Quote: Mrs. NOP, thanks for your comments. It puzzles me that you characterize my comments as "slapping at LD people in general." It's the word slapping that has me stumped.
I characterize a "pattern" of posting negative generalized assessments as the equivalent of slapping. It has not been limited to your earliest posts although it was an earlier one I referenced.
Quote: There is some truth to this point (if this is your point) in that I spend a lot of energy looking for general things about LD behavior that I think might shine some light on my sitch.
I see you taking negative things from your boyfriend and extrapolating them out to others. The focus is not going from the general to the specfic, it is going from the specific to the general. How does asserting that LDs are lazy help your situation? How does declaring the LDs don't like affection shed any light for you?
What enlightenment do you think you get when you do this?
I see it as the equivalent of
"Christians are hypocrites" "Men are animals" "Women are bitchy" "Southerners are rednecks"
Show me how it's different.
Show me how an atheist is enlightened by the assertion about Christians.
Show me how a woman is enlightened by the assertion about men.
Show me how a man is enlighted by the assertion about women.
Show me how a Californian is enlightened by the assertion about Southerners.
Quote: The bottom line is that I'm looking for hope. That's where the generalizations come in... it is LIKELY that I will see a change in his behavior? What are the odds? What have others done? What does the research say? What does anyone say?
I find generalizations useful... and we generalize a lot on this board. Our convos about the enneagram are generalizations, so is talk about alcoholism, and affairs ("all affairs are THIS and must be dealt with THIS way"-- BTW this contradicts my own experience with affairs).
But the generalizations you are spouting AREN'T hopeful. Unless by hope you mean that you get to join with as many that want to join you declaring that they are also doing all the work and their spouses are lazy, immature, etc.
Your experience with affairs is from the position of the "other person". Unless those men's wives were sharing with you how their life was affected, then your assessment of affairs is hampered by your lack of understanding and your experience of being on the other side. I don't see how you could attempt to equate being someone's affair partner with being the betrayed wife. That position does not give you greater insight into the affair dynamics and how they damage a marriage. I'll say it very plainly, your experience in a number of affairs as the other woman doesn't elevate your understanding of affairs as it impacts the family that has been betrayed or what that process might be for that family.
Who has said that "all affairs are this"? I know NOP has said that all cheating spouses are liars. Is that what you're referencing? Do you disagree?
You say you want to look for patterns in your situation, but it's not situational patterns you're requesting. You're looking for backup on whether or not your negative assessment of your boyfriend and LD people has anyone in the "amen" corner.
There are patterns in how affairs proceed.
There are patterns in how sexual differences are expressed in marriages.
There are patterns in how relationships proceed.
Looking at the *patterns* in the HD/LD conflicted *relationship* will cause you to look at your boyfriend's AND your behavior. Looking at the relational dynamics will force you to face your own poor behavior/choices/responses as well as assessing your boyfriend's. Continually looking for a pattern of negative ATTRIBUTES is nothing more than scapegoating and blaming.
