I've been there.. the uncontrollable rage. Luckily, it lasted one very long weekend and my H was a trooper. I read somewhere though (it might have been on this website?), that we are fooling ourselves when we say that we CAN'T control our emotions. We certainly can. We have to choose to. The example given was that we can be screaming and yelling at our kids about something, in the middle of a major argument with our spouse, and the phone rings. Immediately, we turn off the emotion and put on a happy voice for the caller. This is absolutely true. When I found out about my H, I was in a crying tizzy.. sobbing uncontrollably one day. Yet, when the dominoe's guy showed up at the door, I dried my eyes, smiled, paid for the pizza and fed the kids.
Could you schedule a time every day to let yourself rage and sob, whatever? Give yourself 30 minutes (out of your H's earshot), and get it out of your system and then "act as if" the rest of the day. If you think you're going through this to in some way show him how much pain you are in.. to make him pay.. to see if he still cares.. then STOP IT IMMEDIATELY! He knows that you're in pain (so is he), He is paying a price (he lost the same "perfect" marriage you did), and he does still care, or he'd have walked away.
I know this is hard.. I've been there. But, unless you start thinking "is this helping or hurting my relationship" before you act, you're going to drive him away. Have you really chosen your marriage? Have you committed to moving on? If not, then you might want to start there. As long as I was on a fence of being confused about what I wanted, I allowed my emotions to rule my world. Once you choose your marriage, only allow yourself to do things to build that relationship up. Have you read Divorce Remedy? If you haven't, do.
OK, just my two cents.. hope I don't offend you. I know when I was out of control and making my H miserable with my feelings and anger.. someone shoulda shook me out of my boots and made me realize that I was destroying his desire to stay with me. If you absolutely can't control your emotions.. think about seeing your doctor. He/she can give you something to stop the anxiety and help you to cope.
