Update, my H came over for dinner last night. I told him that I wanted to come home. He is very reserved about this. He thinks it is too soon and that I need to continue healing. He feels that I am making progress but he also thinks that with a little more time, if we are patient, I will come home and really be ready. Right now, he doesn't want to put more pressure on the R and try to short term fix our R. He said he wants to look at the long term goal and that is we get back together and forget all of this. Unfortunately, I don't think that is a reality and I told him that. I won't forget, it will always be present in our R however, we can learn to deal with it in a more productive way. He again says that he WILL NOT talk about this A any longer and he WILL NOT answer any more questions. This frustrates me and puts an enormous burden on me. If I go home, I must NEVER talk about his according to him and I'm not sure that will happen. I plan on talking to our MC about this very issue tonight and my H and I decided to change courses with our MC. Most of sessions our MC has only mediated fights rather than offer tools on communication. We plan to explore these things tonight.
My delima is this - I feel I need to go home to really, really work on the M, my H fees like we need to give it more time because we can only tolerate each other in short spurts. Our goal is to take one night a week and spend the night with each other, and increase this as time goes by and then when we can be with each other more than just a few hours a day, then we'll be ready. I'm reserved about this only because I think it is all or nothing. You either work on the M full time or it will keep us stagnet rather than moving forward.
I am painfully aware that my angry outbursts have created more of a problem than a solution. I have unfortunately learned this the hard way. My H said some of the most cruel things to me in one of fits of anger and I have to say that I took this burden on myself and felt as though I deserved it! He told me that I no longer the victim, he is and he said that he will take control now, it is out of my hands and so on and so on and so on. Believe it or not this was the wake up call that I needed. I don't want the M to dissolve so I've made the decision to control my anger. I'm using thought control the best I can and I'm sure it will take some practice, but for the first time I'm willing to be willing.
Should I go back and live with my H or should I try to heal a little more? My H wants to see consistency, I want to give it a try and told him that if we aim at nothing, we'll hit nothing every time. What do you all think? Any advise?
