Gwyn, it sounds like you're coming to understand how your emotions are undermining you and that there's a way out. Keep working on that. It's good that you see the association of your venting anger at your H, with his withdrawing. That anger isn't serving any good purpose, right? Besides that, the other damage anger is doing for you is to keep you feeling miserable.
You have the right to be angry.
But does manifesting anger help or hurt? That's really the question for Gywn! Letting H know how hurt and angry you are just doesn't help him nor you. It just creates more anger, doesn't it?
You can help let go of anger, by stopping its creation.
Thought control and changing perspectives/thoughts are used to stop its creation.
It doesn't mean giving up your self in order to change your thoughts about things. It means adding to your self.
For example, "he changed the locks on the house. MY HOUSE, I alone own it, but when I found this out, I had no reaction but... it really made me mad. "
Let's use this as an example of learning how to let go of anger and control it, OK?
True, you may not have displayed your anger, but had anger nonetheless. Why? Because you saw H's changing the locks as violating your ownership of your property. Anger may be an appropriate reaction, but again, someone else may just have been intensely curious about H changing the locks, and not angry per se. It's all in the way we look upon a matter, isn't it? See it as a personal affront, we get angry. See it as witnessing something quite bizarre, we may get curious and annoyed. See it as something really goofy, and we may just laugh at the absurdity of it, and that alone may help take the edge off the annoyance factor and task of getting the locks changed back again.
What happens next? Think it through... the locks are changed, I would like them to be changed back. I can have that done, or H can take care of it. It's a matter of some work or some money, that's all. Though it may inspire some negative emotions ("Oh, I can't BELIEVE he's putting me through this chore!") It need not have negative emotions ruling it, festering.
How do we get that different perspective? One good way is to find out just why H felt the locks needed changing. There's a reason he did that seemed valid to him, what was his viewpoint? Can you understand where he's coming from? You need not agree with him, but can you see it along with him? By way of a weak analogy, a baby cries in the middle of the night and it's annoying to you and as dead asleep as you are, now you have to get up and trod around and do some work in figuring out what is bothering the baby and in quieting the baby and getting the baby back to sleep. If you just look at the baby's act of crying as the issue, you may resent it. If you understand that the baby is crying because it wet itself and is very uncomfortable and reacted this way because it knew no other way to help itself, you're much more understanding of its cry.
On a scale off 1 to 10, with 10 being WW III, what does this incident rate? "Really mad"... OK... The locks can be changed back. At most, it's an inconvenience, and not a major disaster type of inconvenience, like the house burning down, not even minor disaster type like the basement got flooded. It's certainly an annoyance, though, sure. So, where does it rate, and according to its rate, how much of a response does that rate warrant? In other words, since locks can be changed within a few hours, is it worth stewing over it for a week or two?
Is H forever 24/7 doing every and all things asinine, and this is but one example? Or does he once in a while do something you don't understand? Aren't people going to do some pretty large dumb things from time to time? Is this one of them? Does it mean you create a negative feeling regarding him... or only at what he did?
If you even need to have the locks changed back, in which case, you may wish to have a bigger chuckle even more at what H did, as changing the locks may not have really changed anything, right?
Can someone expaliln to me the "as if" concept - I couldn't find it in the DR book.
It's that you're creating your own reality. If something like the above makes you angry, for example, you act "as if" it doesn't. Do the things that someone who would NOT be angry would do. Think the thoughts that someone who would NOT be angry would think. "Act as if" you're not angry... Since motivation actually can get kick-started from action, "acting as if" can lead to it being so. It also has an effect on the world around you, since NOT being angry, as per our illustration, will influence how others act around us, as opposed to how they'd act otherwise if we did display our anger.
Update, my H came over for dinner last night. I told him that I wanted to come home. He is very reserved about this. He thinks it is too soon and that I need to continue healing. He feels that I am making progress but he also thinks that with a little more time, if we are patient, I will come home and really be ready. Right now, he doesn't want to put more pressure on the R and try to short term fix our R. He said he wants to look at the long term goal and that is we get back together and forget all of this. Unfortunately, I don't think that is a reality and I told him that. I won't forget, it will always be present in our R however, we can learn to deal with it in a more productive way. He again says that he WILL NOT talk about this A any longer and he WILL NOT answer any more questions. This frustrates me and puts an enormous burden on me. If I go home, I must NEVER talk about his according to him and I'm not sure that will happen. I plan on talking to our MC about this very issue tonight and my H and I decided to change courses with our MC. Most of sessions our MC has only mediated fights rather than offer tools on communication. We plan to explore these things tonight.
My delima is this - I feel I need to go home to really, really work on the M, my H fees like we need to give it more time because we can only tolerate each other in short spurts. Our goal is to take one night a week and spend the night with each other, and increase this as time goes by and then when we can be with each other more than just a few hours a day, then we'll be ready. I'm reserved about this only because I think it is all or nothing. You either work on the M full time or it will keep us stagnet rather than moving forward.
I am painfully aware that my angry outbursts have created more of a problem than a solution. I have unfortunately learned this the hard way. My H said some of the most cruel things to me in one of fits of anger and I have to say that I took this burden on myself and felt as though I deserved it! He told me that I no longer the victim, he is and he said that he will take control now, it is out of my hands and so on and so on and so on. Believe it or not this was the wake up call that I needed. I don't want the M to dissolve so I've made the decision to control my anger. I'm using thought control the best I can and I'm sure it will take some practice, but for the first time I'm willing to be willing.
Should I go back and live with my H or should I try to heal a little more? My H wants to see consistency, I want to give it a try and told him that if we aim at nothing, we'll hit nothing every time. What do you all think? Any advise?
Gwyn, you have asked several times if we all think you should go home. Only you and your H can decide this. He says he doesn't think you are ready and he may not be ready either. I would suggest having your MC mediate a conversation about this too.
As far as his request to not talk about the A. I think it is really important to consider the request. He knows he made a mistake and he doesn't want to keep being reminded about it. He wants to forget it and move on. I believe going back and rehashing this with him over and over is not healthy for either of you. It will get you nothing but hurt and angry all over again.
My H didn't want to talk either. I didn't want to know any details about his A, only why he did it. He did it because our M was bad, he felt bad, and he was looking for comfort. That really was all I needed to know. He didn't do it because he didn't love me, he did it cuz he was feeling bad and was looking for something to make him feel better.
So I left it at that and we never talked about it. He apologized to me the first day I found out about it, but he kept seeing her. He finally broke it off with her but he never apologized to me again. In his mind, he just wanted to forget it and move on.
To me, I couldn't see any point is going over it again. It would be painful to discuss and some things I just didn't want to know, and he didn't want to talk about. We both wanted it to go away and by not obsessing about it, it eventually did go away. We wanted to make that fresh start and let the past be the past. Can't change it.
We both know what happened, but we really don't need to talk about it. We started over in a new M. The A was in our old M.
I know it's hard, Gwyn. There are things you want that he doesn't want to or can't give you. It is hard on him too.
So try to let it go and move on. That is what you both want and if you plan to go back home and try to start over, you have to leave this in the past.
Quote: He again says that he WILL NOT talk about this A any longer and he WILL NOT answer any more questions. This frustrates me and puts an enormous burden on me.
Gwyn,
I have read on these boards and else where of couples setting up a specific time and length of time to talk about the A. For instance Monday nights from 7PM to 8PM you get to ask questions and he agrees to answer. The other 167 hours in the week, talk of the A is off limits. If you think this idea might work for you, talk it over w/MC to see how to present it to H.
I get the hunch that H's refusal to talk about it or answer questions has more to do with Gwyn's reactions to his answers than anything else, because of her admitted anger (mis)management. If that's the case, the time limit idea isn't going to do the trick.
If that's the case, the time limit idea isn't going to do the trick.
I dunno; it might. Maybe he can handle her reaction for an hour a week if in return he gets 167 peaceful hours. One of MDW's key points is Try Something Different. Seems like it's worth a shot, if it's something Gwyn still feels like she needs. Maybe even the possibility of discussing it will help aleve her need to.
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Thanks, but it won't work. I suggested it to my H and he said no time, not ever!!!! He's through! He's answered all he's going to answer and if I want to talk about it go ahead, but he refuses. He thinks it's going backwards and we need to move forward. Bringing up the past only keeps us where we are. Eventually, I know that I must stop talking about it, but I'm a little frustrated that he said no more in his time line, not mine. It's seems a little unfair.
I see NY's point and I didn't consider that angle. Maybe let it cool for a while and "move forward" (as H put it) for a while. Maybe once H has a little more confidence in R/M he may be willing to open up a little more.
Do yourself a favor and don't mention the A again. Trust me on this one.. it will be the most positive step you can take with your H and M. Can you look at it as a gift from you to him? I understand how unfair it feels.. I've been there. But really, not talking about OW has been a good thing for our R. In fact, she doesn't exist in our R unless I'd be the one to bring it up. That's a gift I'm giving ME. Good luck!
I'm reading the Dance of Anger.. author is Lerner. It was recommended by someone on piecing. Very good book about breaking cycles and dealing with anger effectively. It's helped me to take responsibility for my anger and to not let it consume me. It helped me to see how the cycle of dragging H into a convo about OW was an ineffective way to communicate. I'd ask him about it to determine how much he loves me vs how he felt about her. Well, now I just concentrate on how he feels about me and if that's getting better day to day. Using his feelings or experiences with someone else is just not a good, useful yardstick in our M. He feels how he feels about me.. as long as that's getting stronger.. we're making progress!
