Thanks. You say you still struggle. How long have you struggled? I don't think I have that kind of strength. I prayed this morning with all my heart and with all my soul. I cried out to God to heal my heart to give me a spirit of true forgiveness and yet I'm still have thoughts of revenge. I know this is not the spirit of God and I'm trying to anchor myself in His word, but I'm still have so much turmoil.
I was very interested in your post. I feel so much the same way as you do but I need to know, do you feel that God has truely answered your prayers? How can I be sure that God is speaking to me? I know this sounds weak as a christian, but on the one hand I feel as though God is putting distance between me and my marriage and on the other, I feel like that he wants me and my H to be together and stay married. IMO my H has not connected with God or is close to God and isn't searching for God's will. He's leaving it all up to me. So here is my struggle. He had a glorious affair, over a span of a year, 1/2 of our married life, now I have to "get over it" I have to "accept it", I have to "forgive", I have to, I have to, I have to, I have to.......why am I here? When will God answer? Don't get me wrong, I believe in God's time, I will have the answers meanwhile I'm holding on as best I can and sometimes, I feel like giving up too. Do you really think God wants us to stay married to a person who has cheapened God, our church, our vows? Doesn't God teach us to depart from the wicked? Love them yes, but do not sit with them. I think if I knew my H was walking this journey with God in the lead, I would have a little more peace about this, but for now, I think he's too ashamed to talk to God and frankly, looking back, I don't think he has ever had a personal relationship with God so he has no idea what I'm searching for so my struggle continues. Anything in this post makes sense? Am I a christian with little faith? As I type these questions, I'm answering myself and I realize that my journey has just begun and I have a long way to go.
IMO my H has not connected with God or is close to God and isn't searching for God's will... I think if I knew my H was walking this journey with God in the lead, I would have a little more peace about this... I don't think he has ever had a personal relationship with God so he has no idea what I'm searching for so my struggle continues.
But what he did do was come back to you and was remorseful and wanted to make the relationship work, and that's what you were given to work with.
I wrote a bit back that I sensed that you're looking to escape the personal responsibility of dealing with yourself head on. Now that I see you looking at H to 'search for God's will' and you looking for God to step in, additionally that you've also posted a plea for help similar to your initial plea ("I'm truely under a lot of pressure to make a decision quickly or I chance losing the marriage for good. Any advise?") a little over a month after first posting despite all the advice you have been given in the interim and other information throughout this site and the books that have been available for you throughout that time, but that you continue to go from resource to resource with no effect, confirms my sense to me.
And then I read:
I am in MC but his frustrates me because everything is all about me trying to cope with this.
And the answer you don't wish to hear is, yes, you're the one that has to cope with this and you're the one that has to get a handle on this. Not husband. Not anyone, but you. All roads you take will lead you back to that.
I feel responsible for it all.
Not "all", but you are responsible for your part. And it's your "part" that you're having all the difficulty with.
You write that since the onus is on you to get a handle on this, you find that frustrating. It's frustrating to you... why? Is it because you resent being put in this situation? Is it because you don't want to deal with it (who does, really?)? Because you want it to be over?
When will God answer?
People tend to look at their deity as if he's some sort of magic genie in the heavens that will pop things around for them by request. In these cases, that he'll put it in the WASs heart to effect a change in them. That defies scripture in that people have free will. Seeds may be planted, but not take root. What God has done for you by way of answer, is to have created you with intellect and the ability to act on that intellect. There is also quite a collection of counsel contained in scripture for those looking there, to advise how people should think and act and be for themselves and in their dealings with others. That counsel is about becoming a better person, basically, to be pleasing to God in their walk with him.
So, in this way the answers are being given to you. You have resources. You have intellect. You have the ability to go about your situation applying many things you're learning along the way, both to yourself and to your situation.
I know that I "choose" to be miserable, but I cannot overcome this feeling of toal disgust with my H.
I do believe you are in fact choosing to be miserable. The root problem is in your continuance of creating the kinds of emotions that make it difficult, if not impossible, to move forward. Look at this one example and see how this works:
1. I am desparate. I want answers on the road I need to choose. I don't want to be here anymore. 2. Each time I'm with him I feel insulted, humiliated, ashamed and disgusted. 3. Okay, I just talked to my H and he is wanting a divorce.
I surmise that your feelings influence how you speak with him. I could see someone throwing in the towel and saying they want a divorce after an emotionally heated conversation and I get the sense that's probably what happened here. Whatever happened, it's evident that H is seeing that the relationship is unworkable. Nothing's going to change, or have the opportunity to change, for the better until you make your inner changes first, no matter where you look for answers. The other option is to let the relationship crash and burn, but that's not going to bring you peace either.
Truth is, your feelings of desperation, being insulted, humiliated, ashamed and disgusted, et al, are not facts, but emotions. Emotions that are derived by thinking on things that lead to feeling that way. You know it's not working for you. You really do have to make use of techniques to pull through this. I know it's not easy... at first. It gets easier, especially after you start seeing positive results.
I think "acting as if" would go a long way for you right now. Part of that is to dismiss the negative thoughts when they occur, and look more into how you're going about interacting with your H so as to make it more positive. There is no magic pill, it requires intense effort and work and thought. Scripture says to have patience and bear up with things and practice loving-kindness, mildness, self-control (Galatians 5:22, 23). It's up to you to apply what you're learning.
You sound so much like me, it's scary. I "thought" I was in a good place with God, and then this happened. I realize now that my H hasn't been following God and has been "playing church". At first, H still gave it lip service. He was unable to feel God, read his bible, do anything. If you can get it, please read the book I recommended, Confident Woman. It'll help you realize who you are in Christ this very minute. Just remember, "All things work for the good of those who love God" Rom 8:28 That is the truth. And YES, ABSOLUTELY, God wants your marriage to succeed. He brought you together for a reason. Read James, Chapter 1 and see what it says about our trials. By going through this for my H, God is working on areas in my life that I need to be obedient in - patience, submission, faith. He is using what my H did (because God knew he would stray even before we were married), to make me a better Christian woman. I'll be able to hold my head up and say "Look what the Lord has done. Praise God" That is a promise from him. He NEVER changes, he's always the same.
I understand how you feel about God putting a distance between you and your H, but yet you feel like he wants the M to work. He truly does, but he also guards our hearts when we're hurting. He wants us to throw our cares upon him, and focus on what He wants us to do. Look at yourself. Here is an email that was sent to me by our Christian counselor when H was not at home. It changed me. I went to bible.org and looked up the articles for the verses he mentions below and prayed on them, studied them, and acted on them. I also listened to the audio he recommended and realized how hurtful I am with my words.
We believe it is best and biblical for the husband and wife to be counseled together ... in fact, we never counsel a couple separately. God's design for marriage is that the two are "one flesh" (Gen 2:24) and he commands us to speak (Eph 4:15,25-32) in a manner that is directed at solving problems. That simply cannot be accomplished when the two are separated. I understand that this may not be desirable emotionally, but God's commands assume His enablement (2 Pet 1:3; 2 Ti 3:16-17). Believers are to put off living by emotions and put on living by the principles/commands in God's all-sufficient Word (Eph 4:22-24) - that means obeying God whether we feel like it or not. This is also evidence of our salvation (cf 1 John, esp 1 Jn 4:20-5:2). This is God's best - so we cannot improve upon it. If you want to see more about what God's Word has to say about your particular situation, please go to http://www.gracechurchhuntsville.org/counselingresources.html and download the "Hope from God's Word" Bible study as well as listen to the audio lesson on the "4 Rules of Biblical Communication".
It's easy to get caught up in the sin of a spouse, but the good news is that you can be God's kind of person/wife/... regardless of how he behaves. Study 1 Pet 3:1-6 and see what instruction is given to wives whose husbands "do not obey the Word." Get busy with that - with your responsibilities (cf. Mt 7:2-5) and trust God for the rest (e.g., how your husband responds).
The primary goal in the life of all believers is it bring glory and honor to God (1 Cor 10:31; 2 Cor 5:9,10) - any other goal that is more important than that (i.e., you sin when you don't get it or you're willing to sin in order to get it) has become a sinful goal and repentance must occur. The Christian life is not free from problems - our priority is to produce Godly fruit in the midst of our problems (Ps 1).
God will bless your obedience!
Pray for your H. I know how it feels to see them not even trying. I'm still going through some of that with my H and it's hard to hope, but God is faithful. He HAS answered my prayers. I went from being a Christian that was satisfied, to being hungry, to having to pray and rest with Jesus. That's an amazing feeling. To HAVE to rely on God.. to HAVE to ask the Holy Spirit for help. I don't go through a day that's simple or easy anymore, but I also don't feel like I'm going through it alone anymore either. And, my H sees a change in me too. He has had to be brought down to his knees, but he now knows that he has to change, or as you said, we'll have to be out of fellowship with him.
Oh gosh Gwyn, I meant to say also. A realization that humbled me. I thought I was doing so good giving H another chance.. doing all those "have to's" you referred to. Not fair, not fair, not fair! But then, I realized that I'm only doing what I vowed to do before God when I married him. "For better or worse, richer or poorer..." There is a verse..hmmm.. the reference and my bible are at home (it's about servants and how they are just doing what a servant is supposed to do.. I think it's in Luke), but study the prodigal son too. I was so miffed when he first moved back home that everyone was trying to help him, baby him, etc and here I was doing all the sacrificing.. then I read the last verse of the prodigal son where the father roast the biggest calf to celebrate and the son who has been there working all along is jealous.. then the father says, my son you have always been right here with me. And I realize that is how I felt, like he was being celebrated when he had done so much wrong and I was being the servent and getting nothing - but I do have something - I've had God right here all along, and that's so much more. I've gotten to know Jesus intimately...nothing compares and H still isn't there yet. Even though he's getting the early attention, I've got my Father's attention and care - that is priceless.
Thank you. You've made me cry, not in a bad way, but in a WHOA, it is "me" not "him" that needs to change. God has just answered me through your words.
I've read your thread and I know that you don't want to be here but God has you here for a special reason. You give wonderful counsel and have brought so much peace to me on several occasions as well as many others.
As it stands now, we're living apart because I just couldn't take it anymore and neither could my H so it's best for now. I really do need to get in control of me. I need to get to that place of being remorseful for my behavior and to look at the good, the positive and my inner strength, rather than dwelling on the bad, the negative, and my weaknesses. I find strength and encouragement in your words and I will continue my journey in finding my peace with scriptures and prayers.
I woke up this morning in a lousy mood. I am having imaginary conversations with my H and the OW. Then I realized the OW is gone. She is no more. Why do I let her have power over me. Simple, I still have not forgiven.
I stopped at the grocery store last night and crab legs were on sale - my H loves them so I bought them and asked him if he would like to join me for dinner. He accepted, we cooked, laughed and for the first time in a long time, enjoyed the evening. He left, I hugged him (different for me - I use to beg him to stay the night with me and yelled at him when he rejected the offer), he left and I was okay. I read a little and then went to bed. As I said earlier in this post however, I woke up feeling lousy again. I don't know why I can't shake this feeling, NY is right, I have many resources but continue to search for more, maybe hoping for a different answer that is better suited for me. The answer is rooted in me, if I want this M to work, then work I must do. If I want it to end, then end it I must do. I know, under the circumstances, God will bless me either way, but I believe that God has put this in our life for a purpose. Maybe a wake up call to me that I need to turn back to him, or maybe a wake up call to my H to start living a life more honestly, without trying to act like a big shot. I am having major trouble forgiving him, I have to convince myself everyday to leave the burden at the foot of the cross, some days are easier than others, but it is becoming a little less stressful.
My H and I had to leave the church that we attended because there is just too much "stuff" there. The OW stalked us at church (unbeknownst to me), she sat several pews behind me, watching, etc. and my H is so ashamed and humiliated he can't see himself facing all of the people that he disappointed. One thing he said the other night, that I discounted but looking back on his words - they were HUGE. He said "he knew the church would accpet us back and in time, he would like to go back". He is finally facing his issues head on. And, I have to be supportive and be a life line to him, even if I don't feel like it, even if I don't want to, but this will be a leap of faith for me and "faith without works is dead". I must let this "stuff" go and move into a direction that will both fulfill me and my H. I have a confession to make. I was sooooo convicted when I married my H since it was my second marriage, I would not allow a religious service, I wanted a civil service. It has haunted me since we were married. I expressed my concern to my H over and and over again, but he couldn't understand. I believe when we're ready to make the marriage work, really work, I believe the first thing we must do is to vow our commitment and our convenant to each other with God's blessing. Sounds stupid, but I think it is a must. I'm still flip-flopping and thanks to everyone for keeping me in check. I admit that I'm still confused, I want to put the marriage back together, then I don't, but one thing for sure, I don't want to be single and play all those stupid single games. I have a H who truely loves me, wants more than anything to grow old with me and to nurture our marriage. What more can I possibly want and what more can God possibly want for me? Oh my Gosh, I think I've just put into words what I've been missing all along. God wants me to be happy and for my H to be happy and since we CAN be happy together, why not be happy?
Thanks for all your advise and words of encouragement are always appreciated.
How about, just for today, you be happy? Give your mind a break. Try not to figure this out. Try not to worry about what you're going to do about your M. Imagine what a day would be like when you were happy and clueless. Act "AS IF". I've been having to stop my thoughts in their tracks and tell myself that I can think about it later. Last night when H and I were lying in bed and he was being sweet, a question came to mind. He was offered another job yesterday (which means he could get away from OW permanently), and I wanted to ask if he was going to take it. Instead of asking, I decided to just enjoy the moment with him and let him bring up the subject when he's ready. There were a couple of other things that came to mind.. worries.. when he gets close to me, it sets my mind to wondering and thinking, obsessing. But I decided that I DESERVE to have happy moments with H, and if he has those memories to take with him to work, he'll be thinking of how sweet I am, not of how bad the night before was with me. Today I woke up singing. 4 months later I've decided to forgive him and trust him again. Whatever residual pain or insecurity that comes from his A, I choose to not dwell on it, use it against him in the future, or try to make him pay for what he's done. I'm taking stock of the positives. I've set boundaries for our relationship and made them clear. We can't have a future unless he never speaks to OW again, or if he cheats on me, but I also realize that we can't have a future unless I decide to let her go too. We can't be happy unless I change how I feel about what's happened and move on. I know the pain is great. Choose not to let that pain control your life today and in the future.
Great job last night on dinner!!! It's a wonderful step forward into a new life. The feelings this morning, they are just feelings.. let 'em go. Think about last night and relish the fact that you two can still connect!
Okay guys, I blew it again!!!! My H wants more than anything to reconcile. He is trying so hard to create new memories and wants to be a part of my life but I cannot get beyond this rage that I feel. Maybe I'm hopeless. Maybe the wounds are too deep. Maybe for his benefit I should let him go. I'm wearing him down and I completely had an emotional break down this past week end. I know I have all the resouces and I try and try to remember what I've learned but I cannot control this rage!!! I'm so sick, so tired, so drained, I don't think I can go on much longer. He wants me and I want him, but I cannot block all the deception, the lies, the 1 1/2 he was in this relationship from my mind. No matter how I try!!! The key is to forgive of course, but I can't seem to get there, no matter how I try, pray, etc. I can't seem to let this go. HELP, PLEASE - my marriage hangs in turmoil and it is getting beyond reconciliation.
I'm concerned reading your posts because emotionally you always seem to be stuck in one place. If you are DBing there should be moments of peace or pride from your GAL, 180s etc. Where are these? You seem to be drowning in despair, which is a terrible thing to live.
It leads me to wonder... there is nothing that you have posted that we haven't all felt - the despair, the anger, the hurt. But it's all that you seem to be posting. You don't seem unable as much as unwilling to move past these feelings. You are clutching them as though they are all you have.
I wonder about your relationship prior to this... clearly ever person here had flaws in their relationship, can you articulate yours? Perhaps are you using your unwillingness to move forward from your H's affair to leave a marriage you didn't want to be in? It's your "out"?
Can you try sitting down and making a list of specific things he could start doing that would earn your trust?
Can you sit down and think of ways that your marriage was suffering before the A, and how to fix those, instead of obsessing on the A?
Why are you choosing to stay in this place of despair? Why does the idea of healing frighten you?
Thank you for your post. Truthfully speaking, I was very reserved in marrying my H but I decised to marry him because I loved him and he loved me and I knew I wanted him in my life. I was as happy as I could be in my marriage. I confided in all of my friends that I did not know what I did in life to deserve such happiness. I think that is why I am so devastated. Our marriage lacked nothing, it was "perfect". I know that's hard to believe, but we were VERY happy.
