My Aunt, who is around 81, told my cousin, that the reason that H and I are having problems is because I never feed him breakfast. If that's all it took, I'd be makin bacon and eggs everyday. She's woefully misinformed. I think "The Care and Feeding of Husbands" is more about feeding his emotional needs, honoring him, making him feel valued, etc. Let us know what you think,
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
Here is an interesting convo I had while on a playdate Wednesday with 3 of my sisters and a cousin. One of the gals was griping because her husband wants her to fix his lunch every day. She was incredulous that he'd ask for this. The conversation went round and round and finally I piped up and said, If this is all he asks for, what's the big deal? Make his lunch..how hard can it be?
Stunned silence.
More grousing about what a turkey he was for asking for this and I again said, You know...it IS pretty crazy that he'd make such an issue of it...I mean, Husband meet Mayo, Bread and Lunchmeat, right. But really why not try making his lunches for a couple weeks and see what happens? So he's being a baby, big deal. Sometimes we do things for the other person that we personally find ludicrous but it makes them happy so we do it.
Stunned silence again.
I looked around the table and half yelled, Am I the only person who thinks this way??
After a few grumblings about "oh I guess it will be just like our sex life, then.." the convo died.
I found it curious that these modern-day women fully expect their husband to bring them flowers from time to time, and buy them sappy cards for their anniversary, etc, all things that dudes could give a rip less about, but GASP the thought of doing something for their H's that they don't feel is technically in their job description is out of the question.
I used to think this way, myself.
However, Mel, I hope you realize this is NOT directed at you. I agree 100% that fixing your H breakfast would not have prevented his decision to fritter away the last two years. I just found it incredible that these women (who are all the LD partners in their marriages, incidentally) expect so much from their mates and give back so little. And yet the testosterone pulls the guys back to them, again and again. Amazing. That is so not my experience. Some days I feel very much as if I have to "buy" my H's affection and devotion with my other qualities cause I have no sexual leverage whatsoever.
Yeah, HP. My W would have stared back at you, too. She likely would have thought how unenlightened you were, and that, as a woman, you were not a credit to the gender.
Of course, I'd ask her to make my lunch about when pigs would fly. Not just because she'd look at me like I had some sort of mental disorder, but because, as everyone knows here, Hairdog is a better cook than his W.
Hairdog, who, like HP, sometimes feels like he ended up in an alternate universe.
Well, HD, these are not feminist type people. I am MUCH more a feminist than all of them put together. They are very much the old fashioned He better buy me roses and a big rock for my finger and hold the door and, in short, treat me like a princess and in return I might sleep with him, it depends on how the kids are doing. LOL
Honestly, it's not about feminist or masculinist (I just made that up, though no doubt some idiot has already coined it) or even enlightenment. It's about a person asking you for something and you do it out of love. Even if ya think it's stupid, you just do it.
It took me a loooong time to come to this conclusion and boy does my life run smoother now. I used to think that he should kiss my arse and be happy for the opportunity, but now I really don't think that. Plus, I've totally lost my leverage as I above noted.
I guess the reason I think it's funny is because I was always offering to fix him breakfast, he's just not a breakfast person. Our big deal was that he wanted supper on the table when he walked in the door at night. That I did. And it was always a home cooked, well balanced meal. Even when we were dieting, I made sure it was a yummy, filling meal.
So, for my aunt to say that it was because I didn't make him breakfast was funny to me. My girlfriends would look at me like I had a third eye when I would say that frozen pizza was not an evening meal. Cold sandwiches and soup? nope. It was always fresh, home cooked, well thought out meal. Since he's been gone, the girls could care less and mac and cheese, hot dogs and frozen pizzas are par for the course. Funny huh?
My Auntie would have died if she knew it was because I wasn't putting out enough. He he he. I think I just have a big hang up about sex being naughty, and married women with children are not supposed to be naughty. Maybe our sex life would be better if we were divorced and forced to have clandestine meetings and sex in the bed of the pickup truck. Gee, that sounds like fun.
I am so going crazy these days. It's going on a year and if you want to appreciate something, give it up for a while and see what happens. I'm thinking of changing my name to Melhorny...maybe that's a bit much. Just Mel.
Later
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
Melhorny.......hahahahahahaha. Oh that is so funny.
You know, I was talking to H the other night and he mentioned that no matter what, he would never MB again. I said, H what if I die and you don't remarry for, like, a year? He said, I'd be okay.
Isn't he arrogant?!! His tone was "I don't care, I'm not doing it and besides only weak people do that, anyway". lol
I just shook my head and wished there was a way to wish this on him without it meaning my death and separation from my children!
There was a time in our marriage when he was horny to beat the band and would get MAD at me if I wouldn't have sex with him. (brief period of LDness on my part, long story) We joke about that time now but it seems so foreign and long ago that I can't remember what it feels like to have a man horny for me and want me.
So in that respect, my sister, we are in the same boat! Though your husband no doubt wants you, he just is currently occupied with trying to extract his head out of his ass.
I've often wondered how to go about re-masculating H. If you ever figure it out let me know. I do suspect that when the H is the LD having the W point out that she isn't sexually satisfied is an ego-damaging experience that it is't if the the LD person is a woman. Go ahead folks - flame away but I think that due to societal expectations the impact is not the same. Likewise, when the W is the HD we often feel like a "b@ll buster" or a "slut." Anyways HP, you could always try to really hokey stuff like in "Light His Fire" by Ellen Kreidman where you call him "tarzan" and stuff.
Karen
I once bought the H a subscription to a "gentleman's magazine" (the one with the bunnies) to get his mindset in the rigght direction. He cancelled it after 2 years - I think he was bored with it (?!) It worked for a little while...
Quote: You know, I was talking to H the other night and he mentioned that no matter what, he would never MB again.
Why would he WANT to stop MBing? What is the problem with that? I would freakin explode if I did that. 99% of my sex is this way (and it sucks). I think it is a weakness with people if the DON'T MB. Why, because this means they are out of touch with there own bodies, and this is not a good thing.
