I've said it before and I'll say it again: the one thing we all have in common on this board, regardless of the HD or LD label, is we are all FIXERS, first and foremost, in my mind. We will ALL slog through the deepest sh!t on the planet to save or fix our marriages.
Eventually, as you have come to realize, one person cannot fix the marriage. It is impossible to have a relationship by yourself -- whether that is a sexual relationship, an emotional relationship... whatever. One person cannot do it alone. Everybody here seems to THINK we can pull it off on our own... after all, we do it in almost all other areas of our lives, right? I'll bet almost every single person on this board is the 'go to' person at work... the one who takes the projects no one else will, the one who will volunteer to stay an extra hour later to help out, the one who says, "no you go rest, I'll finish up here."
I think part of the saddness you are feeling is that 'oh my god' realization that you in fact cannot fix it. You may also be realizing all this sh!t you've been slogging through truly, truly isn't about you. Finally. You are not to blame. You aren't broken, disfunctional, over-sexed, under-sexed, or even crazy.
There's just only so much one person can do, and you've made the Herculean effort to do it for the both of you.... because somewhere, in the back of your mind, you may have realized that if you didn't do it for the both of you, it wasn't going to get done. We fixers tend to be a bit dense and stubborn on this point. After all, if I can't fix it, what must that say about ME for gosh sakes?
You've now exhausted yourself to the point that even you can acknowledge... "I can't fix this by myself, and I can't have an emotional/sexual/whateverkind of relationship by myself."
Don't be afraid to let your spouse see that you have GIVEN UP on them. You don't have to be angry or spiteful or resentful. You can stay or get out, whatever, your choice. But it is NOT a crime to no longer be willing to carry the load yourself.
Once you drop your end, they will try their darndest to get you to pick it back up again... after all, you are so GOOD at carrying the relationship... you take care of things, you are the CARETAKER of the DECADE for cripesakes...
Don't pick it up. Don't do it. Give the spouse whatever modicum of respect you'd give to any other human being, and get on with the business of living your life and making it as happy as you can within your OWN moral framework.
One of the things I have learned very well is that if you turn yourself inside out becoming the person who holds it all together, who becomes the fixer, the person who never says die... the world, your spouse, loses their respect for you, because you will take whatever they dish out, no matter what. There are no lines, there are no boundaries... we will flog ourselves to the end because we will not give up, ever.
Sometimes the very best thing you can do for yourself and someone else, is give up. Doesn't mean you move out, or move on... you just give up. Give yourself a break. Become happy again. Gain some perspective. Look at the situation with a whole new set of eyes.
Then it doesn't really matter what your spouse does. You'll know whatever it is you need to do for you, and that's all that matters.
