I'm glad your vacation went well enough. Yeah, I get the "don't touch me" stuff, too.
There's a book called something like "The Five Love Languages" where he outlines how people accept love generally falls into one of 5 categories - sex being one of them.
There are a lot of marriages where there's very little sex but the higher desire person doesn't seem to mind because that isn't his love language and he's getting his love some other way. I dare say that many on this board receive our love through sex. That's why it means so much to us. WITHOUT IT WE DON'T FEEL LOVED. I think that's why it hurts so much and we/I obsess about it so much.
Masturbating only goes so far. It lacks the touch.
I think that's the "why." But I still haven't figured out how to cope.
"Sex" per se isn't one of the languages, but "physical touch" is.
Here's a description:
Quote: A seasoned marriage counselor says people feel most loved in a marriage in one of five ways: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Though we have a primary love language, we can learn a second language so that our spouse's needs are met. It's all about giving a little here and there, and accepting that our spouse's preferred channel may be different from ours. Though the author's life work is based on Christian principles, his ideas and personal style will resonate with people of all faiths and levels of involvement in organized religion. Whether your marriage needs a tune-up or a major overhaul, these are powerful prescriptions delivered by a genial, wise man.
and
Unhappiness in marriage often has a simple root cause: we speak different love languages, believes Dr. Gary Chapman. While working as a marriage counselor for more than 30 years, he identified five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. In a friendly, often humorous style, he unpacks each one. Some husbands or wives may crave focused attention; another needs regular praise. Gifts are highly important to one spouse, while another sees fixing a leaky faucet, ironing a shirt, or cooking a meal as filling their "love tank." Some partners might find physical touch makes them feel valued: holding hands, giving back rubs, and sexual contact. Chapman illustrates each love language with real-life examples from his counseling practice.
Thanks for the book suggestion! I'll have to pick it up the next time I'm out. Unfortunately, I already recognize my "language" - it's my W who doesn't, and I don't think she'd read the book.
The author is a therapist. I know, big surprise :-) Although I haven't read the whole book there's a chapter there "Loving the Unlovely" where a client is facing a partner who "doesn't get it." Gary, the therepist, suggests to Ann, the client, that she figure out her husband's, Glenn, love language and start speaking to it. It took a leap of faith but she did. After Glenn reacted positively she waited a week then asked Glenn to respond using HER language. Repeat.
In this particular case it took about 2 months for things to improve dramatically. Your milage will almost certainly vary.
I've got a reservation in at the library for The Five Love Languages (must be popular...all 15 copies are out!). Should be available next week.
I've been really making effort to avoid looking at porn on the computer - it's not helpful to our R, she doesn't want it, and I actually notice myself getting less out of it. It would be nice to see a non-digital woman nude again someday...
Have been following the suggestions about alternate activities to help cope with the lack of a SL - working out helps, and the beer prior to bed (had 3 last night!) definitely works, but I don't want that to be any regular or long-term solution! Hope that others in my sitch are finding positive ways to deal with it, as well. It's too easy to fall into self-pity, bitterness, and anger. I have to keep reminding myself that doing that doesn't produce the results I want, and often worsens the sitch.
I am in a situation very similar to yours - but 10 years further down the road. My wife's drive diminsihed a dozen or so years into the marriage and then entirely disappeared 10 years ago. We average "sympathy sex" once or twice per year and really have no touching relationship throughout the year. I believe that the loss of libido was due to the onset of menopause, but who knows.
I believe that Jenoftheisland in her post on "why are we ld/nd" makes the point that there is no real reason why someone is nd - an interesting point of view but there must be reasons why one person is hd and one is nd - probably too complex with too many factors at play for us to understand at this point.
Anyway - you ask
"Besides not ML, does anyone else notice the negative impacts of a SSM? Do you notice yourself being short-tempered, resentful, and distant? Just wondering if I'm encountering "typical" emotional fall-out."
I can only tell you my experience of being in this situation for many years. My experience is only negative as you can expect. I was hoping that I could get to a philisophical place, rise above it and carry on without this part of my life. After all, I am told that having an intimate relationship is only a want, not a requirement to sustain your daily existence. In addition to discussing my feelings with my wife and trying marriage councelling (and yes applying the 5 love languages philosophy), I have tried busying myself with projects, fitness, hobbies etc. In my case, I have not found that I can not get to this "happy" place after 10 plus years of trying. I constantly feel depressed and unhappy by the absence of physical touch. I feel like I want to be alone now, even though I would be considered to be a people person.
The effect is very waring after many years. I now have taken to massage therapy (initially due to a sore back) in order to have some level of touch, even though it is nonsexual. I feel much happier after I have had some touch through this contact. I have often thought about having an affair, but I would feel horribly ashamed if this were to occur. I have also recently thought of having more than just a theapeutic massage in order to make up for the absence of sex life, but this seems ridiculous to me. And of course, what about divorse? These thoughts always are present but I know my wife loves me but just has no drive at all.
So where does that leave me - well as a middle aged and somewhat depressed male, conflicted by what to do and with no roadmap out. My advice - don't be like me, try and be more insistant on expressing your feelings to your wife and in return, don't expect to much from her. I am sure that she does not want to be ND but on the other hand you don't want to suffer the longer term unhappiness of this situation.
Can a person be normal and be LD? I suppose it can seem normal since so many people are. But I think the truth is that if you dig deep enough, there is always somthing causing LD. These problems can stem from physical problems, to emotional problems, to relational problems. If everything in your life is running right, you should have a normal sex drive.
Normal is different for different people. Normal for you might be once a day, while normal for me might be 2 times a week. It all depends on what normal for that particular person is.
Just because there are issues that can contribute to one's LD...doesn't mean they deserve the lable "not normal" or "abnormal". Any of those reasons that you put out there that can contribute to LD are VALID reasons, it has nothing to do with normal/abnormal.
I believe because you continue to view things in generalities and terms like normal that you continue to fight yourself more than you do anything else right now.
There’s a big difference between *once a day-once a week* AND “once a year.* I know we’re not supposed to “label,” but wanting sex only once or twice a year is not “normal” healthy behavior. You might have two people who are happy with twice a year, so there will be no conflict, or you might have someone who has chosen not to engage in sexual behavior for religious or disciplinary reasons, but no one can convince me that it is normal behavior to think about sex or want it only a few times a year. Eating, laughing, crying—these are normal behaviors. It’s not normal or healthy not to eat, not to laugh, not to cry. I know that’s not PC, but that’s the way I feel.
