Okay time to start dusting off those boxes and see what we find.

1. How I feel about my biological father and his abandonment of myself my mother and my olders sister


Hmm my real dad. He really abandoned my mother and my older sister more from my POV. My mother was pregnant for me at the time he left. So there was never any when is my daddy comming home emotions for me to sift through or deal with. He was never there so I never felt a lose with his absense. I have a picture of myself and him and sister at the zoo when I was about maybe close to two. But this is the only time I know of that I saw him. Not saying it is the only time just the only record so to speak of it. I have no memories of him being in my life when I was younger.

My father was a alcoholic a gambler and a womanizer from what I was told when I was younger. He ran/owned a restraunt that was really owned by the mafia he stole/owed them money for gambling and decided sticking around to be a family man was not for him. So ran hid and changed his name. What little memories I have not that someone has given me of him was him calling our house on occassion upsetting my mom making her cry or them just talking then when the conversation was about over her asking him are you not even going to ask about your children.
From what I understand his and my mothers marriage was not a bad marriage.
My mother really never said alot about my dad when we were younger. What little bits and pieces I knew about were from others in his and our family. My mother remained married to this man for years after he left. Being a devote Catholic she went to the church for her divorce which takes years. But as I have gotten older and my mom has spoken more about my father I realize now that there may have been more reasons then that for her staying married. She remained hopefull. She had such unconditional love for this man even now she loves him in some deep place within. He was the love of her life then and now 40 some years later.

Anyhow I did have a uncle and aunt (my fathers brother) who helped my mother with me when I was young wanted to adopt me and so forth. I was born in poor health rh factor moms blood attached me while pregnant was almost dead at birth nuns named me great story. My Uncle felt raising a sick child and being a single mom would be to much for my mother and wanted to step in and pick up my dads responsibility's. Fate had it my Uncle died not long after I was born died in a tornato. To this day I still love this man though I do not remember him.

Any how back to my dad. I do not look like my father my older sister does. But growing up people remarked how much I acted like this man. I think this was a bad thing in my mind since what little I knew was this person found a bottle more important then me and my mom and sister. I was young and did not realize it could have been good traits he had had that I resembled. I felt I was doomed to be just like him.I grew up thinking a bottle was more important then his family to him and I was going to be like that.
Outside of this fear of being like him when I was younger. I developed a sense of resentment for him not from wanting a father. But from watching my mom struggle and what not having a father was taking from us kids as in having a mother. My mom was a great mother to us. But she worked all the time. She was a waitress we lived in a restraunt enviroment. She went to work early in the morning came home for awhile to be with us kids then would go back to work. She worked doubles most of the time just to make ends meet. I remember when I was 4 and my sister was 6 my sister was responsible to walk me 4 blocks to my daycare center and then had to walk 3 blocks in another direction to her school. We walked through the main streets of a huge town to get to my daycare then she walked unattended through a residental area to the school. I do not resent my mother for this I resent my father even had he not been there he could have helped my mom financially so she would not have had to have been to work at 5am or could have afforded to pay someone to stay with us to 6am when the daycare opened.

So I have so far a fear of akinship of behavior and resentment towards my father. By the time I was about 11 I would say but no other real emotional anything.

My mom remarried about this time and through my step father I oddly discovered over the years that I respected a father who left more then one who stayed and tormented everyone in there path. And what my father took from my mom and what she endured by his leaving was less then what my step father took and made my mom endure by his staying.

Jump ahead I am now just 19 (may have still been 18). I discover my real father and mother have been in contact and that he is sending her money back child support in my eyes money to help me in his. I wanted to go to college my parents financal state was a mess. I have no clue how much he sent her when it started did not care did not matter.
I don't know if she used me as a pretense to get money she needed from him do not know do not care he owed her 18 years of child support whatever works right.
My father decided he would help me with college on a condition. I came to California and stayed with him. I had never even spoken to this man but it looked win win to me. My life dream was to move to California my friends and myself had all made a pact of road trip to freedom of California after high school. And I wanted to be a social worker at the time so California law allowed students to go to school before they were 21 for this but not become one until 21. The state I lived in you had to be 21 to go to school for it. Two of my life goals being meet to met the man that had abandoned us. I went to California.

It was ackward the day I stepped off the plane not emotional ackward. I stayed on the plane to help a lady who was traveling with to small children carry her stuff off. I walked off baby in tow looking for a peson I had never seen he stood watching for a person he had never seen not expecting a baby in hand. I walked right past him.
After giving up baby I looked around the only way I did figure out who he was was true in word my older sis was his spitting image in a female younger version. He embraced me which was very ackward for me. I do not like being touched all that much and not by strangers at all.

I spent weeks in the ackwardness. Getting use to a new enviorment and this person. He was a cook in a bar at night and a golf caddy, he was called by a different name then I knew him as. And he was a drunk a daily 20 hour out of the day drunk. I think I saw him completly sober only a few times in my months with him. Not always slurring drunk but drunk. I felt out of my element I felt ackward but I did not feel anything towards him on a whole.
As the weeks rolled on this person did try to be fatherish towards me. He took me to see sights or different bars at least he gave me money ect. But there was a growing pissiness in me. In his drunks and efferts he kept telling me how he always knew what was going on in my life. He had always been a father to me of sorts he always helped with us kids ect. He was delusional in this I know it was his way of coping or making himself feel better but I also knew how untrue this was. One day in one of his rants about how he was there and knew everything about me and had always helped. I exploded at him then perceeded to tear every thing in his apartment to shreds. Are R took on a differnt perspective after that. He reprimanded my behavior I sulked we both got over it and went on. But my words of you have never been my father and will never be it is to late stayed between us. I found a good job moved to a place of my own and had very little contact with him after awhile. I had a accident that put me in the hospital for six weeks he found out through my mom came and saw me once or twice but I think he realized though I was okay with him being there I did not need him to be there as a child would there father.

I got married and left California moved to England had a child got divorced moved again had more children got married ect never thinking back to him much. I found my father had been in some contact with my mom over the years. She had sent him pictures of my kids and kept him updated of my life. I felt bad that I had never considered doing this myself after all he had tried. I did not feel he did not deserve to be allowed apart of my life. I just never really gave it much thought. I did try to call him one day after a earthqauke in California I was watching the news and I saw the apartment complex he lived in all those years leveled and I had a sense of feeling sorry for him. In his life he really had not aquired much but what little he did have he lost. I wanted to express my empathy for him. I could not reach him and it seemed to slip my mind after one or two attempts.

My father died a short while after this. He died a very painful death. He died alone just as my mom had perdicted he would often. She had told him someday he would die by himself a lonely death. I did not go to my fathers funeral he had no life insurance he had no money and his family took on the responsiblity of his funeral. He was creamated and burried on top of my uncle he does not have a headstone or a recognition he is even there. This bothers me. I have the military info to get him a headstone but cementary laws do not allow to seperate headstones on one grave. We would have to replace my Uncles headstone or move my father.
I feel sad for this I feel sad that he at least tried to reach out regaurdless how long it took and I was unwilling to reach back. But I do not feel guilty for it.
I feel sad there is no acknowledgment that my father ever existed or died. But for me and only me I find it fitting that my father lie in my Uncles shadow. My Uncle was willing to take up my fathers responsibilitys in life. And to a degree he has taken up his responsibility in death. For me to look at my fathers grave I have to also honor my Uncle.

So not much there in emotional baggage left over boxed up issues I can see. Anyone seeing something maybe I am overlooking?