I am at a weird space, pulling back from H, just completely out of steam. I am physically horny, when he's not around, but lose my mojo as soon as I see him.
I am simply tired. That's it in a nutshell.
I cannot believe I've spent the last 3 years trying to get a spark back in my marriage.
In so many ways, I feel that I am to blame. Which is going to sound strange, but it's true. I think that I have just pushed him too far. I had one too many sex discussions and he checked out on me. I think if I had handled this differently, from day one, that I would not be sitting here typing to anonymous but good friends. I was angry and resentful and wanted to not only resurrect my sex life, but punish him in the process. This drove him away and he withholds what he knows I want, just cause I want it. This is NOT a bash on MrH, hell we all do this. It is human nature when someone is pushing pushing pushing you to do something--to resist.
We are getting along fabulously but the sexual spark aint there.
He even got out our honeymoon pictures and some love letters I wrote him to "reminisce". (I guess he's feeling desperate I don't know) I didn't even want to look at them. I tried not to let the disgust show--and I pulled it off, thankyouverymuch--but all I could think about when viewing them was "There was a girl in love, confident, happy with the world and herself."
He had taken pictures of me in various forms of undress and I REALLY couldn't look at those.
I am not giving up entirely, I am just in a bad place, I suppose. I am really tired of policing this whole business. I think it's finally sinking in that I can't make him desire me, or show me what desire he does possess. Duh! I feel content but there is a hole, for sure.
I'm sure we'll reconnect soon, but I feel myself distancing from the Relationship Caretaker position that I've held for, well, for as long as we've been married! I remember when Corri went through this and there was precious little we could say to her except, Aw Corri you've done so much work...don't stop now!
I want to reiterate that we are not fighting, or anything of the sort. I have just pulled back. He has not attempted to meet my needs or to give any weight to my requests, so what else could I do. To continue to stick my neck out and hope that he will would only result in tons of resentment and anger. So I am distancing myself.
We leave on vacation for two weeks on Friday. I'm sure the time away will do us good.
I hope this message doesn't come across as a total downer..that is not where I'm at, mentally. We are excited about our vacation and enjoying our lives together but there is no spark and there is no longer any true or meaningful hope (on my end) that we will be able to pull it off.
Our relationship is so much better than it was. I feel so good for what we have been able to accomplish. I think I just pushed too damn hard on the sex stuff and I have extinguished whatever spark that was there. Perhaps he will regain his spark, now that I don't care anymore, but oh yeah, I don't care anymore! I just want peace and happiness and contentment. I have a good life (including occasional sex) and wonderful kids and a devoted husband.
