Lots of stuff going on here. Some good, some really good, some neutral.

First the good. For the last week or so, MrHP has been really good about initiating, even if he's not feeling particularly horny. I recognize this as an act of love. I appreciate it. I feel heard and validated.

Now, the neutral. All of our sexual encounters of late have been of the "just doing it" variety. I cannot remember the last time he STARTED OUT horny for me, instead of thinking, Gee I'd better have sex with her tonight...
The end result is the same--we enjoy each other. But the afterglow and the dayafterglow is lessened considerably, knowing that I basically talked him into it, or worse, threatened him into it with the idea of my disappointment spurring him on to do something to avoid that.

Now the really good.
I finally broke down and told him one night that there are days when I am SO down because I feel ineffective as a woman. I simply do not turn his crank anymore. His desire for me is more "love" based. As a woman, this kills me. It wasn't that long ago when he was all over me--back when he thought he was losing me and then "regained" me.
We were talking and he said, Oh so I guess you want me to be all teenager-ish and goofy over ya.
HP: (sofly) What you did back then never felt goofy to me. It seemed very genuine.
MrHP: No no...it was genuine. I did feel that way. I guess you're right. My desire for you has changed.
HP: Yes I know it has. I just needed to hear you say it, so that I don't feel like I'm "imagining" things.
MrHP: I DO desire you, though.
HP: Yes I know you do, but I need to see signs of it--not just have blind faith that it's there.
MrHP: Like what?
HP: Grabs, touches...things that let me know that you're thinking about it.
MrHP: Well, I grab your ass every single day--isn't that enough?
HP: (incredulous) What!
MrHP: Yes when I give you hugs, I always let my hands wander down.
HP: H, how come I don't notice this? Are you SURE you do that?
MrHP: Yes I do it every day when I get home. Usually you are making supper and maybe you are just distracted..?
HP: (thinking that he's overestimating how often he does this, if at all, but totally up for the idea that she could have been missing signs every day) Oh my goodness, are you telling me I've been missing your signals every day??
MrHP: I guess so!
HP: I'm so sorry. If you've been showing your desire and I fail to see it because I'm expecting something aggressive and over the top, well, that isn't fair. I will be sure to look for it from now on.

(commence ML)

Last night was neither good, bad or indifferent. H initiated in a really weird way, just like he had the night before. Just announced it with no signs of desire, but not really hostile either.
In fact, last night I had a helluva time, for the first time in our marriage, getting him physically aroused. MrH normally gets aroused in a matter of seconds. This took at least 5 minutes, maybe more, of direct stimulation. I knew it was his mind getting in the way but aint nothing I can do about that. I just acted as if this was the best thing since sliced bread and he eventually got into it, but the whole thing felt weird and off.

I cannot remember the last time he initiated because he was undeniably horny. It's been a while. At first, I chalked it up to his job loss but now I don't know.

So lots of good things, some not so good, but we are steadily moving onward and upwards.