Your questions are some of the same that I ask myself. Why in the world do I dwell on the negative? The positives are that my H still loves me, wants to put our marriage back together but most of all he wants US to be happy. He told me that in the beginning he wanted me to be happy but he is now thinking more and more about his own happiness and the more we're together, the more he feels like our marriage is moving more in the downward mode as opposed to the upward mode and he can't take living in limbo much longer. He wants to move forward one way or another. He has taken quite a bit from me, verbally attacked, threats, etc. I told him the other night that I was going to blow the whistle on him at work and he threatened me that he would pick up and move away just so he could start a fresh new life.
I think the reason why I act the way that I act is because I feel extremely stupid. I had all the warning signs and I ignored them and I think I'm resonsible because it is almost that I gave him permission. I trusted everything he said, I never checked up on his stories and I beat myself up about this constantly.
My mom and my sister warns me constantly that my H is going to get fed up with all of this, leave me and then I will go into a mode of chasing him down, begging, pleading, etc. And I'll be sorry that I let him go. The thing is, the characteristics that I loved about him so much was his devotion to me, family, and frankly that he would never cheat. Well, he did, shortly after our 1st year anniversary of marriage and not only that, he stayed in the R with the bimbo for a year and a half. Now that I know that he is not faithful, it stares me in the face that my M was an illusion.
I want to move into another apartment and give myself another six months to overcome all of this but I'm scared to say anything to my H because this could be the straw that breaks our M up for good. I know that I'm not ready to live with him, but don't want to stay in the apartment that I have now because it is so depressing (it's a dump) and it adds to my depression everyday I have to go there.
I think my H has had enough and either I make a decision or he's going to make it for me.
Yes, I think I am sabatoging my M, I don't know why except for the fact that I do punish myself and think I deserve it because I was so stupid.
The positives are that my H still loves me, wants to put our marriage back together but most of all he wants US to be happy. He told me that in the beginning he wanted me to be happy but he is now thinking more and more about his own happiness and the more we're together, the more he feels like our marriage is moving more in the downward mode as opposed to the upward mode and he can't take living in limbo much longer. He wants to move forward one way or another. He has taken quite a bit from me, verbally attacked, threats, etc. I told him the other night that I was going to blow the whistle on him at work and he threatened me that he would pick up and move away just so he could start a fresh new life.
What does Gwyn want? He has taken quite a bit off of YOU? Before the A, or after? You can feel however you choose to feel for as long as you feel it. You don't need his permission. Again, what do YOU want? If you don't know yet, give yourself time to figure it out. My mom and my sister warns me constantly that my H is going to get fed up with all of this, leave me and then I will go into a mode of chasing him down, begging, pleading, etc. And I'll be sorry that I let him go.
Again, what do YOU want? They could be right, and doing those things probably wouldnt help your R with your H. But, whether you are sorry or not that you let him go has to depend on what you feel and what you want in your future, not whether your Mom, Sister, or H thinks something is good for you, bad for you, how you'll act, or whatever.
want to move into another apartment and give myself another six months to overcome all of this but I'm scared to say anything to my H because this could be the straw that breaks our M up for good. I know that I'm not ready to live with him, but don't want to stay in the apartment that I have now because it is so depressing (it's a dump) and it adds to my depression everyday I have to go there.
Here we go. You have written what you want. You fear you H's reaction, and that you'll lose him. Well sister, after all he's put you through, you deserve time and space to decide what you want for you. If you commit to have an R with him right now for any other reason than that you want it and can work on it , it probably won't work. You can only give what you have to give. As long as you feel like sabotaging the M (for any reason), it won't work. If you are honest with him about your feelings, and he can't take it, it's his choice.
I think my H has had enough and either I make a decision or he's going to make it for me.
Again, that is H's choice. Will you let fear of losing him decide this for you.. or will you let the decision be what is best for you right now? You could commit to working it out all day long, but if you are too emotionally sick to do that, how can he expect you to? On the other hand, maybe its just a matter of deciding you're gonna do it and then doing it. Only you know the answer to the questions you ask. Look in your heart.. ask Gwyn what she wants. Try not to think what H, or anyone else says about what you need... what do you need right now?
Time out? A good friend? For your H to hold you, and reassure you over and over and over? Ask for what you need right now, give what you can. It might be anti-DB, but you seem very emotional and confused. Give it some time and get some help for YOU first.
I am very emotionally sick. I realize that I am stuck right now and cannot move anywhere because I don't know what path I want. Will time help me? Or will time be the downfall of our marriage? My H won't wait forever and I'm very fearful that if he did leave me and give up for good, I'm afraid that I would regret that, but right now I hate him so much (I know it's an emotion but it's the only word I can think of to show my contempt) that I can't see my future. I don't know what I want. I want what we had but that is forever lost. I do not what I don't want. I don't want to be single. I despise all that garbage out there and I'm too old for the game playing. I feel sometimes that the only reason I want to stay in the M is because I don't want to be single. My H won't stay single long if we should divorce, he is to needy for a R. He has to love someone.
Have a question. Is it possible that I'm just not capable of getting beyond the affair, no matter how I would like to save the marriage, it just crosses my line and it won't happen for me? All the struggling that I do is because it is just something that is impossible for me to overcome. Or is this just an emotion?
When do you know whether you can get over the affair or not? When do you know if it's time to move beyond the marriage because the damage is far beyond what you can handle? No matter how hard you want the marriage to work, how do you know that it won't because it's too hard to move beyond all the "stuff"? My H says that he's just going with the flow and he doesn't think I can get over the affair. I'm beginning to think he's right. How do you know?
That's a really good question, Gwyn. There seem to be a lot of books on the subject that people recommend, though no titles come immediately to mind. I'd also suggest you ask this question over in the Piecing forum. There are a lot of folks there dealing with trying to make things work after the affair. They'll probably be very helpful.
Just don't abandon all of us over here!
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
Okay, here I go again. I asked my H to get individual counseling because I thought he needed it and he wanted to know why. I said because I think you need to explore the reasons why the A started, why it lasted so long, why he chose to do something so destructive, etc. and he said he already knew those answers. Am I wrong for asking him to seek counsel? Now I feel again that I'm the bad guy.
Just from curiousity, has he shared those answers with you? Do you agree with them? Would you like to share them here (if you already have just let me know and I'll look it up)?
Am I wrong for asking him to seek counsel?
Not wrong. Is this a deal breaker for you? If he doesn't go to C, you're out? If so, stick to your guns. If not, figure out what your "have to have"s are, then your "want to have"s and your "nice to have"s.
In the end, you can't make him go. You can only figure out what your reaction to his decision will be.
Are you feeling any better? Any calmer? Putting the R aside for a moment, what do you need for yourself right now?
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
She reminded him of his daughter (kinda warped,huh);
She threatened him that she would tell me, work, church, etc.
I don't buy it, because I know that she didn't threaten him in the beginning, only when he started to withdraw from the A. I really want to know why it lasted so long and that he won't/can't give me the answer.
No, counseling isn't a deal breaker. It would be nice, but okay, I can live with that.
Sometimes, I wish he would just go, then I can heal. But then I feel as though my life would be so empty without him there. Confusing, huh?
As for myself, I'm moving into a new apartment - cleaner, more cheerful. I'm just trying to buy space and time to sort through all of this. My H is getting very impatient, but I feel it's just not time for me to go home. I hope I'm not making the wrong decision and I hope I'm not causing more harm. My reaction I guess if he chose to leave would depend on how he left. Just not sure.
... what he believes are the answers, but they're not the real answers. Counseling may help BOTH of you realize what his real issues were. That's where work is needed too.
