Mrs. NOP, thanks for your comments. It puzzles me that you characterize my comments as "slapping at LD people in general." It's the word slapping that has me stumped.

And I'm astounded that you would cite a post from September 11 a year ago. That was post number 1; this one will be post number 1,268. I believe I've learned and grown in over 1,200 posts and a year of reading and interacting on this board.

But (correct me if I'm wrong, and I know you will ), is what you're saying that I would rather make unhelpful generalizations about LD people than knuckle down and actually work on my R?

There is some truth to this point (if this is your point) in that I spend a lot of energy looking for general things about LD behavior that I think might shine some light on my sitch. And my tendency to focus on my partner and not GAL is definitely a sickness. I formed the habit early in life and it reached fruition in my marriage to my late husband where if I didn't watch him all the time, he could get into real trouble (and did on several occasions-- pneumonia, two heart attacks, fell and broke a hip from an insulin reaction). I'm probably still suffering from PTSD. And then I go and get involved with an alcoholic. <sigh> Sick. But searching for a cure.

It is key to remember that my sitch is quite different from most of the people here. I'm not married to him. Our households and finances are separate. We don't have kids (although he has two that I'm very attached to). We've only been together for three years. Each one of these things is pretty much the opposite of the situations of the others in this community. Another thing that makes me different is my age. In two months, I'll be 57. How much time to I have left? 20-25 years, if all goes well... how many of those will be good years...

In a way, I guess I'm looking for a reason to bail or to stay. This is the root of my sometimes negative tone. I'm not fully committed to this R-- yet. I want to find a reason to be committed, but so far the lack of... well, you know... the stuff I write about... is making me think I don't want to stay in this R forever. My individual "work" with him (and the experiences we had with the two therapists-- I don't know if your lack of experience with them means you don't "believe" in them) doesn't offer me much hope for the kind of R I'm truly looking for. He has made tremendous changes in his life since I met him, but there's not been much change in our physical and affectionate life. So I search these posts and the web and books to find some hope Out There. I'm not seeing much hope In Here.

And even in this community, you seem to be the only LD spouse who was/is willing to consistently step up to the plate year after year. Not everyone is you with your love and tenacity. I work for an organization that serves severely disabled individuals. They look at Christopher Reeve and feel discouraged that they don't have the dedication and commitment that he did. (God rest his soul.) It's like cancer patients who feel bad because they can't be Lance Armstrong. Not all LD spouses are a Mrs. NOP.

The bottom line is that I'm looking for hope. That's where the generalizations come in... it is LIKELY that I will see a change in his behavior? What are the odds? What have others done? What does the research say? What does anyone say?

I find generalizations useful... and we generalize a lot on this board. Our convos about the enneagram are generalizations, so is talk about alcoholism, and affairs ("all affairs are THIS and must be dealt with THIS way"-- BTW this contradicts my own experience with affairs).

I'm struggling, too, just like everyone else. In a way my struggle is easier because I'm not married and commingled financially... but I also have less time to get it right before I run out of time.