H & I went to MC last night and we talked about me moving home. My MC said he can go either way on this. He wants me home, but ONLY if I can control my anger. If not, keep the space because our M is so fragile right now. My H said the only reason he wants me to stay in the apt. is to protect the R. Anyway, I had a complete melt down in C and I cried and cried and cried, I asked my H to forgive me for all the hateful words. We are now trying to rebuild and our C has given us material on constructive communication. My H asked me what he could do? I told him nothing, at this point, it is me that has to change. With that said, I haven't talked to me H since except for a brief conversation telling him goodnight. I've not talked to him this morning. I feel as though I truly need to work on myself at this point, to be patient and see how things go. I have made the decision to get rid of all this anger and if my H sparks this anger, the very best thing that I can do for myself and our M is to stay away for a while until I can get it under control.
I cried all last night, not because of our M, but because of my behavior. I'm ashamed and remorseful. I never wanted the M to end and I was absolutely trying to MAKE it end because I wanted my H to pay so bad. He's paid the price and bless his heart, he has withstood it! I'm grateful for that and now the real work begins. Not the work on the R, but on me.
