Yeah, exactly like that. I wish I were as good with words. If I try to tell her that, I'm sure it by the time I mangled it and she filtered it, it would come across as GGB is complaining he wants more sex again.
Quote: Yeah, exactly like that. I wish I were as good with words. If I try to tell her that, I'm sure it by the time I mangled it and she filtered it, it would come across as GGB is complaining he wants more sex again.
I hear you!
God is love, love is blind, Ray Charles is blind......so there.
Quote: up until now we both put pressure on me to be happy with whatever he offered sexually because he was trying. Just saying, It is nice and I love him to bits for making it a priority.
This is the first step and it is where some of the people are on this BB, "I just want to see some effort, to know that s/he is trying, that s/he is making an effort, going to the C, reading the books, 'working' on the problem," etc.
But then there comes the next step: after you as the spouse wanting changes are fully appreciative of your partner's EFFORTS, then you start thinking about RESULTS, and then ultimately YOUR OWN SATISFACTION and whatever brings you ultimate satisfaction.
It's like you appreciate their going grocery shopping, studying cookbooks, and setting a beautiful table with flowers and everything, but there comes a time when you just want to sit down to the table and eat some home cooking! Reading cookbooks and talking about cooking are not the same as EATING.
I think you stated it very well, honey, when you acknowledged that as much as you appreciate your H's efforts and the giant strides that you two have made, the bottom line is that your body/soul/heart/mind/spirit needs real sex about four times a week for you to feel satiated. His efforts are all well and good, but if he can only meet you on your ground once a week, and you have to drag him there or do without the other three times, you will not have that lovely, full-up, my soul is overflowing feeling that would make you so happy.
I experienced this satiation with only one person. When we were together, we would ML in the morning, then lie around and talk for a while, then ML again. Then, finally, we would do it one more time, and only then did I feel completely full, satisfied, happy, and ready to get up and go get some breakfast. This didn't happen all the time, but I remember how great I felt for the rest of the day-- just completely happy, contented, physically at peace. That's the only R I ever had where my complete physical satiation was an option. This guy was a 7 (he's deceased now ) and was able to really lose himself in physical pleasure. Frankly, we did not have a deep, deep emotional connection, although we loved each other and really liked each other. But from him I learned that a deep physical compatibility can be a window into utter happiness, peace, and connectedness-- this is apart from orgasms, performance, timing, mood, etc. I thought I was getting that again with my 7 bf, but I guess all 7's aren't like that. But, honey, as a 7, you (and JJ) seem to have that capacity for deep physical happiness. It IS lovely. I really miss it.
P.S. I love conversations about spirituality, God, God-human relations and would probably jump at the chance to discuss issues like that any time of the day or night. Even Catholic spirituality. Yesterday morning my bf complained that I bounce out of bed "spewing" spiritual philosophy.
I enjoy the conversations a LOT more than I ever have. My own spirituality has grown in the last year, so it helps me. Before I felt that I was talking about something that I didn't feel..or couldn't relate to like he could. I just realized the parallels between my spirituality and his sexuality as I typed that. I sought out more religious materials and really felt myself, for the first time, being drawn to my faith. As a cradle Catholic, I could talk a great game, but I didn't feel it deep down in my bones. I may not be at the level H is, but I'm getting there with every passing year.
Also, with each passing year, the deep hurt is lessening. Before I couldn't stand the religious convos not solely because I got nothing out of them but because they represented to me his deep passion and love for his faith--the same faith that he nearly left me over--and highlighted how he simply did not feel that way for me. It has taken many years to get over this. Will I ever get over it completely?? I don't know. I asked myself that the other day. Gosh I hope so.
Oh and I wanted to say that I don't NEED sex 4 times a week to feel happy with him. I surely want it that much, but I can live with a drastic reduction of, say, three. LOL Even twice a week is too little and I start to feel disconnected from him. I realize how that sounds but if we are talking about my happiness--and we are--then I have to be honest and say that I couldn't be happy with anything less than that. A long time ago, I was talking about doing a sex schedule and NOP chimed in and said, Make sure you allot enough sex for yourself. I thought that was an odd comment at the time..given that MrH was doing something he did not want to do (a schedule) and here I was to say, Well it can't be less than such-and-such. But now I see what he meant. Don't underestimate your ability to be content, simply cause you're so happy with step one--the effort. The LD partner will have to step up and do the same sort of negotiating. My job is to really sit back and let my H do his negotiating which is much more quiet and reserved than my own. He is either pensive or he is overreacting, in the 6 way. I have to pay close attention and measure my words so that he has a chance to get his ideas heard.
MrsNOP that was so eloquent!! You really have a way with words.
I think that is a great approach. The only problem I can see is in concentrating solely on the emotional aspect. I think these fellas should say all that, but also add in what it means to them physically. Otherwise their wives will likely have their bullsh*t monitors going off loudly. I know my husband is willing to listen to me say what it means to me, but I'd better be honest and include the physical part or he tunes me out. He sees it as a ploy.
Do the wives do this too?
Lillie, are you certain your bf is a 7? Has he taken the tests?
MrsNOP, You want to know which one of your sentences resonated the most with me?
The one about the shadows.
Too often, I feel that we are doing great with each other but we are just not there. The shadow is there...the shadow of him feeling inadequate, of me making him feel this way. Of me disconnecting because we are not ML, of him trying to force the connection in other ways, to make up for it.
I want that shadow to leave this home and never return.
Honey, the problem is that any reference to the physical aspect of LM gets immediately translated to, "he wants more sex." While I do acknowledge that, I'm trying to get across that there's more to it than just wanting more sex.
Lately my H is horny at bedtime, but doesn't want to ML.
What do I make of this? Any suggestions what I should do/say?
He is hard, he touches me lightly, but will not initiate. If I attempt to do it, he says, No it's too late; I want to go to sleep.
Then the next morning he talks about how horny he was and wishes it hadn't been so late.
What IS this? I'd say it's happened 4 times within the past week, to give you an idea of how frequent it is happening.
One night I said to him: H, if I were you, and did not feel horny as frequently as my spouse, and this was an issue, I think I would act on those urges instead of waiting for the next night, when you may or may not feel it. It seems that you are getting into the habit of ignoring your body. Do you think this is a good habit to get into?
He said, No, but maintained that either it's too late to ML or it's early enough to fit it in. It doesn't matter how horny a person is, if it's too late, it's too late.
As you can guess, I'm not overly fond of this logic but not sure what to do with it.
He is a rigid person. Not spontaneous, likes routine and resists change. I can generally nudge him out of this, and he likes that. I have historically been unsuccessful in nudging him at bedtime.
I suppose he is doing what I asked him to...touch me even if it can't lead to ML, caress me, give me that lovely PT. But in reality I find it confusing and frustrating to have a man next to me who is hard and turned on, but so consumed with the time on the clock that he opts for sleep instead.
The fused part of me starts thinking, If I was more attractive or sexy, he wouldn't be able to do that.
Any suggestions on how to deal with this? Just leave it alone?
