I called my MC yesterday and went to see him - alone. I explained to him that I have come to the realilzation that I'm co-dependant. I don't think I love my H, just fearful of being alone. He asked if I loved the man or do I love what the man brought into the R such as memories, companionship, etc. I am thinking about this. Sometimes I feel as though I analyze everything, I think too much. with that said however, I don't think with my H's character and if I met him today, didn't know much about him, would I date him? I don't think so because we would be traveling in two different directions. Then on the other hand, I think if I let him go I'll be making a big mistake and would possibly let a blessing slip through my fingers. Again, I am totally co-dependant. I don't believe I love the man, I love the thought of loving the man. I believe that my M is nearing the end. Not because we didn't try, but because I don't want it. It's too much for me to handle and God said that he would not give us more than we can handle with a way of escape. Well, adultery is my escape from a M that was never meant to be. It was born in sin and it has died in sin. I haven't quite given up, I'm still holding on and trying to be patient and let God guide me. I don't want to jump into a decision without "testing the spirit" and I think only time will help me with that.
My H is sick and tied of all of this but he'll have to find his own peace, I'm now working on me, not the R, not the M, I'm not trying to change him, I'm trying to change me and then I think God can take the lead rather than me trying to lead God.
