Firstly, my D3 broke her collarbone, so my spirits are down anyway, seeing my baby in pain and dealing with her incessant crying. (nothing they can do for it.)
Secondly, this particular funk I'm in has a definite origin. As many of my longtime posters will remember, I have had pelvic pain for 9 months now. Shallow, soft sex is the only thing I can tolerate. Well, 3 weeks ago I got an unexpected reprieve from the pain--it just vanished. I felt great, was on top of the world and eager to reconnect with H. I had a sneaking suspicion that it was just a fluke..hormonally related...and that the pain would come roaring back eventually. "H", I said, "let's enjoy it while it lasts."
You can look back through my threads and see that my newfound insistence on getting the frequency up was around this time. I was so excited to be whole again! I didn't want to mention the health crud cause I am beginning to feel like an old lady in a home, talking about her aches and pains.
Anyway, H was glad that I felt better but the frequency never increased. There was not a week in which we really went to town and celebrated. It was a letdown for me. He wasn't really all that excited. He was happy that I felt better but not sexually aroused at the thought of being able to ML properly.
Then last week the pain came back. Along with it is some sadness and resentment. Mostly, though, is a feeling of complete futility. I am trying to wring water from a stone. Whether it's hormonal or mental really doesn't matter. He doesn't want to be sexual with me, and me pushing and pushing him is doing nothing but eliminate the small amount of desire that he DOES feel for me. I must stop.
I told him a little of this last night. He hates it when I withdraw so he was pulling out all the stops--groping me, complimenting me, asking to ML, etc. I really didn't care.
At one point I apologized for pushing him and for ruining the fair amount of progress we had made since starting this. He replied, MrHP: Well, you were pushing me to act a certain way and I...and I.... HP: Won't. MrHP: Wouldn't. Right. I am not that way. HP: And you don't want to be that way.
That was the end of that. The old HP who would have kept talking about it is GONE. I just don't care anymore. He has no real sexual enthusiasm for me and I suppose it doesn't matter if the lack is original to him, or if I drilled it out of him, but it's gone.
The more he groped me, hung on me, etc last night the more I felt myself getting disgusted and sad. I'm not playing this game anymore! If it takes him seeing me like this to get him interested in being sexual, then I am not interested in putting any additional energy into this R.
