used to the dog always being around and develope a love for it and know that when the dog dies you will oddly miss it.
Can you think back to those reasons and then build on that? Well I could start drinking again. Lol. But in truth from what just spilled forth from me I think it would be better to find other reasons to love him.
HP I want to thank you for these questions. By my shooting from the hip answer with no preponderence. I just realized that from the begining this relationship was not a healthy relationship. Which I knew to be somewhat true but from what just popped into my head as a answer shows it was way more unhealthy then I thought.
Want another example of how different my H and I are, He has said for him it was love at first sight from day one.He knew I was the one he wanted to spend his life with.
Quote: My H was like a puppy you see and think adorable so you take it home. Though as the puppy grows it shows behaviors you do not like ie eatting shoes tearing out trash ect. Though you do not like this behavior and wish you no longer had the puppy you do not want to send it to the pound to be put down. You do not want the puppy to come to harm just because you made a mistake by getting it. So you learn to tolerate these things as part of having a dog. With time you get used to the dog always being around and develope a love for it and know that when the dog dies you will oddly miss it.
The last couple of days my frustration has been growing. I have been reeling with my H and his revelation he thought we were fixed. Little things have become big things.
Example I play silly I love you games with my kids S10 the most. I will ask him do you know how much I love you and he will say to the moon and back (yes came from a book), Then we will banter back He loves me to the moon and back and then mars ect. This is fun interaction with my kids H the other day walks up behind me and ask how much I love him. I say I just love him. He says but how much. Again I state I just do and that I am not going to play silly games with him. He says it is not a game I said yes it is a silly word game that I play with my children. My skin is crawling by now and my head is raging Do you want me to think of you as a adult or as a child which is it make up your mind. Do you want me to be your wife or mother.I could have played the game with him I know it was not a big deal.I have relented and played the game with him before to keep the calm. But as the MC pointed out to my H with his neediness I am always fighting against the feeling like I am his mother instead of wife feelings. It becomes confussing to decide which role I am playing with him. And becomes confussing on issues of how I percieve him.
I know it is just I am frustrated. I am dissapointed. So I am here expressing this.
This morning my H asked me how I felt about our R and where we were. I told him the same as I always have. That I give him credit for trying to deal with his anger. And that it has been more peaceful around here because of that. But I also pointed out that I feel he is blind sided by the fact that I have let go of my resentments towards his sexual needs and tried to be more understanding of them. But in essense nothing else has changed in the dynamics of our relationship. My H stated he only has two more C sessions to go and he is done. I told him that I did not feel 5 sessions with a C could really help him to the degree of being more then a bandaid. I told him I did not feel just offering him a different way to respond to his anger was enough the key was to find the root of the cause of the anger and heal that. I then asked my H what about his insecuritys and need to control. He stated that that came from his anger. And his anger came from past relationships and experiences. I asked him if they had talked about and explored this in depth. He stated they had I asked as example what have you talked about. He would rather not talk about it. I told him that was to vague to give me a sense of security from it. He said he percieved all woman as lying whores no whys to why he felt this way or explanation as to how he came to a place that he no longer feels this way. He just did in 3 weeks time. And that I am his wife and so he should trust me. Wow who knew healing was so simple. I know he was expecting me to become reassured by this and to just not be afraid of him anymore. I am sorry I am still afraid of him.I wish it was so simple as to say well if you say you are okay now no longer angry no longer controlling and no longer going to become delusionally jealous I believe you. But I cannot. I still see him checking the phones to see who called or who was called I still feel he is lurking and reading my threads I still believe he is checking my internet history ect. He says it is not to check on me anymore to prove I am doing something wrong. That he is just checking the phone to see who called ect. Okay same behavior just with a different reason? Am I wrong to feel that he wants to be fixed and so is convincing himself he is done with all of this but keeping the same behaviors just adding a different pretense to why. Am I wrong in believing this may be as dangerous if not liable to become more dangerous for me.When he finally explodes. Am I wrong for thinking that as many C do my H C has "espoused the idea that a person can change simply by deciding to do so. Hence ignoring the fact that behaviors are deeply ingrained into patterns established while they were young". In a word putting a bandaid on the wound instead of cleaning the wound of debrie so it does not fester.
So what do you guys think should I just go with the he is cured we are cured delusion on the chance it is correct. Or should I remain cautious at this point?
Do you really need for us to answer that? You already know the answer....read back through your post. My best advice is go with what your gut says. If you don't trust that he can be "cured" within this time frame, and you need time to see he's changed....then go with that. Just because he says he's changed, doesn't mean you have to take him at his word...his behavior has gone on for several years, he shouldn't expect you to say "oh ok, your cured now...I'm all better too." If you can you might want to tell him that as well...you've lived with the threat of his anger & physical harm for quite some time....tell him you will need time to see he has really changed permanently, let his actions support his words.
And...if you go back through your last post, you'll see you haven't let go of your resentment toward him....you still have it, even if it only comes out here (which, usually if it comes out here...it will come out at home too)....but from what I just read you do still harbor it...and it can take a bit of time to let that go. Heck....there are things I resent about my H in our R too LOL.
Can I ask....why you equated your H wanting to play that game with you as you having to choose whether or not you view him as an adult or a child? Perhaps he was truly just trying to have some fun with you....he sees you enjoy a game like that with the kids and thought perhaps he could play with you in a similar manner (just a thought). Of course I wasn't there to see the interaction....but if my H walked up behind me and did that, I wouldn't think of him as a child. Is it more that he appeared needy towards you that made you cringe (skin crawl)?
Also, if you H has been going to anger management counseling...and that is almost over, then this might be a really good time to suggest when that ends that you two go to MC together. IMPO...you both could really benefit from it. I know in my M....I thought my H was the one with all the problems (and he does seem to have the majority of them)...but I've found there are plenty of things I need to work on too....and the C'ing has really helped "our" communication....we now are able to communicate much more clearly with one another, we still have a lot of work ahead, but at least our communication on a daily basis has improved
Well I was really opening up the door for someone to jump in and say that as long as I held on to my distrust of his cure I would be standing in my own way of some sort.
." If you can you might want to tell him that as well...you've lived with the threat of his anger & physical harm for quite some time....tell him you will need time to see he has really changed permanently, let his actions support his words. ]
I have been telling him this did so again today in our talk. I am not willing to allow him to dismiss my fear as silly or unwarrented. I recognize he is trying and I am constently praising him for this. But it will take a long time for me to over come that fear of him if I ever can. So I do not want him to feel this is another fixed issue. Which is the impression gave me today of how he feels.
And...if you go back through your last post, you'll see you haven't let go of your resentment toward him.... Oh the only resentment I have let go of is on the sexual issues. I have alot of resentment regaurding the control issues still. Towards my H and myself for allowing it.
Can I ask....why you equated your H wanting to play that game with you as you having to choose whether or not you view him as an adult or a child?
This was just a example of how my frustration with the fixed thing is backsplashing into other areas. Which I realize and am trying to not allow to happen but it is so I am more trying to control my reaction to it.ie keep in my mind that I am over reacting to this because of this. Hence my coming here to vent.
In truth I guess I feel this is a childish game I relate it to a way to make my LD son (learning disabled son) understand he is special to me. I take it down to his level. We have done this on and off since he was a few years old. It is a way for me to reassure my child that I love him vastly no matter what. In a way he can relate to.
I myself could not imagine as a adult speaking to another adult expecting to be answered to as one would a child. My H was not joking he was serious when asking. He asks this all the time. I once answered as much as a totem pole the next day it was so do you love me more then a totem pole today. So I said yes and his response was how much I said a totem pole and a half. The next day do you love me more then a totem pole and a half and on and on every day. Again can you say overkill. If he needs reassurance that is fine but ask for it in a adult way.
Mind you my H has never played this game with any of our children hence I at times again see this as a sign of his jealousy and controling nature. He is jealous of the love I display to my children and tries to infringe on the way I display it and make it become about him. This may be jaded perception on my part I acknowledge this. It is though how I sometimes feel.
Again the last few days I have been ranting it comes from my frustration of feeling I am running in place.
Also, if you H has been going to anger management counseling...and that is almost over, then this might be a really good time to suggest when that ends that you two go to MC together.
I am going to suggest that we again do this. We did it a year ago and then my H called a halt to it because he felt the C was on my side after she suggested he take on some responsibility for his part in the problems in our relationship and suggested he rely more on himself for fufillment of his personal needs.(non sexual).
I know in my M....I thought my H was the one with all the problems
My H feels this way that I am the one with the problems because he is happy with us as a whole. I have always been capable of saying I have faults. I may sometimes over look something that may be a fault or a problem that is mine but not with intent but once realized I do take ownership of them. Though my own admission of the last few days I have accepted fault for being so dissatisfied with my H and my expectations of him. H never said when we get older this is what I am going to be like. I assumed that with my idealistic beliefs what he would be like. That is my fault not his. I admit that I never looked past the here and now and into the future long term aspects of our relationship until I was forced to. This was my failure and my fault.
HP questions this morning and my response has been playing in my mind. I realize that I never fell in love with my H I learned to love him. Again my fault for overlooking this and probably a large dynamic in the problems in my relationship. I am pondering this and seeing so many things that can be related to this. But it will take me a few days to decide what to do with this realization. It does not change the today and where I am at. It does not change the fact I am in this marriage and need to continue to try to make it work. But I am sure that this realization will change something.
I wanted to give my response to this some thought. I fully relate to the "dusting off of boxes" that you refer to. I often described abusive events in my life as being locked away in a box, compartementalized into parts of my thought processes that were unavailable to me for examination. The employment of dissociation for survival is complex and takes many turns to undo. You have taken a vital first step in recognizing that there are issues to be dealt with and have put into motion a plan to deal with them. I know sticking with it can be rough and it can get downright terrifying at times, but it is well worth the work to get through it. You description of your childhood is one great sadness and very little support. I commend you for taking on your issues. Those boxes are difficult to deal with now, but in the future will begin to take on a different shape. They will contain the same things, but as you work, you will begin to see them differently. They won't contain the terror, pain, and loss they do now. Don't expect it to be a smooth ride, no ride worth taking ever is. My prayers are with you, Chrissy.
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
Thank you for your support. Yes my childhood does hold a lot of bad memories. Some my own doing some others. Alot of things snowballed due to lack of emotional maturity with what was happening at certain ages in my life. I had a great mom but unfortunetly certain things where just not talked about or dealt with. Sorta like sweeping it under the carpet made it better. And my mom was alone in all of it herself even after she remarried. Some good things have come from the way we evolve through generations like peoples ability to be open with there kids and tell them about life and how to handle its ups and downs. Then some bad things come from it also like kids knowing to much about sex from age 8 on. ie Example. D when she was about three of four and I where at the grocery store in the little town we lived in. D was standing in front of me at the checkout and her pants where hiked up a bit (elastic bottoms) I bent down to fix them and discovered they were lodged on something .I pulled the pant leg up some to see what was under it holding it up. Pany liners my D had found my panty liners and plastered them on her legs like bandaids. I found this hysterically funny laughed my ass of at her. My mom found this mortifying and was so embarrassed she would not go back into that store for months. Panyliners are taboo personal and signify a private event ie your period to publicly acknowledge that we have these is bad or shameful. Yeah right they are apart of life everyone knows woman have them so no big deal to me they were clean but to my mom oh no it was terrible. Just a example of the difference of the way we think and act as generations pass.
I really would not walk this journey if I did not feel that it was important in figuring out my emotional disconnection that I have towards others. I have for as long as I can remember been able to shut off my emotions like flipping a light switch but it seems the switch only works to shut them off you cannot just flip it and turn them back on. So I guess I am looking for the wire that burned out that allows them to come back on.
I have not posted this week giving myself a down time of all the choas in my brain. Last week my realization that I never fell in love with my H I learned to love him. And the flashing thought of how my H kisses reminds me of my grandfather both through me off guard. I have realized that how I came to love my H is not really that important. There are many people who fell in love vs developed a love for the spouse that are on this BB to. So either way we are all still in the same boat. And I would more then likely still be in the same place I am now had I fallen in love with him. The issue of the kissing well that one is harder. How to approach my H and say I have figured out why I cannot stand this it reminds me of my gramps. My H already knows his behaviors remind me of my step dad which is not good. Now to add on something else that reminds me of someone that hurt me deeply in life maybe a little overwhelming for him. I know I need to take this step and talk to him about it. But my H has never seemed concerned about how I feel about things from my past. Never has he asked me if I think about any of these things still or how my past has made me feel about me. What little things he knows about he often throws in my face like I was a bad person. So this conversation is not a I want to have conversation more a I need to and dread it conversation.
Quote: But my H has never seemed concerned about how I feel about things from my past. Never has he asked me if I think about any of these things still or how my past has made me feel about me. What little things he knows about he often throws in my face like I was a bad person. So this conversation is not a I want to have conversation more a I need to and dread it conversation.
My H reacted to my admission of sexual abuse with almost the same MO. I don't think it's because he wanted to be a jerk, but it cut me to the soul just the same. After much thought I came to a place where I believe that he just didn't know how to deal with it. And still doesn't, but is getting to a place where he doesn't blame me for my childhood as much anymore. I'm getting to a place where I see it as more about him than about me.
You have much to deal with, take it easy on yourself and try to see the incremental improvements you are making on the way. Do you have any special things you do to take care of yourself? Now might be a good time to make a list of them and keep them handy for when you are feeling overwhelmed.
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
