Looking backward but only to move forward FIVE

[sage]

But I feel like our sitch are so similar, only I am about a year and half behind you and your H!! I was wondering when those thoughts or "anxieties" about H and OW passed. Its been almost 2 years since "the bomb" (in March), but OW has been out of our life since last Sept. The thing that stinks with our situation is that H is friens with OW's family and the ones that he is closet to, dont know about the affair. Sooooooooooo...we find ourselves getting together with OW's sister and her fiance and now being invited to their wedding, which I hear will be a "small" wedding, meaning wont be a lot of other people for us to hang out with...and OW will be there....BLECH! So, because of this, I am feeling very insecure, and its nothing my H is doing, its just a lot of things bring back bad memories and then I seem to "dream up" bad things happening. Is this something you went through and how did you deal with it?

Hi, 2Much...yes, for sure, what you describe (feeling insecure, then dreaming up negative scenarios) is something I went through...heck, it's something I STILL go through at times though, thank goodness and knock wood, the negative feelings and worries are MUCH less prevalent than they used to be.

It feels a little hard to say how I handled it...I think it was a mixture of TIME (out of your control but moving along anyway), really being aggressive with myself using STOP THOSE THOUGHTS techniques, meditating (so I was much more likely to realize when I was leading myself astray), recognizing that an increase in those negative thoughts sometimes indicated I wasn't doing enough for myself AND, relinquishing control for h's fidelity. Wow. That sounds like a lot but most of it is minute, day-to-day stuff that doesn't actually feel overwhelming when you break it into chunks.

The thought stopping stuff is just diligence about breaking a bad habit...not easy when you're in the throes of telling yourself a sordid tale...but necessary if you're going to break away from it.

I have to also say that I purposefully avoided a few situations where it was clear that ow would be around...is it possible for you to not go to this wedding? What would h say to that?

I guess I'll add this...after 3 years the thoughts are still sometimes there...not necessarily about ow (though occasionally I'll think "I wonder if he still hears from her") but sometimes about ffs, etc, that h goes to school with, works with. It's scary sometimes to think "Is it possible that this could happen again?" and then I get wrapped around the axle fairly easily. What WORKS for me is two things -- acting "as if" which amazingly enough eventually helps me to REALLY feel a particular way sometimes AND reminding myself "I can only work on the things that are within my control. Ultimately, h's commitment to fidelity and our m is up to him." OTOH, that's scary stuff but OTOH, it's just fundamentally TRUE and somewhat of a relief. So much of my "negative fantasy" life revolves around my trying to control a situation that is out of my control (except in my HEAD!). Reminding myself to focus on what I can control helps a great deal.

I'm glad to hear that things are going so well with you. Hang in there...

Sage