She knows the physical part and you need the words to explain the other part...gotcha.
I am coming from this as a typical HDW. My H sees me as this emotional woman who needs sex as a way to connect and blah blah. It is still, after all these years, a shock to his system to learn that I have physical needs. Women aren't supposed to be like that, etc. So if I were to focus on the emotional part, he'd get that but automatically think that this is stuff he can do without having to have sex. So I have to focus on the physical part at the same time.
I'm now understanding that you are an HD man and she no doubt knows that you have physical needs. You probably demonstrate this to her a zillion times a week. I'm so OUT of it when it comes to how men act, having lived with my H for 11 years, that I'm misunderstanding the question.
As an HDH, I can't understand that at all. I am sure it is not you though. Maybe you need to get one of those dual time zone clocks, so you can set one side two hours earlier and then discretely flip the switch when he's in one of his watch the clock moods
Re: HP I know my husband is willing to listen to me say what it means to me, but I'd better be honest and include the physical part or he tunes me out. He sees it as a ploy. Do the wives do this too? Yes BB does.
Last night I watched a sex myths program (sex is bad for people with heart conditions) and there was a heart Dr. on talking about normal, once a week sex and the general health of a man. If sex was twice a week, the men lived 1.6 years longer and if sex was everyday the men lived 8 years longer. BB said it was crap men disseminated, and just some trick so H's could get more sex. Then I said (resentments about little or reluctant sex lessens life span, causes many health problems, etc) how I feel and we continued some more this AM. I don't konw if I made many points. Time will tell.
HP, I don't have any knowledge what other women think, but I run into the ploy attitude often. I think it comes from the other person's expectations/dreams not being realised often enough, according to what they think their expectations/dreams should have come true.
Honey, my point was that you need three or four times a week to feel SATIATED. Sure you can be "happy" with less, especially as long as he seems to be making an effort. But how lovely it would be to feel filled most of the time without having to fight for it.
I was going back to what you said here
Quote: I explained that the first day of sex, it takes the edge off. I feel a little better but am ready for the next day. The next day, I feel better but still pretty randy. The third day I'm starting to really feel physically sated and by the fourth day I'm totally bushed and ready for a break on Day 5.
As for his being horny and hard but choosing sleep... is that more of discipline/denial of the body stuff? Catholics get points for denying the needs/urges of the body.
As for bf being a 7, you've got me thinking... I'm going to look into that. He might be an 8 with a strong 7 wing. Anger is in his core and that's the primary issue of the 8. He hasn't taken the test, but we've gone over the characteristics, and many 7 things fit him. But he may not be into pleasure enough to be a true 7.
They also talked about better sleep after orgasams, contentment with spouse after mutually satisfying sex, reduced stress, etc. Then there were pregnancy myth issues and STD myths, likely hood of transmission, good/bad paths for several STD's IE. dry toilet seat not likely but a wet towel maybe, and hot tub transmissions????.
I had trouble with the link. Kept getting pop-ups.
Hey Lil, I really don't think he's denying himself for any particular reason. He fasts one day a month, but other than that he's not into that. His clock watching starts at about 7:30. He gets antsy when the kids are not in bed on time cause that means HIS bedtime is delayed. He is just super rigid about routine. The funny thing is: I am the routine person wrt our kids. He lets em get away with murder, but then he will sit back and bitch about them getting to bed late. Or he lets D3 skip her nap and then complains cause she's acting terrible.
But his own schedule and routine is written in stone. As of now, there is no stone etching for "Wife Time" but it is getting closer and closer. A year ago it was just a non-issue with him--he wasn't scheduling me in and that's that. Now he recognizes that he should, and he makes efforts, but he often falls short.
I was thinking a 9 for your bf. The passive aggressiveness and people pleasing nature that he seems to have really fit with that. Though I have only read one Enneagram book and am far from an expert.
Quote: Then the next morning he talks about how horny he was and wishes it hadn't been so late.
What IS this?
I don't buy the "too late" argument. If he's really too tired, then that's one thing. But there's no such thing as "too late." If he hops right on, how long will it take, 10-15 minutes at most? Then he'll be tired and relaxed and get a good night's sleep. Challenge him on this.
My late husband was a 9, and I don't think bf is one. The 9 can see all sides of a situation and is agreeable to a fault. My late H did not have a malicious bone in his body or an angry one. I'm reading right now in one of my enneagram books about the 8, and it's possible bf falls into this group. He and the C have identified Anger as The Bear Who Lives Inside of Him. He is seething with unexpressed anger. This would not be true of a 9. The 9 might be passive-aggressive but would not be boiling with rage. Bf once broke a guy's leg in a fight. He slugged his mom when he was 16 because she wouldn't stop slapping him. Issues? Yeah.
I get what you're saying about your H's desire for routine, and I'm not suggesting that your H is systematically practicing Denial of the Urges of the Body, I'm just saying that as a devout Catholic, all things being equal, he would be able to find virtue and a positive reason for ignoring his erection in favor of sleep. Someone who did not see Mastery of the Body as a good thing probably would just give in to the erection, ML, and fall asleep, without thinking too much about it.
Edited to add: The enneagram book I'm reading says that the 8, 9, and 1 (HD's wife) all have rage under the surface. The 2, 3, and 4 have shame. The 5, 6, and 7 have fear. This is really interesting. I think he is an 8, not a 7. What a relief... I couldn't believe a 7 could be so mean all the time. Thanks for the heads-up, HP.
I really think you are on to something in the last set of posts. Sorry if I have been in lurkage but I have been following. The thing that got me was when you mentioned that your H assumes that if you are tired, busy, or stressed that you (like him) would want to postpone. My H assumes the same. The truth is that I would postpone for that reason maybe one time out of ten. I realized that I will sometimes say, "H too bad it's late cause I'm horny." The reality is that I say that mainly to "feel him out". How silly of me. Bad mistake. I gotta work on just going with the "H I'm horny. Interested?"
Anyway, back to your H. I think that when he puts off ML although physically horny he doesn't do it to deny himself but more like, to preserve his energy for "more important" stuff. He mentions it or otherwise lets you know to show his "desire" for you. Does that make sense?
Thanks for the heads-up, HP.