I've been there.. the uncontrollable rage. Luckily, it lasted one very long weekend and my H was a trooper. I read somewhere though (it might have been on this website?), that we are fooling ourselves when we say that we CAN'T control our emotions. We certainly can. We have to choose to. The example given was that we can be screaming and yelling at our kids about something, in the middle of a major argument with our spouse, and the phone rings. Immediately, we turn off the emotion and put on a happy voice for the caller. This is absolutely true. When I found out about my H, I was in a crying tizzy.. sobbing uncontrollably one day. Yet, when the dominoe's guy showed up at the door, I dried my eyes, smiled, paid for the pizza and fed the kids.
Could you schedule a time every day to let yourself rage and sob, whatever? Give yourself 30 minutes (out of your H's earshot), and get it out of your system and then "act as if" the rest of the day. If you think you're going through this to in some way show him how much pain you are in.. to make him pay.. to see if he still cares.. then STOP IT IMMEDIATELY! He knows that you're in pain (so is he), He is paying a price (he lost the same "perfect" marriage you did), and he does still care, or he'd have walked away.
I know this is hard.. I've been there. But, unless you start thinking "is this helping or hurting my relationship" before you act, you're going to drive him away. Have you really chosen your marriage? Have you committed to moving on? If not, then you might want to start there. As long as I was on a fence of being confused about what I wanted, I allowed my emotions to rule my world. Once you choose your marriage, only allow yourself to do things to build that relationship up. Have you read Divorce Remedy? If you haven't, do.
OK, just my two cents.. hope I don't offend you. I know when I was out of control and making my H miserable with my feelings and anger.. someone shoulda shook me out of my boots and made me realize that I was destroying his desire to stay with me. If you absolutely can't control your emotions.. think about seeing your doctor. He/she can give you something to stop the anxiety and help you to cope.
I guess that's it. I haven't chosen my marriage. I think I want to stay because it is the right thiing to do, but then I don't because there is so much damage to the marriage that I can't put it back together. I've got DR, I've skimmed it, not really enhaled it, but once again, for some reason, I can't find that it applies to me. I'm not sure why I think my situation is so much more traumatic than others. My H had no reason to be with this OW. She was so beneath him, the thought of anyone finding out about who his A was with, humiliates him because he would be a laughing stock. And I cannot logically reason this out. He had everything going for him and he chose to throw all away for someone so pathetic and homely. It is unbelievable.
Okay, I'll try and get back to the book DR and see if I can apply some of the tehcniques but again, my situation seems so different from everyone elses. And maybe you hit the nail on the head. This is a book of getting your marriage back together and I've not committed to that yet. I guess I need to make a decision.
Just wanted to say that I had a wonderful conversation with my mom. My mom is someone I've not talked too much about this because I don't have a lot of respect in her opinion, however, she really talked some sense into me. I'm taking a HUGE leap of faith and I am going to get his marriage back on track. The one thing that I can say is tha my H loves me and I love him - he's willing to work it out with me and I know that I can say without much hesitation that he's learned his lesson and I don't really believe that I'll have to worry about him cheating again. With that said, I'm going to try and I mean really try to work on putting this mess back together. I'll use that suggestion..... I'm answering the door so I need to straighten up. That was very helpful to me.
I do know that it's not going to be easy but what is the alternative, to leave a man that I'm totally in love with? What good is that? I'll still be sad so why not try to be with the man I love while I still have the precious gift that he's given me - a loving and remorseful heart. What else can anyone ask for?
I've started re-reading DR and I really don't get this "as if" stuff. Can someone give me some direction with this? I'm desparately trying to change my thinking but unfortunately, my sleep is invaded, I continue to loose weight and I'm still very unhappy. I try very hard to imagine myself without my H and it makes me very sad but at the same time, when I see myself with my H, I'm no more the happier. Again, I haven't committed to my M and I know that's why I'm where I am. How do you know if the M is something you want? Are there any questions that someone can throw out at me that will give me the issues that I really need to face. I met with my MC yesterday and he told me that he admired me for staying in the M and wants to help me along but he also knows that I have a very hard pill to swallow and he's not even too sure I'm going to be able to that, but he's there to help me along and will counsel me on my decision. I cannot get to that decision. And the circle continues to go round and round. I think staying M is the right thing to do so that's why I'm staying the course. However, with that said, all the "stuff" that I have to "get over" makes it very difficult. I'm not saying that his A cannot be forgiven, because it of course is, it's all the other stuff.
Once again, I sound desparate, doom and gloom and I know I have what so many of you out there want, a remorseful spouse, a spouse that will do anything to put this M back together so why is it that I'm having such difficulty with trying to let the A go? It is dead! I frankly am beginning to think that I'm just co-dependent and that I want someone in my life, no matter who it is, rather than no one.
I know you all are getting weary reading the same old stuff from me but your advise are always helpful and I appreciate your patience.
Okay. I think I pushed too hard with my anger. My H is done, through and ready to walk out. Why do I feel as though the reason the M failed was because of me when he was the one who acted out this disgusting deed. We decided to take a break from each other, not talk to each other, not see each other through the weekend and we'll touch basis later. It makes sense but why am I so scared?
I know you all have helped me in the past and I'm grateful but I am very concerned about me right now. I've lot 26 pounds in the last 5 months, I still am unable to sleep and I'm still very obsessive over my H affair. I hardly recognize myself any more. Does this depression ever end?
I'm afraid it only ends if you choose to end it. What are you doing to heal yourself? Are you seeking counselling? Are you taking care of yourself? You are physically incapable of getting past this if you don't eat, sleep and exercise. You are emotionally incapable of getting past it if you don't fill your life with positive people and experiences. It's in your power... it's not about just waking up and miraculously feeling better. You have to fight the depression with every ounce of strength God has given you. You can do this, but the key ideas in that sentence are "you" and "do".
Gwyn, many of us lose weight and can't sleep through the night and have the same symptoms as you. It's because we've been traumatized, and our minds and bodies are reacting to that by going into "flee or fight" mode. It won't last forever, but what's happening is this: your body thinks it's under attack for it's life because it's been hit with a trauma... so your body is keeping itself on the alert for your survival, even though it's overkill. It's pumping adrenaline into your system so that you're alert and ready to fight or run... so your sleep is light, your appetite is diminished so that you don't get bogged down with weight and groggy from a full stomach. I recall even my hearing magnified where I was aware of all sorts of sounds all around me that I never was cognizant of before. Your mind is obsessed on the event in order to keep it in front of you. Maybe it helps to understand that a lot of your physical and mental reactions are biochemical, nature's way of helping you survive the battle, by pumping chemicals through your system. Welcomed temporary relief can come from getting sleeping pills and anti depressants from your psychiatrist until your body stops reacting so severely. 5 months isn't a long time to go through this.
I've tried 3 different kinds of anti-depressents but the side effects were so severe I had to come off of them. I do have 2 kinds of sleeping pills and tranquilizers so maybe I should go ahead and start taking those again. I thought I was past all of this but here I go again.
5 months not very long? Oh my goodness, it seems like a lifetime and my H is growing more impatient everyday. He's not going to give me much more time and the pressure is reaking havoc on me. Any advise?
H is growing more impatient everyday. He's not going to give me much more time and the pressure is reaking havoc on me. Any advise?
Well, I think you're continually in the path of being reminded of the A simply because you're involved with restoring your relationship. So the past is continually being served to you. I get the sense then that as your pain wells up from those reminders and triggers, then you want H to know how bad it hurts, and you act in a way that lashes out at him so that he'll hurt just like you hurt.
Or is it that you inwardly do feel responsible and guilty for the marriage failing, and you're unconsciously sabotaging the relationship now to punish yourself.
Or you're sabotaging the relationship now because you're afraid if it repairs that it will only fall apart once more and hurt again.
I really don't know why you're acting the way you are, so...
What do you think your actions are all about?
P.S. H has to give you more time. Tell him I said so. What else can H do for you that you think would help?
