I decided to use a name with a symbolic meaning in it for my new thread. I know alot of people recap there sitch on a new thread. I choose to just offer the link to my old thread. Thread for Chrissy.
The only part of my old post that I am reinserting into this one is the Steps I feel I need to take for the resurrection of Chrissy So step one to start saying what I feel and think without fear of harm to myself or others. And trying to develope a better understanding of how myself and others including the H feel. And to not only do this on this BB but in my life to my H (to the degree I feel safe)and to others In progress.
Step Two. I am going to go to the doctors to be put back on anti depressants. But I am going with the knowledge no little pill is going to make my life better I have to do that myself. I am going to go back on them to help control the emotional mood swings that all of the ups and downs of the resurrection of Chrissy will entail. I know depression well. And words in my own post have made me jump back and say okay you may not be suicidal right now but dam that I give up attitude reeks depression. hmmm could that be alittle baby step in the better understanding of me.
Step Three I am going to go back to work. This one is not a tomorrow thing. My son is having surgery in July for one reason but the main reason. Goes back to step two I lost a very wonderful job due to the sickness of depression once. I have never lost a job never been told I do not feel you are capable of doing what is required of you before this. Realizing that I had become a hinderence to a company that once felt I was a huge asset was not a good point in my life. I do not feel that a repeat of that will help in my recovery of my form of sickness. So I am not going to jump before I test the water. I do plan on starting to look for a job within the week or to before my kids go back to school and I may only go back part time at first so I do not overload myself. And I am very aware that means less pay alot less pay then I was making before and a job that may be not as satisfing or challenging as I have held in the past. But if I remember it is only a stepping stone in life I do not feel I will become discouraged about that.
Step Four. I am going to become interested and interesting again, Not for others but for myself. I am going to look for and find new things that I may want to try just to learn something from. ie going to lowes and taking a how to apply ceramic tiles to a counter class ect. I am going to force myself to become reinterested in things I use to like and finish projects I have half ass done ie. finish remodeling my D bedroom I tore apart when she moved out ect.. I hope to achieve a feeling of self accomplishment by this. That is very important to me.
Step Five. I am going to develope and maintain relationships ie friendships with others outside of the four walls of this house and computer desk. They will be live they will be viable and I will refuse to allow them to be put in fear of harm or harrasment of my H. I may even try to recultavate some old friendships from my past job. I had three very good friends there one whom actually I had met at a prior job and we became such good friends that when I left one job for a better paying job she came with me.But I shut her out of my life at some point durring all the falling apart Chrissy episode. This is by far going to be one of the hardest challenges for me. I will have to face my fear of future embarrasment and risk of harrasment not only to myself but others by the H to pull this one off. And since I cannot control him or his behavior towards others this one is tricky.
Step Six to read the dictionary my spelling sucks. My ability to spell seems to have fallen by the wayside
So now it is time to start taking out those boxes. And name those demons.
I feel I have already opened a few of them 1. How I feel and where I am at with the molestation by my grandfather 2. How I feel about my H 3. How I feel about myself. I am not putting those boxes up. I am sitting them aside just in case the need arises to rumage through them again
Other boxes I may need to look in will contain. 1. How I feel about my biological father and his abandonment of myself my mother and my olders sister 2. Ex relationships 3. My Ex husband 4. Where I am and how I feel about the fact I have been raped not once but twice within my life. 5. Guilt I feel regaurding my mother.
I make reference to the demons that dwell in my basement often. Now I will name them.
The biggest scariest demon that dwells there is my Step father. Almost all feelings and thoughts that I have for this man are negative and hurtful. I have very few good memories of any time with this person.
The second demon I have to face is my ex-boyfriend. Well not so much the person but the relationship. And the impact that this relationship has manifested into my being. The person themselves is not a negative from my past. But I feel the relationship and what it meant means to me does have a negative impact of sorts.
I refer to these two people as demons because unlike the skeletons of past demons in my life whos remains reside in the boxes. These two demons are still living issue within me. Unresolved unslayed they still have a almost daily impact in my life.
So now I have listed some of the contents I need to sift through and the demons I need to face. And the hope is to see if I can find some little bits and pieces of my emotions that may have gotten packed up with them. And the hope that by slaying the demons I will no longer enable them to have control of any part of me.
I feel this is important not just for my M but also for myself. Healing myself is my number one goal. I do not feel that I can heal my M without healing myself first.
