Well I have decided to throw in the towel at this point. Not on my self and my own self improvements. But on my unrealistic hope that my H or my M will ever be what I want it to be,
My idea H would be strong,smart,funny and adventuresome. He would be decisive and independent. He would be a take charge kinda guy that was full of surprises. He would be someone I could lay under the stars with and have witty somewhat intellegent conversations with. And plot out future life adventures and dreams. I would admire him I would respect him I would adore him I would feel safe with him and challenged by him. My idea relationship is a life that is shared but still experienced. A partner that seeks adventures of there own to share secondhandly through tales of there experience and also seeks out adventures to do as partners. My idea relationship would be with a person that desires life and lives a full life and shares that with me. And a relationship where I can seek out experiences to share with them physically and in second hand nature. Some ones whos desire for life surpises me and enthralls me.
But this is not my H. And this will never be my H. And this is not my R and never will be Though my H could make some lumberjacks look as though they need to go work out. That is the only thing my H really has in common with my idea partner in life. I need to come to terms with and except that. I need to stop hoping for a magical change. My H is content. Content to sit on the couch and watch TV. Content to allow me to make all decisions in his life. Content to just be here. Content to have me be the only adult person in his life to communicate with. Content with just the fact he is breathing. Not only is he content he is fufilled by this. I realize this now. No matter how I change and what I give to him to fufill his needs in this M. Mine are unobtainable. My H has no desire to be this person. It is not who he is nor who he wants to be. He likes his life as is . The only improvement he wants is for me to become more affectionate. This is the only dynamic in our relationship that he feels is out of kilter and could make him happier. I have the power to change that dynamic I can make him the happiest man on earth. But I do not have the power to make myself happy within this M. Is that not sad. We all talk about how we can only do our part it is up to them to do there part. What if like my self our part does not take us one step closer to our goals or wants.
To say the least I amd discouraged. To say the least I am frustrated. To say the least I am sad. To say the least I am lost in what to do from this point concerning my R. I feel it important to keep searching for the clues to my emotional deficit. I feel the need to keep continuing to fill his love tank at this time to keep peace. But I also realize that in the end it really will not hold the key to my happiness in this R. I may be able to accept him for who he is but I will never be able to be completely satisfied with who he is.I will always long for who he is not.
In a word I am on a journey but my journey does not seem to be leading me where I want to go. I am on someone else idea trek through the woods and going to there choice of destination. I feel dissapointed like when you dream of a great warm vacation in Hawii but lack the money to get there and a companion so you end up tagging along with someone else to there great vacation to Alaska and still have to pay half the cost.
Well I will continue to walk on the journey I am just a little disheartened by where is seems to be leading.
Hope all on here are not having such a down day today.
