H and I were going thru a rough patch due to a discussion about frequency that came up. I had vowed to take the high road (a road I am not familiar with) and not mention it until his job issues settled down, but the topic came up and well...........
I didn't do the best job of phrasing it. In fact I was being sarcastic and whiny. I think I held it in too long and let it build into resentment. He did not react well to the sarcasm and we bounced back and forth between being ugly to each other and being kind and trying to see the other's POV. This went on for a couple days. All the while we were staying OK with each other but not close. I was too embarrassed to write the update here because I was ashamed that I had promised to shelve the frequency discussion and then dove right into it, as soon as it came up.
The good news is that after a couple days of this, we were both in a space where we wanted to work it out and, even more than that, we wanted to resolve it. I was trying to explain to him my feelings about the frequency and finally did it in a way that struck gold with him. I mean, HE GOT ME. For the first time in, well, ever he realized what I was saying. I explained that the first day of sex, it takes the edge off. I feel a little better but am ready for the next day. The next day, I feel better but still pretty randy. The third day I'm starting to really feel physically sated and by the fourth day I'm totally bushed and ready for a break on Day 5.
He sorta incredulously said, Well I'm tellin you right now, I can't physically do that! I quietly said, And H I can't do it your way, either.
This really made an impact on him. I think he was so caught up in what he could or couldn't do that he had never stopped to think about how it felt to be me.
I went on to say that he was going downhill, in terms of desire, and I was going uphill. And that once a week sex, in which the edge is taken off but nothing else, just was not satisfying for me on a long term basis. And that's why I felt so irritable lately. I was trying to suck it up but it just seemed like it was neverending. He admitted that he really didn't remember the time when it was more frequent than what we had been lately doing. I said, Well it was pretty darn exciting--too bad you don't remember!
He said that this was the best explanation he had ever heard and he felt that he finally understood why I never seemed "satisfied"..we are just mismatched in terms of where we are AT on a given day, with our level of desire. He's winding down, I'm winding up. He kept repeating the next day, Uphill downhill, yeah I get it now! He even offered hj's for me if he felt he couldn't do the whole monty.
this is HUGELY humongous for him.
Prior to this, he was a "this is what I'm able to give and that's that" sort of person. There was no trying to understand what it felt like to be me, because it didn't really matter to him--he was able to give X and I'd better receive X with a glad heart or else be miserable for the rest of my days.
I think it was partially this attitude that kept me pressing for more, and partially the fact that he held this attitude while saying, Now you know I don't want you to have to mb cause that's against our religion....
I wanted some compassion from him, some understanding of where I'm coming from. In these last years I have really attempted to see his POV and be empathetic and understanding. His attempts at compassion were to up the frequency and hope that I was ok with it.
For my part, the times that I tried to explain it in a kind and non-judgemental way were far outweighed by the b*tching times. It is humiliating for me to have to feel like I'm begging him to ML more. I hate it. I let my pride get in the way and next thing I know I'm saying in an ugly way.
Anyway, quite possibly the best news of all was that we got into an argument yesterday, non-sex-related, which is extremely rare for us. We don't fight much and when we do, it's almost always about ML. Anyway, this fight was over but the bad feelings lingered. We climbed into bed and snuggled up to one another. I was aware that we had made a date to ML but wanted no part of it--the whole weekend had had too much conflict for my blood. I just wanted it over! Instead H said that we needed to ML. He took charge of the whole experience and made it happen. I was amazed!!!!!!
This morning he wrote to me that he considered it a victory to have fought through the bad feelings and work towards turning it into something positive--ML. I replied that it was HIS victory, and it is.
