Did the comfort sex with H last night. He again did the legs sprawled out come and get me position. I decided since I find this so turnoffish I would address it. I asked is that suppose to turn me on yes pretty much pervatem words there. He acted as if he did not know what I mean. I proceeded to tell him I found nothing attractive about his come get it postition ect..
He seemed fine but I now was in a resolution mode. I told H it was his turn to get things started and decide what we should do. Yeah he was like what do you mean. I said something different position act blah blah blah. Like I started the shower thing and took charge of the postitions and the dirty movie thing ect now it was his turn. He could not think of anything. I asked a fantasy to play out anything. Nope notta. We ended up having sex the norm. He went back into happy camperland and I ended up feeling again this person is not able to have a original thought of there own. It did not put me in that bad place of the past but did again make me feel like I am swimming in a shallow pool and getting no were fast.
I should have learned last time that durring sex is not the time to solve problems or try to make points. So let me publicly slap myself on the wrist and say bad girl.
Well came here with the intent of opening that second box. But it is hot and there is a swimming pool in my back yard screaming for me to come float around in it so I guess the box and context will have to wait.
Oh yesterday after I posted and went off to float my mind started wondering to those other boxes while thinking of a drinking experience I had a wierd thought/memory. My gramps drank pabst blue ribbon he always saved me a swig at the bottom of the bottle for being fetching girl for the next bottle. I don't know why but I all of a sudden remembered when my gramps kissed you it was always slobbery open fish lip type kisses. This was his norm with everyone think he did it on purpose. My mind then flashed to my H and his habit of french kissing becoming wet. Wondering if those two thoughts came together for a reason. My mind automatically jumped to a omg I wonder if that is why the french kiss drooly thing repulses me so much. But my brain was being sun baked at the time so who knows.
Have a good day going to go bake myself somemore in the 102 degree weather!
Well I have decided to throw in the towel at this point. Not on my self and my own self improvements. But on my unrealistic hope that my H or my M will ever be what I want it to be,
My idea H would be strong,smart,funny and adventuresome. He would be decisive and independent. He would be a take charge kinda guy that was full of surprises. He would be someone I could lay under the stars with and have witty somewhat intellegent conversations with. And plot out future life adventures and dreams. I would admire him I would respect him I would adore him I would feel safe with him and challenged by him. My idea relationship is a life that is shared but still experienced. A partner that seeks adventures of there own to share secondhandly through tales of there experience and also seeks out adventures to do as partners. My idea relationship would be with a person that desires life and lives a full life and shares that with me. And a relationship where I can seek out experiences to share with them physically and in second hand nature. Some ones whos desire for life surpises me and enthralls me.
But this is not my H. And this will never be my H. And this is not my R and never will be Though my H could make some lumberjacks look as though they need to go work out. That is the only thing my H really has in common with my idea partner in life. I need to come to terms with and except that. I need to stop hoping for a magical change. My H is content. Content to sit on the couch and watch TV. Content to allow me to make all decisions in his life. Content to just be here. Content to have me be the only adult person in his life to communicate with. Content with just the fact he is breathing. Not only is he content he is fufilled by this. I realize this now. No matter how I change and what I give to him to fufill his needs in this M. Mine are unobtainable. My H has no desire to be this person. It is not who he is nor who he wants to be. He likes his life as is . The only improvement he wants is for me to become more affectionate. This is the only dynamic in our relationship that he feels is out of kilter and could make him happier. I have the power to change that dynamic I can make him the happiest man on earth. But I do not have the power to make myself happy within this M. Is that not sad. We all talk about how we can only do our part it is up to them to do there part. What if like my self our part does not take us one step closer to our goals or wants.
To say the least I amd discouraged. To say the least I am frustrated. To say the least I am sad. To say the least I am lost in what to do from this point concerning my R. I feel it important to keep searching for the clues to my emotional deficit. I feel the need to keep continuing to fill his love tank at this time to keep peace. But I also realize that in the end it really will not hold the key to my happiness in this R. I may be able to accept him for who he is but I will never be able to be completely satisfied with who he is.I will always long for who he is not.
In a word I am on a journey but my journey does not seem to be leading me where I want to go. I am on someone else idea trek through the woods and going to there choice of destination. I feel dissapointed like when you dream of a great warm vacation in Hawii but lack the money to get there and a companion so you end up tagging along with someone else to there great vacation to Alaska and still have to pay half the cost.
Well I will continue to walk on the journey I am just a little disheartened by where is seems to be leading.
Hope all on here are not having such a down day today.
Let me ask you this....was your H ever the type of man you described your ideal H to be? You have said he's not this man and never will be....so why have you been trying to make him into something he's not?
There are aspects of my H I have glimpsed that I am trying to draw-out, but I don't want to change who he is. The things you described brought to mind a vision of keeping your H's body...but substituting someone completely different on the inside. I may be way off...that's just what it made me think of.
If, and I do say if, you have been attempting to change him that totally...you're right, your fighting a losing battle. Would you want him to approach you and change so many fundamental things about you? If he attempted to do that...would you feel that he was happy with you as the person you are? If you have been attempting to do this complete personality makeover on your H...you could have been contributing to your own problems by doing so. People will resist this type of a makeover....especially if it's not who they are at their core.
Think back....what was your H like when you married him. Has he changed that much? For that matter have you changed from what you were like? Start from there to begin to see where you need to really start working on your R. If you H is basically the same man he was....then who are your really disappointed in him....or you?
Not picking on you at all here....just pointing out some things for you to think about.
No he never was that man. He was 19 when I met him I guess I thought he would mature into that man. Though he had never had alot of life experiences I thought it do to age not lack of desire to have them. My H is almost exactly as he was 15 years ago when I met him. He has lacked self growth over the years. And I find I am not as interested in the same things I was 15 years ago.
And though I have not really been trying to change him. I have been waitting for him to change. And admit I feel disappointed at times because it never happens.
Would you want him to approach you and change so many fundamental things about you?. He already has and by my own fault I allowed it.
If you H is basically the same man he was....then who are your really disappointed in him....or you? Myself no doubt in the largest part. I am disappointed that I believed that people grow and evolve and change and that I did not look past this 24 year old idealism to the 40 year old reality that not all people do this. And that my H would be one of those people. I am disappointed in myself for not seeing and realizing that by doing things because I was capable and knowledgable or darring enough to do what he was not that I would always be the one to do them. I am disappointed that at 24 I did not realize I would not only be this persons mate I would also be make shift mamma for life. I am disappointed in myself that in my 24 idealism I could not see that I would be so unsatisfied in life and myself later. So yes I am more disappointed in myself then him.
I have to accept he is not who I thought he would be as he grew as a person. And that was what I was saying I have to accept it and stop waitting for that more mature individual to creep out of the shadows. But how do you stop wanting it. I watch my kids as they change they have developed from infant who needs all the time to toddler who starts being independent of parent. To youth who developes personality and interest. To young adult who develope beliefs and wants. I listen to there dreams from being police officer to professional skater. And I admire there desire to become and do things even if it is just a long winded never gonna happen a year from now you will be interested in something else type deal. I admire there desire to live and experience. My H does not do this he never has he has no desire to do or experience he does not dream dreams he tags along with others.I have to accept that.But how do I become satisfied with that when it means any dreams I have and wants I have for a partner to share dreams with and experience with and make plans for those dreams and experiences and the joy of it are never going to become real
IMPO....if what you want so badly does not exist in your H, never has, probably never will....then I think you need to really examine the benefits of the R. No one can expect you to stop wanting what you want...it's a need. You need someone who can be more of the things you described....or you wouldn't still be longing for those things.
So...once again, remind me...what are the benefits of this R? Are you willing to live without the things you mentioned in your previous post? Are you willing to live in this status-quo? These are things, I believe, you need to answer. Sometimes taking on questions like these can lead you to the "how" you live with something....or whether you live with it.
For personal benifit as emotional there are realy no benifits for me to remain in my marriage. For physical benifits ie being allowed air and such there are a vast many. For others benifits ie my children and my H there are many.
Nothing has really changed I have just realized there is no need to keep setting myself up for disappointment in the future.I plan to keep on course at this time to improve myself and keep learning how others view things to better help me understand. Just with a less idealistic and a more realistic understanding that my goal of being fufilled is not likely.
I in a sense think I am still reeling I have suspected that H was again thinking we were living in happy camperland. That since his needs where being met we were happy. Wednesday after his meeting with his C I got comfirmation of this. He had told he C the only real anger issue he had durring the week was when I tried to suggest a comfortable boundry for both of us for his need for physical touch. It made him angry that I did not want to be chased around the house to be hugged and kissed constently and that until I said this he thought we were good and happy. We were fixed. as you stated that your C felt regaurding your H An interesting thing to come out of our C session too is this....our C believes my H's needs are being met, so he's happy....therefore I have little bargaining power (so-to-speak) to motivate him (other than me leaving) to meet my needs. But not only do I feel that I have no bargining power. I feel my H since he is fufilled expects me to be also. I have tried and tried to make him understand what I need from him is not what he needs from me. He will not understand or cannot understand this. Hence I feel defeated in my efforts. This has not been a 7 week fight to make him see me this has been a on going 4 year war with no improvement. I have gained no ground.
Do I want to live in the status-quo no. Am I willing to that depends right now.
I have finally taken that ennegrams test I am a type 7. I have not read or comprehended the whole of it yet. But it did jump out at me that this type is one who seeks experiences and one of my biggest disappointments in my H is in his lack of desire to experience life. Which hinders myself from experiences in life.
Don't give up quite yet on your H understanding...he hasn't been going to the C for very long....and you are just at the beginning of the path to fixing your M. Heck! I've been doing this for a year...and there are ups and downs to it.
I'm going to tell you this as straightforwardly as I possibly can.
If you make up your mind that your H cannot/will not understand what you need.....he won't.
If you settle on the supposed fact that you will not have your needs met....you won't.
I don't know for sure that my H is ever really going to step up and do what I need of him either...I hope he does, and I'm going to be optimistic and give him the benefit of the doubt that he wants to and somehow it will happen.
I often ask myself the same questions I pose to you on here, one of which is "what is the benefit of staying"? It's often a tough question to answer....but when you answer it answer it from how does it benefit YOU. I understand you will want to bring your kids in to it...that's a natural motherly thing to do....but answer how it benefits YOU. How it benefits your H....is irrelevant. I even notice that you included "air" in a physical benefit....that is not the benefit I'm speaking of. Air is free you know Your H & your M don't provide that for you....and if your H is threatening to cut your air off....then that's certainly not a benefit. I'm hoping I misunderstood something there.
Anyway....what I meant was, specifically...how does staying with your H (if you really don't think he's going to "get it") benefit YOU? IMPO you answered the question in the 1st sentence. "For personal benifit as emotional there are realy no benifits for me to remain in my marriage." Now I'm not saying leave, please don't think I am....but you really need to look at the Pro's & Con's of your situation.
For me, I stay because I do love my H...and I know he loves me too, but we are experiencing a stumbling block that could grow into a wall if it's not constantly addressed. Sure there's the financial security that is provided, but truly I stay because I love him and I understand that he has an inability to show emotion and a very hard time with "intimacy" in general that we are trying to address.
If I didn't love him...I would already be gone, because I know (for myself anyway) that I'd make a better mother to my son as a happy person rather than a miserable one....but that's me, that's not me telling you what YOU should do k?
Chrissy, Have you told your H what your needs are?
What was his response?
As I was looking over them, the number one thing that jumped out at me was "privacy". Many of your needs seem to come back to this. Perhaps that will be a good place to start. Make small goals for him. "This week I would like to get a haircut", etc.
The ones like "I want him to make me leave the house and do something for myself" well......you may as well strike that off your list. We are not put on this earth to MAKE our spouse take care of themselves, kwim? A far more reasonable request is: I want to do xyz and I would like to come home to a nice greeting, no smothering, with no questions or accusations.
If your husband is anything like mine, he will need your emotional needs spelled out in the most specific terms you can think of. Give examples and time frames.
He is not meeting your needs now but I am suspecting that he's never really tried. Given that he's in counseling, I'll bet that he will be more open to doing that, than any other time in your marriage.
I know what you mean about this person not fulfilling you. But do remember that love is a choice--we are not slaves to our feelings. If you felt loving feelings for him once, chances are you can do it again. My husband is not the same person I married at all. His entire personality has changed. It hasn't been easy finding reasons to love the new him...he isn't the guy I married, you know? But at the same time, it's not impossible.
Stay on track with the Resurrection. We're not going to let you get down and throw the whole plan in the trash heap. We're in it with you now.
I am really just going to look at it with a more reasonable expectation of outcome.
Don't give up quite yet on your H understanding...he hasn't been going to the C for very long... This is only anger management classes the C is only interested in teaching him new ways to control his anger. Not to look from different objectives or see others perspectives. I do not even think they are looking for the source of the anger just a more control of it. The MC we went to last year attempted to make it visible to my H that what we want was different and that it would require give and take to make our relationship work. My H plainly stated he would not give what I want.
When I say to my H I would like you to find something of interest for yourself be it a hunting,fishing,camping trip with friends or a day of golf with a friend. What my H hears is I want him out of the house so I can have wild sex with the neighbors or go streaking through the park.
When I say to my H I want you to be responsible for yourself and to make decisions by yourself. What he hears is I dont love him and want him to leave me alone.
When I say to my H I need a little privacy and quite time. What he hears is I am up to something and trying to hide it.
It does not matter what words are used or who is saying them to him. it does not matter what approach is taken to address the sitch it has no different effect.
I've been doing this for a year...and there are ups and downs to it. I have been actively doing this for 4. The last 14 months have been non stop to no avail.
and I'm going to be optimistic and give him the benefit of the doubt that he wants to and somehow it will happen.
My H does not want to step up to the plate. He wants me to be satisfied with what satisfys him. He has stated so in almost direct words.
I'm hoping I misunderstood something there Nope you got it right it is a threat I live with. Air it self yes is free I guess the benifit I recieve is the ability to still breath it.
IMPO you answered the question You are right there to. That is my answer. It is how at this moment in life I feel there is no emotional benifits for me directly. I know that my H loves me but that is not enough in life for me to just be loved. No more then it is enough for a HD to just be loved without the sexual side added in.
Again I feel right now my mind is just in overdrive. I am just so over taken by dispear of the sitch. I just keep hearing the words echo through my mind. I thought we were good and happy and fixed. The only thing that has changed was letting go of my resentment of his sexual needs and trying to be more understanding of them. Nothing else notta has changed. Now if I was 7 weeks back in time my response to this would be solid proof that my H life revolves around his penis ect. I would go on my man hate mindset I would let the resentment build and flow freely. And be on my as long as your co@k is being stroked you are happy and I do not matter tiraid. But I am not so I guess I really have achieved some personal growth in this area. Because I do not feel this. I feel despondent I feel discouraged but I do not feel resentful in that respect.
Your H & your M don't provide that for you....and if your H is threatening to cut your air off....then that's certainly not a benefit. I'm hoping I misunderstood something there.