The funny thing is that I felt myself being drawn back in and then he had to go and drag out those pictures! I keep replaying them in my mind..thinking too much, is what it is. The last thing I want to do is think about the time in my life when he DID want me. Man, GGB, it was evident on his face. You would look at him and think, now there's a guy getting laid every night. LOL
just want peace and happiness and contentment. I have a good life (including occasional sex) and wonderful kids and a devoted husband.
Gosh this sounds so good to me. Maybe just a little time smelling and appreciating the roses that are in bloom will allow those late bloomers to open up.
The thing is there are way too many reminders of how it once was, KWIM? Need to somehow erase any memory of how it was before to accept less now.
Sorry, I'm in a funk today too. I missed her the whole time I was gone. When I called Friday night, I obviously interupted her TV show, she stayed on the phone, but barely acknowledged anything I said. After a bit, I told her I'd let her get back to her show and hung up. Then I got home as fast as I could...couldn't wait to see her and she doesn't even get up from her sewing when I came in. No cuddling last night or this morning, last night it was 'too hot', and this morning too many other things to do.
HP, the last time I checked in on you, I thought things were going so well. Is it possible that you've gotten yourself into the mindset that things are a certain way. So much so that you can't see all the positives?
I see a man looking back on pleasant memories, happy with how his life is. How many men out there can say they are HAPPY with their wives and families. Most of the guys here would DIE to have a wife like you. Even having sex just once each week and they would be in heaven.
I know a guy who swears that it's been 8 YEARS since he and his wife had sex. Can you imagine HP? All it will take is seeing that little spark and things will all turn around. Blame it on the stars and their misallignment if you want. I have been having a pity party here and am totally missing all of the positives. Take a breath and let up on the pressure a bit. He sounds like a wonderful, loyal, spiritual guy. They don't make 'em like that anymore.
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
Honey... I had an experience like that not too long ago. My parents found a tape of my college graduation and put it on. It was so hard to watch...I was so full of warmth and effusiveness and just watching H and I interact...well it was overwhelmingly sad. I remember JJ posting about watching her wedding video with her H and had more of a sentimental, weren't we young and naive, reaction. Mine was more like shock: I had forgotten how happy I was. It took a few days to shake the down feeling.
Now, you have been with me from the get-go on this board and we have both made a lot of progress, but as I have said on my newest thread, I can get so enthusiastic and willful that I think I can bring us back to taste our past. I accept where I am in life but have captured a childlike optimism which personally, I feel is a good thing. But there is something about my H, something in his manner ( I can't really put it into words) that has shown me he has moved on, and it's a losing battle to try to get this piece of his spirit back.
I love him and will move on with him and try to keep what I can going. We're just setting sail to a new and different place, that's all.
I can't believe how many "me too"s you got on that one. Now you can add me to the list. You seem to be much better with words than I am, but the place you're in now is very similar to where I was when I changed my name.
I'm contented, but at the same time, not contented. I'm tired of pushing. W never really had the spark you speak of, and my R fatigue has damped mine a bit as well. There’s been a lot accomplished and I’m proud of that, but it’s feeling like the curve has flattened out and there won’t be a lot more progress. I’m happy that things are better but there’s an undercurrent of sadness that we’ll probably never have the kind of R that I really want. And that undercurrent of sadness seems to be pretty strong right now.
After more work than I care to think about right now, we got to a point where we’ve ML an average of once a week for more than a year. But the R fatigue has sapped my will to keep pushing. And as I’ve stopped pushing, the frequency has dropped proportionally. W did actually initiate on Sunday, but it was after more than three weeks of nothing. And to make things worse, I couldn’t get it up. Then W actually made comments about me not being interested and not liking her anymore. What a downer.
So right now I’m just trying to concentrate on appreciating what I have. I’m sure I’ll get inspired again and head back to the mines, but for now – I just don’t have it in me.
As someone who hasn't seen a spark in a long time, I sympathize with you.
Let him bring the heat for once. I don't think it's bad to withdraw. You need to take care of yourself for a change, and not always be in that relationship driver seat. It's funny that you mentioned Corri, because that was who I was thinking about when I read your message.
Hugs to you, sweet lady, from across the State. (Will this heat ever end?) Things will get better...won't they?
Couldn't we all just go off to a waterpark or something? How about a hot fudge sundae? Maybe tubing on a river? Sooner or later the weather will change. Maybe that will help?
Remember the Dylan song about when my ship comes in? When my ship comes in it will be loaded with......You fill in the blanks. It's better for you that way.
It takes blood, sweat, and tears to get through this life. I guess there are a lot of people masquarading out there that life is good and feeling that the only way to get through this is to keep on that happy face. Frozen smiles. Don't believe it. They're all just like you and me. Frozen smiles sell Nissans and Toyotas and Chevys. They don't help people make it through the hard times. I'm just rambling now, but the point is I hear you and I feel you and it is a tough place to be at for very long, oh, so very long.
Think waterpark. Think doughnuts. Think chocolates. Think desert island, but he/she WANTS to be there with you!
Take a long shower. Fix your hair. Shave. Make a nice breakfast. Pet your dog. Feed your cat. Put your face on. Skip the newspaper, nothing happened yesterday that you need to know about today. OK. I'm done.
IHJ, I liked your description of acceptance as setting sail for a new place. It has a ring of adventure to it. Youthful happiness is only youthful happiness because life hasn't happened yet. It is easy to be happy when the bumps and bruises that life inevitably bring haven't happened yet. It is easy to beatifically smile into the future when all it holds is happily ever after.
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
Firstly, my D3 broke her collarbone, so my spirits are down anyway, seeing my baby in pain and dealing with her incessant crying. (nothing they can do for it.)
Secondly, this particular funk I'm in has a definite origin. As many of my longtime posters will remember, I have had pelvic pain for 9 months now. Shallow, soft sex is the only thing I can tolerate. Well, 3 weeks ago I got an unexpected reprieve from the pain--it just vanished. I felt great, was on top of the world and eager to reconnect with H. I had a sneaking suspicion that it was just a fluke..hormonally related...and that the pain would come roaring back eventually. "H", I said, "let's enjoy it while it lasts."
You can look back through my threads and see that my newfound insistence on getting the frequency up was around this time. I was so excited to be whole again! I didn't want to mention the health crud cause I am beginning to feel like an old lady in a home, talking about her aches and pains.
Anyway, H was glad that I felt better but the frequency never increased. There was not a week in which we really went to town and celebrated. It was a letdown for me. He wasn't really all that excited. He was happy that I felt better but not sexually aroused at the thought of being able to ML properly.
Then last week the pain came back. Along with it is some sadness and resentment. Mostly, though, is a feeling of complete futility. I am trying to wring water from a stone. Whether it's hormonal or mental really doesn't matter. He doesn't want to be sexual with me, and me pushing and pushing him is doing nothing but eliminate the small amount of desire that he DOES feel for me. I must stop.
I told him a little of this last night. He hates it when I withdraw so he was pulling out all the stops--groping me, complimenting me, asking to ML, etc. I really didn't care.
At one point I apologized for pushing him and for ruining the fair amount of progress we had made since starting this. He replied, MrHP: Well, you were pushing me to act a certain way and I...and I.... HP: Won't. MrHP: Wouldn't. Right. I am not that way. HP: And you don't want to be that way.
That was the end of that. The old HP who would have kept talking about it is GONE. I just don't care anymore. He has no real sexual enthusiasm for me and I suppose it doesn't matter if the lack is original to him, or if I drilled it out of him, but it's gone.
The more he groped me, hung on me, etc last night the more I felt myself getting disgusted and sad. I'm not playing this game anymore! If it takes him seeing me like this to get him interested in being sexual, then I am not interested in putting any additional energy into this R.
