H & I went to MC last night and we talked about me moving home. My MC said he can go either way on this. He wants me home, but ONLY if I can control my anger. If not, keep the space because our M is so fragile right now. My H said the only reason he wants me to stay in the apt. is to protect the R. Anyway, I had a complete melt down in C and I cried and cried and cried, I asked my H to forgive me for all the hateful words. We are now trying to rebuild and our C has given us material on constructive communication. My H asked me what he could do? I told him nothing, at this point, it is me that has to change. With that said, I haven't talked to me H since except for a brief conversation telling him goodnight. I've not talked to him this morning. I feel as though I truly need to work on myself at this point, to be patient and see how things go. I have made the decision to get rid of all this anger and if my H sparks this anger, the very best thing that I can do for myself and our M is to stay away for a while until I can get it under control.
I cried all last night, not because of our M, but because of my behavior. I'm ashamed and remorseful. I never wanted the M to end and I was absolutely trying to MAKE it end because I wanted my H to pay so bad. He's paid the price and bless his heart, he has withstood it! I'm grateful for that and now the real work begins. Not the work on the R, but on me.
I think you're understanding that it's not H that sparks the anger, but your thoughts and perceptions that create your anger.
Unfortunately, my H has had a change of heart. He doesn't want the M. Now what?
What day is it? Monday? See how he feels on Tuesday.
I think you guys should stay separated longer, really. H's right. It'll serve you well, if you make it serve you. Rushed reunions result in permanent separations. Take your time. You'll know when you're ready.
I still cannot find any peace. I believe I can control my anger with my H and I know that I love him, but I'm still having a lot of trouble in getting past his affair. He won't let me ask any questions and I think he has lied to me with some of his answers and with this still rotating in my brain, I'm still have trouble moving forward with him. How do I ask him about his A without me "bringing up the past" and "getting over it". Is this a sign of not forgiving him? Or have I forgiven him but still battling within my soul that this is too much for me to handle? Is God trying to tell me something? On the one hand, I love him and I want the marriage to work, but on the other hand, I can't seem to move forward, why? I feel like I really want the marriage to work but I cannot find peace with this decision. Why isn't there any peace? He has told me that he doesn't want the marriage any more, he wants a divorce so now I am having a decision forced on me! I'm not angry, just still very confused. How can I be sure that the marriage is really want I want and more importantly, is this what God wants? I'm struggling spiritually as well. I can't tell what God is trying to tell me or what Satan is trying to do to me. Do I need more time to heal? All I know is that I'm heading for a nerveous breakdown - I cannot go on much longer like this and neither can my H. I truly am very desparate for help.
By the way, we had a good weekend - we enjoyed ourselves which confuses me more. Why do I today feel all of these emotions - again? I'm sick of this.
I had another melt down last night (privately - my H wasn't around). Anyway, I still have no peace with staying with my H. Although, I am controling my anger, I guess maybe I'm now in the grieving period. I'm tired of crying, I'm loosing weight like mad and I'm not feeling well at all. I'm trying to take care of myself but I'm finding it difficult. I have no appetite, I can't sleep and I'm becoming very unhealthly. I have to make a decision about staying or going otherwise I will be in the hospital very soon. As a matter of fact, I almost drove myself to the emergency room last night - I have an extreme back ache. I feel like I'm reallly going to crash and burn very, very soon. How do I make a decision? How do I know it's the right decision?
Gywn, once again, NYS is right. "Rushed reunions result in permanant seperations." I know. This has happened more than I would like to count. As a result in getting back too soon or "trying it again", my W and I keep getting worse.
If you read my sitch..way back...I was writing the same words you were writing...I think most of us were at one point....well, it does get better. Don't you hate that when you read or hear that? That doesn't help right now, does it?
I would write....I want peace. It turned into a discussion on what kind of meds to take to survive the day. I did end up taking Abiem (sp) to sleep...that worked. Others mentioned anti-depressants. I decided to keep away from those but if you are at your wits-end...that is something you might try.
The only way to continue this painful journey is to continue the journey. In other words, stop stalling. Another thing you mentioned was that you have a relationship with GOD. Don't give up on him. He really helped me out when I was at my worst. He picked me up and showed me the way out of the mess. I think if you ask him for guidance, you will see that taking the journey that is ever so painful, that that is the path for eventual healing. It's time to start. You are delaying because you are trying to hold on to yesterday. Yesterday is gone. Today is hard. Tommorrow is the going to be a "new normal". It is going to be up to you how you handle this new normal. If you handle it right with all of us helping you, then the chances are better for a sucessful life and hopefully a successful R with H.
Gywn, time to get going. It's time to GAL. It's time to take the first step away from today's pain.
Thanks for your post. What does GAL mean? I have no desire to do anything!
I am sure you are all very wise and I've decided to keep ourselves separated for a little longer. I know I'm not ready to move back home. Not that I can't control my anger, because I believe I'm becoming better at that, it's more like I really don't like being around my H very much right now. Hopefully that will change but that comes from changing myself, how I feel deep down, what I want from life. Do I want to be with an adulterer? I know I shouldn't label, but a cow is a cow. Or do I set my standards higher? As I said, I have a lot to sort out.
