Congrats, HP. So many people want to make it a gender thing...that men just don't get it until you've told them the same thing about a hundred times. I tend to think it's just a human thing. Sometimes, you're ready to hear something, sometimes you're not.
Yeah it isn't a gender thing. He is not a "I have to tell him a hundred times" kinda person. I rarely repeat myself. He does not force me to nag--if I ask for something, he will do it, if he can.
I know he heard me before but I think perhaps he stopped listening once he got to the "....and on the 4th day" part. LOL I think he thought, Sister you're outta luck! But I wasn't necessarily trying to 'talk' him into anything, or demand that we do it my way, so much as I was trying to say "I'm just getting started when you're winding down and that's a problem". We seemed to move beyond the I am this and You are that portion of the convo, on to solutions. That is a first. Long ago, during our very first Discussion, he agreed to sex at least twice per week and that is the last time we had any real breakthroughs wrt frequency. And, to his credit, frequency has not been a problem with the exception of when I was pg and now. I believe we slowed down due to my physical pain and then it became our new "habit" and I suppose we will have to start breaking in a new habit.
I've been feeling physically better..maybe at 80%...and I'm quite frankly in the mood to celebrate. I hesitate to say I'm cured, cause it is probably a hormonal fluctuation, but dammit I feel better and I want someone to play with.
Also, HD, I believe it is a little of what you were talking about on the crucible thread. I can't say he is giving his best all the time, but I can honestly say he is putting forth a very good effort most of the time. So I feel as if he is looking at me, incredulously, and saying, This is STILL not enough?
And I have to answer honestly and say, No I am not happy with the results. I mean.....gosh I know how that sounds....I appreciate the effort and I think he's amazing for doing it..but am I happy? Am I sated? No.
I am not, however, angry and pissy about it either. But I will continue to negotiate to get more of my needs met, in a loving way. (this is the part where I sometimes fail )
I think he has an expectation that I will be happy with whatever comes my way, so long as he is trying his best. Firstly, he's not trying his 'best' (by his own admission) and secondly, says who? Who says I have to be happy and content just because someone else is giving their all? I am thrilled with the EFFORT but not the bottom line. I know how that makes me sound but it's the truth.
Saying that truth in a nice way, without making myself out to be a bitch, is not easy. I prefer sex 4 times a week and we've been having it once a week. Our weeks have been crazy, with kids and job stuff so I have been backing off (rightfully so) but still...getting a quarter of your needs met will not send anyone over the moon, kwim?
As a separate human being from him, I reserve the right to be sated and happy at whatever point feels right to me. Ditto for him and his needs.
But like I said, I will do my level best to remain cheerful--I almost always pull this off--and kind. I can no longer hold my warmth hostage when he doesn't live up to our agreement.
This is mostly journaling, in case you haven't figured it out. Just a big ol free association of crap that is floating around my brain.
Quote: because I simply cannot physically tolerate sex once per week and still refrain from mb and still keep my cheery attitude. He was wanting all of these things from me and I was getting way resentful. His resentment comes in the form of thinking that I am never happy and no matter how much he gives it isn't enough.
Have you ever told her this? Does she know how long you can go without getting what I call physically crabby? This might be a place to start.
For some weird reason, my H still wants to think that we experience the down cycles in the same way...that I get 'distracted' by life and busy weeks and that I, too, prefer to put it off. It's weird. Man, if I felt like that I sure as hell wouldn't be on this bb!
Things continue to go well here, in terms of us trying to do right by each other's feelings. In practical terms, that means that we ML on Sat and Sun and then Mon night, MrH was stalling so I offered a rain check for Tues. Tuesday night rolls around and he asks if we can ML Wed. I said, Okaay. (I can't remember my exact verbiage but it was super nice and a definite 180 for me..felt good) Wednesday night rolls around and.....ok, do I even have to post this part? Is everyone looking at their monitor and syaing, Don't say it Honeypot..he asked for another raincheck?! Yes he did.
There is both positive and negative here. Firstly he agreed to have a celebratory sexathon--it was his idea, in fact--and have sex 3 days in a row. We did not accomplish this BUT he has brought it up every night. No more of this "Make a promise, want to renege, keep silent and hope she forgets". So that is a positive. The negative is, of course, that he has now put me off more nights than he ML.
We got home late last night, as we took the kids to the county fair, and he said, Well I wish we could have done something tonight... I replied, Didn't you think of this when you begged off last night and asked to do it tonight? He said, No.
So I don't think it is that he is necessarily wanting to do it the next night, it is just something to say to get me temporarily off his back. How romantic!
However, I am going to take this opp to pat myself on the back. I have been nothing but cheerful and kind to him since our last discussion.
It was a freeing discussion for me, in that up until now we both put pressure on me to be happy with whatever he offered sexually because he was trying. Just saying, It is nice and I love him to bits for making it a priority but I'm not over the moon with that particular frequency. As you noted, GGB, what he wants of me is a bit unrealistic unless he's willing to really step up to the plate. He sure seemed like he was willing to do that last weekend! This week has NOT bowled me over, but I am going to treat it like it was just a fluke and assume that from here on out, it's going to be wonderful. In other words, I'm going to hold him to his own words by my actions and acting as if.
Quote: As you noted, GGB, what he wants of me is a bit unrealistic unless he's willing to really step up to the plate.
He sure seemed like he was willing to do that last weekend! This week has NOT bowled me over, but I am going to treat it like it was just a fluke and assume that from here on out, it's going to be wonderful. In other words, I'm going to hold him to his own words by my actions and acting as if.
Gosh, I hope you are not setting yourself up for a disappointment here. Oh Boy, listen to me...i am really sounding a bit jaded huh?
Yeah, I think I've told her that, but not as well put as what you have here. I find myself lately having a really hard time expressing what I want or am feeling. No matter what I say, it seems to get mutated into he wants more sex by the time it gets to her brain. Thing is, that isn't exactly what I want. How do I tell her what I am looking for when I have a hard time explaining it to you folks who do get it?
Quote: How do I tell her what I am looking for when I have a hard time explaining it to you folks who do get it?
Yeah, GGB, I have the same problem. I’ve tried repeatedly to explain to W what I need and what it means to me – but I can’t seem to get it to come out right. Like so many of the LD spouses discussed here, she tends to hear that I just want more sex. But in all honesty, I have to admit that I have a hard time articulating what it is that I really want. I know what it is, and you do too, but from her POV, it’s just more sex. I get bogged down when I try to explain all that’s tied up with the sex, but it still seems that all she gets is a simple, “more sex”.
That's because what the HD person wants is unattainable, really.
I want H to agree to more sex but I want him to WANT that additional sex. If he doesn't want the current amount, why on earth would he want the additional stuff?
OR
If you don't want addt'l sex and are satisfied with quality over quantity, this is an even scarier proposition to the LD person. Now they can't "just do it", it has to be a quality-filled sextravaganza.
This is compounded if you are an HDW, as the fellas can't just "do it". There has to be a certain amount of arousal present for the event to take place.
I really do sympathize with the LD partners. It's like my H saying to me: I want you to have spiritual discussions with me, but furthermore I want you to WANT to have these discussions with me and initiate them yourself. When we DO have the discussions, I want you to think of original topics and interesting angles from which to approach it.
I have to say that I do look forward to our discussions sometimes. It used to be NEVER and I would be hateful and relentingly-devils-advocate-ish when conversing with him. I regret this. How sad and empty it must have felt for him to rush home to share with me, only to be met with THAT.
Now we have the discussions and, though I rarely initiate them--I'll have to work on that--I enjoy it.
HOWEVER, do I want more?
Only in the sense that I see how happy it makes him. I truly do not feel the urge to initiate a religious conversation. I do it because I love to see him happy and content.
I want to be able to discuss anything and everything with you. Conversations conveyed with respect and kindness even on the topics we find difficult, and done so without explosions of anger or cold withdrawals.
I want us to be comfortable, close and trusting enough with each other that there are no "eggshell places or pits of doom" in our relationship.
I want to be able to reach out and touch you with kisses, hugs or caresses with the knowledge that my touch is welcome to you and not something you merely tolerate or outright avoid.
I want you to reach out and touch me with kisses, hugs and caresses and know that you do so for love of me and a celebration of us.
I want to build a lifetime with you that we can look back on with warmth and pride rather than regret and sorrow.
I want to grab your hand, kiss your lips, hug you softly, look you in the eyes and have it be clean and joyous with no shadow between us to spoil it.
I'm not looking for sexual olympics. I'm not looking for overwhelming, glazed-eyed sexual desire. I'm not looking for something new and different each time we come together.
I want to make love to you. I want you to make love to me. Where we can be comfortable with each other. Where we can be open to each other. Where we both lay down our guard and allow the other in for a time.
I want you to be next to me and that I can know that I am the man you have chosen to spend you life with, to spend your days with, and that you would choose me again.
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