The last couple of days my frustration has been growing. I have been reeling with my H and his revelation he thought we were fixed. Little things have become big things.
Example I play silly I love you games with my kids S10 the most. I will ask him do you know how much I love you and he will say to the moon and back (yes came from a book), Then we will banter back He loves me to the moon and back and then mars ect. This is fun interaction with my kids H the other day walks up behind me and ask how much I love him. I say I just love him. He says but how much. Again I state I just do and that I am not going to play silly games with him. He says it is not a game I said yes it is a silly word game that I play with my children. My skin is crawling by now and my head is raging Do you want me to think of you as a adult or as a child which is it make up your mind. Do you want me to be your wife or mother.I could have played the game with him I know it was not a big deal.I have relented and played the game with him before to keep the calm. But as the MC pointed out to my H with his neediness I am always fighting against the feeling like I am his mother instead of wife feelings. It becomes confussing to decide which role I am playing with him. And becomes confussing on issues of how I percieve him.
I know it is just I am frustrated. I am dissapointed. So I am here expressing this.
This morning my H asked me how I felt about our R and where we were. I told him the same as I always have. That I give him credit for trying to deal with his anger. And that it has been more peaceful around here because of that. But I also pointed out that I feel he is blind sided by the fact that I have let go of my resentments towards his sexual needs and tried to be more understanding of them. But in essense nothing else has changed in the dynamics of our relationship. My H stated he only has two more C sessions to go and he is done. I told him that I did not feel 5 sessions with a C could really help him to the degree of being more then a bandaid. I told him I did not feel just offering him a different way to respond to his anger was enough the key was to find the root of the cause of the anger and heal that. I then asked my H what about his insecuritys and need to control. He stated that that came from his anger. And his anger came from past relationships and experiences. I asked him if they had talked about and explored this in depth. He stated they had I asked as example what have you talked about. He would rather not talk about it. I told him that was to vague to give me a sense of security from it. He said he percieved all woman as lying whores no whys to why he felt this way or explanation as to how he came to a place that he no longer feels this way. He just did in 3 weeks time. And that I am his wife and so he should trust me. Wow who knew healing was so simple. I know he was expecting me to become reassured by this and to just not be afraid of him anymore. I am sorry I am still afraid of him.I wish it was so simple as to say well if you say you are okay now no longer angry no longer controlling and no longer going to become delusionally jealous I believe you. But I cannot. I still see him checking the phones to see who called or who was called I still feel he is lurking and reading my threads I still believe he is checking my internet history ect. He says it is not to check on me anymore to prove I am doing something wrong. That he is just checking the phone to see who called ect. Okay same behavior just with a different reason? Am I wrong to feel that he wants to be fixed and so is convincing himself he is done with all of this but keeping the same behaviors just adding a different pretense to why. Am I wrong in believing this may be as dangerous if not liable to become more dangerous for me.When he finally explodes. Am I wrong for thinking that as many C do my H C has "espoused the idea that a person can change simply by deciding to do so. Hence ignoring the fact that behaviors are deeply ingrained into patterns established while they were young". In a word putting a bandaid on the wound instead of cleaning the wound of debrie so it does not fester.
So what do you guys think should I just go with the he is cured we are cured delusion on the chance it is correct. Or should I remain cautious at this point?
