"Going Dark" - 101

[Jamesjohn]

jj u said you went dark and then your W found OM.

Yep, you're right. This first time I went dark and my wife found OM was pretty much during my "pre-DB'ing" days. I had no idea what going dark was, and was pretty much just waiting for my wife to change. I wasn't really looking at any of my contributions to the failure of the relationship, and wasn't doing much to make any changes on my part. Every time we had contact or got together, I was doing the same old things that I'd always done, which didn't work. She saw the same old guy in me, saw me dealing with things in the same old way, therefore, she had no reason to miss me, and no reason to think things could ever work out between us.

The second time I went dark, however, was a different story. It was just after I found out about the OM, and it was at a time when I REALLY started to pay heed to what I was learning here. In fact, it was at the time I was in my first KLA group here. During this period of darkness, I did something different. I really started to take a closer look at things that I could do to change the dynamics of the relationship, instead of counting on her to make the changes. I didn't really change "me" that much, just took the time to figure out what different things I could do to draw her back to me. Things that weren't the same old same old way of doing things that didn't work.

I took charge of changing the dynamics of the relationship, she noticed the difference, and she started to make some changes, too. Things just grew from there. So, this was the part where it was "successful".

"Darkness" shouldn't be an idle time. It's a time for you to regroup, and start to change some of your relationship habits. Time to quit letting your emotions and feelings dictate what you do, and come up with a solid plan of action. Time to figure out what you can do to help to make them see you in a different light whenever you do have any contact with them. Time to give them some space, and let them go through some of their growing pains, too. A time to help yourself find some more empathy towards what they are going through, too.

Hope this helps explain it a bit more for you!