Things are going well but are still very hectic. Work is great. I'm learning so much and they have told me that they are very pleased with my work! Tuesday I give a presentation (45 mins!!!) to the board of directors -- um, yah, OK!!!
I'm still just barely lurking for a short period of time in the morning. I'm thinking that when h goes back to school next month I may have more cycles.
Sometimes I drive myself nuts and get really depressed thinking "Nothing has changed about US in terms of personality so even though things are really good we're just going to end up repeating the same stuff again sometime" -- it's not a frequent occurrence but I can get really down about it...thinking "I've hardly changed AT ALL, etc, why will things ultimately be different" blah blah blah.
Well, this week (Thursday) I had the chance to see just how much things have changed. I was tired and got home late from work. I had also had an acupuncture appointment after work so I was hungry and emotional. As I drove up to the house I noticed all the windows open (normal) but since the painters were coming the next day I knew we had to shut them by morning. I swear I wasn't in the house 10 seconds before I said "so we have to close the windows by tomorrow?" "Yes" says h. "Um, did you close any of them?". "No" he says and I get internally irked. Start thinking "why does he leave everything to me?" etc. Now, let me tell you that h was completely right (it's hot as hades here of late and shutting the windows at night would have been asinine) AND the next morning he did them ALL but that didn't stop my internal melodrama.
BUT, it didn't stop there. H told me that he had called the cable company to reduce our service (we had talked about that since I took the new job). Then he said that we couldn't get HBO as an add on so we'd have to go without. Now, there are two shows I watch EVER and they are both on HBO so I get sulky. I mean really sulky. And I don't just get irked I start thinking "how could he do this to me? doesn't he know me at all?" Before long I have personalized this to the point where I'm wondering how I could have even married him. Mind you, this is all being telegraphed all over my face.
So, h gets up, calls the cable company (at 9pm at night), straightens the whole thing out and does it without one negative emotion.
And the whole time I'm realizing that that oh, I don't know, "sage as prima donna princess" attitude is exactly what HAS changed...see, that's how (I swear) I used to react to every darned thing that didn't go my way and was my normal mood if I was the least bit irked or sad or hot or hungry or whatever.
I know I must sound lame as heck but it was amazing for me to FEEL that way again and realize that I used to feel that way ALL THE TIME and treat h that way, too. And now? Well, now, it only rears its head once or twice a year instead of every other day.
Things HAVE changed. A LOT. Thank goodness!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
