Your questions are some of the same that I ask myself. Why in the world do I dwell on the negative? The positives are that my H still loves me, wants to put our marriage back together but most of all he wants US to be happy. He told me that in the beginning he wanted me to be happy but he is now thinking more and more about his own happiness and the more we're together, the more he feels like our marriage is moving more in the downward mode as opposed to the upward mode and he can't take living in limbo much longer. He wants to move forward one way or another. He has taken quite a bit from me, verbally attacked, threats, etc. I told him the other night that I was going to blow the whistle on him at work and he threatened me that he would pick up and move away just so he could start a fresh new life.
I think the reason why I act the way that I act is because I feel extremely stupid. I had all the warning signs and I ignored them and I think I'm resonsible because it is almost that I gave him permission. I trusted everything he said, I never checked up on his stories and I beat myself up about this constantly.
My mom and my sister warns me constantly that my H is going to get fed up with all of this, leave me and then I will go into a mode of chasing him down, begging, pleading, etc. And I'll be sorry that I let him go. The thing is, the characteristics that I loved about him so much was his devotion to me, family, and frankly that he would never cheat. Well, he did, shortly after our 1st year anniversary of marriage and not only that, he stayed in the R with the bimbo for a year and a half. Now that I know that he is not faithful, it stares me in the face that my M was an illusion.
I want to move into another apartment and give myself another six months to overcome all of this but I'm scared to say anything to my H because this could be the straw that breaks our M up for good. I know that I'm not ready to live with him, but don't want to stay in the apartment that I have now because it is so depressing (it's a dump) and it adds to my depression everyday I have to go there.
I think my H has had enough and either I make a decision or he's going to make it for me.
Yes, I think I am sabatoging my M, I don't know why except for the fact that I do punish myself and think I deserve it because I was so stupid.
