Old thread locked out. I hate starting new ones but this one's gonna be the last, LOLOL.
Thank you all for the input on my last thread.
I see that I am confusing folks on what I mean about MrH pursuing me. I simply mean that I want him to act more like a typical guy and less like a typical woman. Chrissy chimed in and said that her H wants her to be more aggressive and pursue him. Yes, but he doesn't sit back and never look at you, feel you, compliment you, etc, basically acting like a friendly male roommate and then BAM want you to do all the work in the sack.
This is where I need Jenny to help me out. It is particular to being an HDW or having an LDH. The LDW's or the HDH's are too much in their mindset of thinking that all guys act a certain way. Well they don't. Mine acts nothing like a "typical" guy. Mostly I'm glad for that. But sexually speaking it lacks.
Truth be told, I have no aspirations for him to become a 'typical' guy, whatever that is. I just want him to learn to be a little more aggressive. The style we have going on now is just NOT working for me.
But like I said, this is not the time to bring it up.
I had my girls night out and it was fun of course. I got home and MrH was nice enough to wait up for me--that made me feel great. Plus, he had set up my breast pump (ah the joys of nursing a baby) as I had been gone from her for 4 hours. I climbed into bed and he said Good NIGHT! and I got my feelings hurt. I hate pre-emptive strikes and he knows that. I called him on it immediately and he said he was just kidding--he swore it in fact and kept repeating, I didn't mean anything by it. Ok, I thought..I'm bein a little too sensiteev. Then he started caressing me and stroking me a tiny bit, for about 2 minutes. I couldn't really tell where he was going with this..the touches were so light, more like a light massage than foreplay. Then he stopped and rolled over onto his back and laid there. By this time I was totally confused. So I asked him and he said, I was initiating but you didn't do anything. I said, THAT was an initiation? Yes he did technically touch the bits but it was so light and tentative and caress-like that I had no idea what he was doing. He will often do something like this on nights when he doesn't want to ML...get the physical-touch- towards-wife portion of his day completed. Which is absolutely fine with me and I love it and appreciate it.
Normally when he initiates I don't have a problem discerning what he is doing. This was a weird one. So I took the helms and began doing the work. He said, I didn't know what you wanted so I didn't want to proceed. I said, If you want to ML I would love it if you would say, I want you. He mumbled something. I said, H! Will you say that next time? He said sure. I know I shouldn't have pushed the issue (control) but I am so sick of him having the requirement of SEEING my desire first, before he will make a move of his own. If I put on an act, I am being dishonest, if I don't, the whole thing stops on a dime. So who's being controlling?!
I don't mind showing desire but a couple minutes of caressing my stomach and breasts and a light sweep over the bits is just not enough for me to be audibly panting or whatever it is that he's looking for. I do make enjoyment noises..wait, you know what. It's not about what I'm doing or not doing. It's about the fact that he wants to make a small first move, then roll on his back and have me do the rest. That's laziness.
Ah but now I'm getting into a negative spiral. The end result was that we connected just fine though we had an awkward beginning.
I woke up horny as ever this morning. Just couldn't hardly function (this was before my kids woke up and drove any trace of that from me with their incessant demands, lol). I desperately need to get back in a groove with my husband that allows me to be the person I like to be. Relaxed, kind, un-anxious, abiding by the church's rules on mb--which I do, but grudgingly, and loving. Sex every 3 or 4 days just leaves me feeling as if I'm not starving. I'm being fed but you sure can't call it fulfilled.
Then all these other issues start to crop up. As soon as things settle down in our home, I'm going to try to get us back on track. Folks, pray that my husband decides to join me in this endeavor!
Boy that sounds like my marriage, only I'm the H. (DOH!)
Your description sounds almost exactly like me, and its something that has caused (atleast in part) a lot of distress in my marriage. I'm not out of the woods, and am still on the verge of divorce, so take what I say with a grain of salt.
I enjoy sex with my wife. I just feel like I don't want to do something that she's not wanting to do. When I do initiate (or think I'm initiating) she gives me no signal that this might be something that she wants. So I stop. Sometimes my wife would say, "What? Are you wanting something?" Kind of a deflater if you ask me.
I think it has something to do with a fear of rejection. I don't want to get all excited, then "rejected" when my wife doesn't feel like it. The kicker is that she's never really "rejected" me before, but its still there in the back of my mind.
Its a confidence thing, I think you really need to let him know both verbally and physically that what he is doing is turning you on.. I don't mean moaning and growning, but at least kiss him back, or say, "I like it when you do that." Something nice to encourage him. Don't just lay there. Maybe after awhile, he'll start being more confident in his approach.
I don't know.. thats what I want from my wife... maybe it might help with your sitch.
My apologies HP, for filling up your other thread with hijack material.
Quote: I know I shouldn't have pushed the issue (control) but I am so sick of him having the requirement of SEEING my desire first, before he will make a move of his own. If I put on an act, I am being dishonest, if I don't, the whole thing stops on a dime. So who's being controlling?!
I don't mind showing desire but a couple minutes of caressing my stomach and breasts and a light sweep over the bits is just not enough for me to be audibly panting or whatever it is that he's looking for. I do make enjoyment noises..wait, you know what. It's not about what I'm doing or not doing. It's about the fact that he wants to make a small first move, then roll on his back and have me do the rest. That's laziness.
So, I got questions!
He carresses you for a couple of minutes and you just lay there? And then if you begin to show a response, he just flops over and lays there? I'm not sure I get the dynamic.
If NOP carresses me, I carress back. Neither one of us just lays there receiving carresses - well not at least until we're on our way.
Maybe I'm missing something (t'wouldn't be the first time) but is there a place to speak up and say something like "honey, where are we headed with this?" or even "does this mean what I think it means?"
I guess I'm a believer in moving past the point where folks should put their tentative feelers out and instead should speak up. Or does saying it out loud take something away from the experience for you?
I know that would be enough positive reinforcement for me. Of course, not getting smacked upside the head with a frying pan is enough positive reinforcement for me.
Hiya Mrs and FL, I am not really "just laying there" but sometimes I don't immediately start doing it back to him. Sometimes I just enjoy the attention, kwim.
MrH does not like to be touched. Physical touch freaks him out. So when I do touch him, it is more the variety of laying on him or draping myself on him. Actual fingertip-variety touch makes him skittish. Or hot. Or ticklish. Or FITB. This used to greatly offend me but I'm okay with it now. I just make sure that my touch is either the kind he likes (ie, hard massage type stuff) or I am touching him with my body and not my hands.
Last night, I came to bed after a hectic night out...I left as soon as he got home, as he was an hour late and so I was an hour late to the dinner; then I came home, pumped, and got in bed. When I arrived, it was sort of a WHEW feeling. He said his Good NIGHT! and I got my feathers ruffled. He was touching me and my mind was going on that, admittedly, but still I snuggled over closer to him, I placed my hand on his hip, I nuzzled my head into his shoulder and made appropriate yummy noises. It was so short lived that there simply wasn't enough time for me to be acting aroused. Nor was it all that arousing. It WAS pleasurable and soft and wonderful and sweet and it felt so..damn..good...but it wasn't an arousing type of touch. During this time I did not touch him back, yet.
The stewing over the good night comment was getting stronger so I just addressed it. We got that out of the way and the first thing I did was to touch him suggestively. He was hard and we proceeded. Then we started talking about the initiation. Sick, you described his motive exactly. I don't reject him and yet he's so scared of it that he will put out these tentative feelers rather than truly make an initiation. It's not all that arousing. It comes off as "I'll have sex with you if you want" rather than "I'd like to ML to you".
Mrs, you know, the only reason I don't say "Whatcha got in mind?" when he does this is because he will always and I mean always say, Whatever you want. What do YOU want to do, honeypot? If I keep grilling him, he will eventually say "I guess I could make love if you wanted to". He will not own his feelings or his motivation. It drives me crazy and puts me in this sick headspace where I want to force him to SAY IT!
The other problem that has happened in the past is that he will answer however he thinks I want him to and then he gets resentful about it. Of course, I have no idea about this until weeks later when he'll bitterly spew out, "We are making love all the time and I can't say no!" or something like that.
If you have any suggestions on how I can phrase it please send em through.
Like I said, it was a pleasant ending so I'm not complaining per se. Just wanting to get back to the better place we were without all the theatrics that led us there in the first place.
HD, I do say that. Always. Otherwise he'll fall asleep and stop. LOL (or cry out loud, take your pick)
He needs me to say, Let's ML, or I want you or just grabbing it. He needs ME to make the definitive move, while he sits back and takes credit for always initiating! I want to be the one who hears him say that he wants me, or that he wants to ML.
If I weren't so stubborn I would say, Hey you know what he's trying to do so just go with it. And that's what I did for years.
Now I am at the place where the anger is not fueling my horniness to the extent that it did, and so now I'd like to replace that with some good old fashioned desire from him. What he does now simply does not turn me on.
I feel terrible writing that.
When he does make an effort I am sure to recognize it (sometimes not as much as I should) but I would like to slowly start working towards the point where these signs are more frequent and less vague.
He used to be more forward but he felt as if he had to "win me back". Now that he's got me he's getting complacent again. Last week he said he holds himself back--and it certainly appears that he does--but he rescinded that comment a couple hours later so who knows!
That is an extremely familiar scenario to me. HP - correct me if I'm wrong. If H starts with the light carressing it usually is initatiation but often the "gotta check this off the list" kinda initiation. I usually respond with an appreciative sigh/light moan and proceed to touch back in kind. If I want it to carry forward though I have to take it to the next level e.g. more directed, specific touch, a few kisses etc... If I just did the light touch thing back it would likely end there. Sound familiar?
I feel ya girl. I agree that you are going to have to speak to H.
Quote: It comes off as "I'll have sex with you if you want" rather than "I'd like to ML to you".
HP, I am running into the same thing right now, except even if we both want to we can't (unless we want another kiddo) right now because she's in her fertile period. Her reaction to the fertile time has been to just not touch me at all, which has gotten me predictably grumpy (a dynamic I am struggling to break). I think she's got in her head that all physical has to lead to an O, and we had the discussion just yesterday about the church's rules on not spilling the seed*, therefore no touching until we can boink again. Trouble is, her cycle is still erratic, so we are ending up with just a few (5 days last time) safe days in what last month was a 42 day cycle. Oh my, I really digressed. What I was starting to say is that we've fallen into the same dynamic where she'll kind of tentatively caress me with about the same if you want to I am willing message. No urgency, no Oink meows.
Monday night, after a while of mutual caressing I got her going really good with a HJ, and gave her a pretty good O (that is a first). Nothing more happened, and IC was out because of the timing. She didn't reciprocate, which was fine with me, as it was intended to be something just for her. Since then, though I was kind of hoping for her to show me some affection but it hasn't happened. This morning I finally said something to her, and it turned out she was afraid she'd leave me frustrated and with blue-balls. Sigh, OK so I get no loving at all then? Obviously need to talk this out, but I have to figure out how and when to do it so that she doesn't then come on to me in the usual I guess I gotta take care of you way.
OK, sorry about the hijack. Now back to you. HP, I think you need to tell him exactly what you are telling us, but don't do it in bed so he hopefully doesn't take it as a honey-do list (or is that a do-Honey list ). The point is try to convey your feelings rather than what you wish he would do or not do, Tell him how you feel when he does(n't) _______, KWIM? I think maybe if you do this right, then it won't have to wait for things to settle out in the outside of bed part of your life.
*gosh, I still haven't figured out how I am supposed to abide by that one, but darn it, I am trying really hard. Not getting off is making me hornier by the day, and moodier as if she is supposed to read my mind and know that I am horny and somehow find a way to alleviate that without breaking the church rules....Argh! (actually, If I am going to break them rules, I'd rather not do it by myself ). Come on temperature shift!
--GGB, to whom the crack of dawn is starting to look good
Quote: Sick, you described his motive exactly. I don't reject him and yet he's so scared of it that he will put out these tentative feelers rather than truly make an initiation. It's not all that arousing. It comes off as "I'll have sex with you if you want" rather than "I'd like to ML to you".
Its really hard to "teach" someone to take initiative. And telling someone to "start taking initiative" is pretty useless. Your husband is going to have to learn to be more confident in himself, and thats not an easy task. I'm in the exact same boat as your husband, except my wife is at the point of divorce... so atleast you still have a chance.
I would discuss going to a therapist. Talking to him about it on your own will probably not lead anywhere productive since he'll take it as you complaining rather than trying to help your relationship.
He'll probably resist the idea of going, and will probably insist on trying to work on it alone... Thats what I did.
You might even have to go as far as setting up the appointment and give him a date to show up.. then he'll take you seriously.
The thing is, this probably has alot to do with something that has happened in his past, or even in the past with YOUR relationship. Maybe something happened where he felt rejected or made fun of, and that can cause lasting issues.
). The point is try to convey your feelings rather than what you wish he would do or not do, Tell him how you feel when he does(n't) _______, KWIM? I think maybe if you do this right, then it won't have to wait for things to settle out in the outside of bed part of your life.