I woke up this morning in a lousy mood. I am having imaginary conversations with my H and the OW. Then I realized the OW is gone. She is no more. Why do I let her have power over me. Simple, I still have not forgiven.
I stopped at the grocery store last night and crab legs were on sale - my H loves them so I bought them and asked him if he would like to join me for dinner. He accepted, we cooked, laughed and for the first time in a long time, enjoyed the evening. He left, I hugged him (different for me - I use to beg him to stay the night with me and yelled at him when he rejected the offer), he left and I was okay. I read a little and then went to bed. As I said earlier in this post however, I woke up feeling lousy again. I don't know why I can't shake this feeling, NY is right, I have many resources but continue to search for more, maybe hoping for a different answer that is better suited for me. The answer is rooted in me, if I want this M to work, then work I must do. If I want it to end, then end it I must do. I know, under the circumstances, God will bless me either way, but I believe that God has put this in our life for a purpose. Maybe a wake up call to me that I need to turn back to him, or maybe a wake up call to my H to start living a life more honestly, without trying to act like a big shot. I am having major trouble forgiving him, I have to convince myself everyday to leave the burden at the foot of the cross, some days are easier than others, but it is becoming a little less stressful.
My H and I had to leave the church that we attended because there is just too much "stuff" there. The OW stalked us at church (unbeknownst to me), she sat several pews behind me, watching, etc. and my H is so ashamed and humiliated he can't see himself facing all of the people that he disappointed. One thing he said the other night, that I discounted but looking back on his words - they were HUGE. He said "he knew the church would accpet us back and in time, he would like to go back". He is finally facing his issues head on. And, I have to be supportive and be a life line to him, even if I don't feel like it, even if I don't want to, but this will be a leap of faith for me and "faith without works is dead". I must let this "stuff" go and move into a direction that will both fulfill me and my H. I have a confession to make. I was sooooo convicted when I married my H since it was my second marriage, I would not allow a religious service, I wanted a civil service. It has haunted me since we were married. I expressed my concern to my H over and and over again, but he couldn't understand. I believe when we're ready to make the marriage work, really work, I believe the first thing we must do is to vow our commitment and our convenant to each other with God's blessing. Sounds stupid, but I think it is a must. I'm still flip-flopping and thanks to everyone for keeping me in check. I admit that I'm still confused, I want to put the marriage back together, then I don't, but one thing for sure, I don't want to be single and play all those stupid single games. I have a H who truely loves me, wants more than anything to grow old with me and to nurture our marriage. What more can I possibly want and what more can God possibly want for me? Oh my Gosh, I think I've just put into words what I've been missing all along. God wants me to be happy and for my H to be happy and since we CAN be happy together, why not be happy?
Thanks for all your advise and words of encouragement are always appreciated.
