(((((HP)))))) I hate that feeling that they are doing it just to cheer you up. I got that today too after mentioning that I felt like my welcome home was less than lukewarm. Anyway, I am thinking this time it is my turn to grow. Unfortunately, I have been given no roadmap. Seems the LD's at least have that, but perhaps that is only my perception because it is what I want.
Anyway, I still envy your progress and I think you will pull yourself out of the funk. Remember what I said before about going through periods of disillusionment? As you get better with the communication (whch you have), I think you'll find those periods will get shorter.
--your friend GGB. (why is it we as a group here seem to hit ups and downs more or less in unison?)
I think we go on and on with the words because we're hoping that something we say, or the way we say it, will somehow magically resonate and they'll get it. It's just one of those cheeseless tunnels MWD talks about. I have pretty good arguing skills ( my father was a lawyer and I have some of that feistiness) but it just doesn't work on H. He just withdraws more.
I have another " me too" for you--- when I started feeling sexual again a few yrs ago, I thought my H would be thrilled; after all these yrs I unlocked the mystery of my vanishing sex drive and I really felt like riding a bike again ( so to speak) and H just wasn't interested. Here I am, pushing to help him( and myself) get past all the relationship damage, and he is withholding. We get past that, but still something has changed, and it's permanent...we just can't go back again.
I think it's good for you to take a break, take some time for yourself, and decide not to engage in this push-pull dynamic. It takes some time to resolve yourself to a new reality( which will include new happiness)...and I am so sorry for the loss. I am there with ya.
Hope D3 recovers soon....huggs to that little one!
It sounds like Mr.HP has a case of I-don't-want-it-unless-I-can't-have-ititis. Imagine saying to Mr.HP, "I'm turned on when you walk away from me or when you stop caring". Such an admission almost gurantees that your partner will begin to treat you badly to get a sexual response from you.
This may not be as grim as you think. Your H has desire for you in the manner in which you would like it, his timing is just off. What if Mr.HP were willing to draw on his existent desire and reconfigure it into a timeframe that is more acceptable for both of you?
It looks like it's back to the drawing board re: your medical condition. I pray it is resolved soon.
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
I've said it before and I'll say it again: the one thing we all have in common on this board, regardless of the HD or LD label, is we are all FIXERS, first and foremost, in my mind. We will ALL slog through the deepest sh!t on the planet to save or fix our marriages.
Eventually, as you have come to realize, one person cannot fix the marriage. It is impossible to have a relationship by yourself -- whether that is a sexual relationship, an emotional relationship... whatever. One person cannot do it alone. Everybody here seems to THINK we can pull it off on our own... after all, we do it in almost all other areas of our lives, right? I'll bet almost every single person on this board is the 'go to' person at work... the one who takes the projects no one else will, the one who will volunteer to stay an extra hour later to help out, the one who says, "no you go rest, I'll finish up here."
I think part of the saddness you are feeling is that 'oh my god' realization that you in fact cannot fix it. You may also be realizing all this sh!t you've been slogging through truly, truly isn't about you. Finally. You are not to blame. You aren't broken, disfunctional, over-sexed, under-sexed, or even crazy.
There's just only so much one person can do, and you've made the Herculean effort to do it for the both of you.... because somewhere, in the back of your mind, you may have realized that if you didn't do it for the both of you, it wasn't going to get done. We fixers tend to be a bit dense and stubborn on this point. After all, if I can't fix it, what must that say about ME for gosh sakes?
You've now exhausted yourself to the point that even you can acknowledge... "I can't fix this by myself, and I can't have an emotional/sexual/whateverkind of relationship by myself."
Don't be afraid to let your spouse see that you have GIVEN UP on them. You don't have to be angry or spiteful or resentful. You can stay or get out, whatever, your choice. But it is NOT a crime to no longer be willing to carry the load yourself.
Once you drop your end, they will try their darndest to get you to pick it back up again... after all, you are so GOOD at carrying the relationship... you take care of things, you are the CARETAKER of the DECADE for cripesakes...
Don't pick it up. Don't do it. Give the spouse whatever modicum of respect you'd give to any other human being, and get on with the business of living your life and making it as happy as you can within your OWN moral framework.
One of the things I have learned very well is that if you turn yourself inside out becoming the person who holds it all together, who becomes the fixer, the person who never says die... the world, your spouse, loses their respect for you, because you will take whatever they dish out, no matter what. There are no lines, there are no boundaries... we will flog ourselves to the end because we will not give up, ever.
Sometimes the very best thing you can do for yourself and someone else, is give up. Doesn't mean you move out, or move on... you just give up. Give yourself a break. Become happy again. Gain some perspective. Look at the situation with a whole new set of eyes.
Then it doesn't really matter what your spouse does. You'll know whatever it is you need to do for you, and that's all that matters.
Me too - my H is the same- lukewarm at times when I know that other men would be jumping at the opportunity. And though it would be nice to have an HD, they sometimes are enthusiastic about EVERYBODY - not just the one they're with. MrH sounds like he is devoted to you. If he is, then this can be fixed. I wish I could tell you the magic solution. In the meantime, hugs to you.
Hang in there. Do something for yourself - go out with friends, get your nails done, get a new haircut. Pamper yourself for a little bit. It sounds like you run around with the kids all the time and never do anything for you. Forget your troubles for a little while - you deserve it.
I'm still waiting to hear what a doctor with a full waiting room has to say...
Michele talks about maintaining the equilibrium in the R. If one person is doing all the [trying, worrying, whatever], then the other person doesn't have to. If the proactive person backs off, then the other person has room to step up to the plate. The hard part is being willing to let the ball drop.
Not sure that was very coherrent. I've used up all my brain cells trying to update my resume. It's for a good cause, but it's still about my least favorite thing to do.
I'm sorry I haven't been on your thread lately, and I went on today to try to catch up with what was going on in the Pot household, and I find you've gone "Chocolateeyes" on me.
It really sucks when you're the one who has to do all of the R heavy lifting, doesn't it. I feel your hurt, and offer you e-hugs and e-chocolate.
I do suspect that us HDs sometimes smother what little sexual flame is there in our LD spouse. I KNOW I have done that with my wife, and it's contributed to my sexless marriage. Whether we are unhappy or even HAPPY, we come on too strong, and freak them out... spook 'em.
"I Just Don't Care Anymore", daily, is a pretty good place. The grass isn't quite as green, the sun not quite as warm, and the birds don't sound quite as beautiful. But there are very sad, very lonely days if you choose to stay here.
"Working at It Constantly" is a much better place on the GOOD days, but there are so many days that are just horrendous and painful.
Corri is so right... we are the "Fixers," and I suspect that you will wander back and forth between the two Places. Whichever place you choose, you have friends here who will listen and offer you our encouragement.
Chocolateeyes
----------------------------
Artist: R.E.M.
Song: Everybody Hurts
(Berry/Buck/Mills/Stipe)
When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes
Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on
'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone
If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on
Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone
So sorry about your little one. And that takes so long to heal. They did not brace it to stop movement of it? That will be so painful for her. Gosh I feel so sorry for her.
Have you had any treatments for you pain. I am assuming her you have a form of endrometriosis and possibly dysmenorreha. There is a process called thermal ablation that helps greatly for this of course the down side is it thins your uterus and future pregnancy is high risk.But if you are done having kids it is a great procedure to have done. There is also a process where they freeze your inside. Forget what it is called but it is a temp fix. And no real long term side effects.Also I had my cervical nerves burnt off this was great took about two to two and a half years for them to fuse back together. Very little pain over the course of the first two years and that was great. Also there is Naproxen sodium. Can now be bought over the counter. It has a inflamation medicine in it is found in several advil type meds but the true form of it works best and you can find it at Walmarts and such. My doc gave me a prescription for this for years prior to it coming on to the market. It works pretty good at reducing the pain. Exspecially around the time of your monthly if you start taking it about 5 days before. Has your doctor spoke to you about any of these options?
I am so sorry you are suffering all the way around. And I hope you have a good day. I know it will be so hard with little one hurting so bad.
Re: HP Perhaps he will regain his spark, now that I don't care anymore, but oh yeah, I don't care anymore! Sounds like a tough place to be in for the timebeing.
HP. I get into this mental state something like this too. When I look back a week or two later what I see is BB does not feel the spark as you put it and I think the biggest thing is me just running out of steam because I am the main Relationship Caretaker.
It just takes more energy to keep all of those R plates spinning on a stick than I have energy for sometimes. Plate Spinning
HP I admire the work and effort you put into your M and family. Maybe your should give your H one of those coupon books Chrissy suggested to another poster.
For now be good to yourself in small ways when you can. Your cyber friends are here for you. I wish I could help more but you know how it goes, we all seem to be stuck on the other side of the computer screen and few seem to know how meet in-person.
