Well, things at our humble home are a bit stressed right now and we've been struggling a bit with each other. It's scary as heck, actually, because I see a regression of bad behaviors on my part and all the stuff that doesn't work for me...ASSumptions, personalization, etc. I really need to regroup and focus on positives and making the most of the good and shedding the bad.
We've each been in big time stress mode...h has had an overwhelming amount of work and school stuff to do and for the most part, he's done amazingly well handling it without letting it spill over negatively into our lives (unlike me when I'm stressed and I get all tense and irked). What it has impacted, though, is that he's been (IMHO) less likely to do stuff around the house or come up with a plan for us etc. That has unfortunately coincided with....
a very stressful and tiring time for me. I've traveled just the smallest amount for work and it wipes me out and I'm still not feeling quite adept at the new job. I also have some other major stuff going on (more on that in a later post) that's very positive but also very stressful that's weighing on my mind and making me grumpy at times and overwhelmed in a million different ways. So, I've been trying to do a lot of stuff for h to ease his load but then feeling resentful when I have to do "just one more thing". Add to it that I've been feeling someone neglected in the romance/pi department and you've got a whopper of an attitude.
Case in point last night...I stopped by the grocery store on the way home (willingly, I offered to do it but then resented that h had been home for FOUR hours and could have gone...) It was only a 15 minute errand but I got home irked. Then the first thing I did was ask him if he had fed the cats, which he hadn't, which just put me over the top...I calmly said "maybe we could share that responsibility" to my deer-in-headlights husband and then said (stomping away) "I'm going to relax...are you coming" (a real appealing offer I'm sure). Within 15 minutes he told me that he was bummed and irked by my approach (who could blame him) which I countered with "Lately I feel like I'm doing way more than my share". He took the silent route, I took the teary one. BLECH.
BUT, oh my, DB'ing and 2.5 years of hard work has helped us so much....I went down to make some food for dinner and h came down and said "let me make you a delicious sandwich" which he proceeded to do. He returned back to his homework (due this AM at 9) after apologizing and telling me how much he loves me and listening to my apology and blubbering and "I feel so badly that I put that additional pressure on you". We were both tripping over each other to address the other persons concerns.
What a trooper h is.
So...for the first time in a long time I was thinking "goals" last night...the simple truth is that we're still doing so many things that work...we spend time together which is a big key for us, despite the above tirade, I DO cut him major slack (and he, me), I listen so much better, make more time, etc. I just need to get back to where I'm not irked by stuff he doesn't even know about...
1. Focus on creating some physical intimacy/romance in a way that is lowkey and non-pressuring but still fills the need. Take a few minutes each day to relax together, create more opportunities for physical interaction (offer him a massage, etc)
2. Get a handle on my "I'm so overburdened" resentment. Get much more clear on what I can do and what I can't. If I agree or offer to do something, I need to do it without resentment or anger. But, consider that maybe I need to offer to do less and ask h to do more. Remember that this area was a KEY factor in making the M go into the crapper. Be more organized in the work I am doing around the house. Take time each day. Cut myself some slack. Look for small ways to make things look better so I feel better.
3. Continuing focusing on h's needs. I've been doing a good job with this I think but maybe go out of my way to do one or two extra things a week to show him I'm really thinking of him. They don't have to be grand gestures...he's remarkably easy to please.
4. Focus on my needs. I think I need a massage or a manicure/pedicure. $ has been tight since I took the new job but I definitely need some regular breaks...look for a way to do this cheaply. Also, take some time for myself. it's a wonderful way to lessen feeling overburdened if I give myself the OK to sit and read with a cup of coffee for a bit.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
