I'm concerned reading your posts because emotionally you always seem to be stuck in one place. If you are DBing there should be moments of peace or pride from your GAL, 180s etc. Where are these? You seem to be drowning in despair, which is a terrible thing to live.
It leads me to wonder... there is nothing that you have posted that we haven't all felt - the despair, the anger, the hurt. But it's all that you seem to be posting. You don't seem unable as much as unwilling to move past these feelings. You are clutching them as though they are all you have.
I wonder about your relationship prior to this... clearly ever person here had flaws in their relationship, can you articulate yours? Perhaps are you using your unwillingness to move forward from your H's affair to leave a marriage you didn't want to be in? It's your "out"?
Can you try sitting down and making a list of specific things he could start doing that would earn your trust?
Can you sit down and think of ways that your marriage was suffering before the A, and how to fix those, instead of obsessing on the A?
Why are you choosing to stay in this place of despair? Why does the idea of healing frighten you?
