IMO my H has not connected with God or is close to God and isn't searching for God's will... I think if I knew my H was walking this journey with God in the lead, I would have a little more peace about this... I don't think he has ever had a personal relationship with God so he has no idea what I'm searching for so my struggle continues.
But what he did do was come back to you and was remorseful and wanted to make the relationship work, and that's what you were given to work with.
I wrote a bit back that I sensed that you're looking to escape the personal responsibility of dealing with yourself head on. Now that I see you looking at H to 'search for God's will' and you looking for God to step in, additionally that you've also posted a plea for help similar to your initial plea ("I'm truely under a lot of pressure to make a decision quickly or I chance losing the marriage for good. Any advise?") a little over a month after first posting despite all the advice you have been given in the interim and other information throughout this site and the books that have been available for you throughout that time, but that you continue to go from resource to resource with no effect, confirms my sense to me.
And then I read:
I am in MC but his frustrates me because everything is all about me trying to cope with this.
And the answer you don't wish to hear is, yes, you're the one that has to cope with this and you're the one that has to get a handle on this. Not husband. Not anyone, but you. All roads you take will lead you back to that.
I feel responsible for it all.
Not "all", but you are responsible for your part. And it's your "part" that you're having all the difficulty with.
You write that since the onus is on you to get a handle on this, you find that frustrating. It's frustrating to you... why? Is it because you resent being put in this situation? Is it because you don't want to deal with it (who does, really?)? Because you want it to be over?
When will God answer?
People tend to look at their deity as if he's some sort of magic genie in the heavens that will pop things around for them by request. In these cases, that he'll put it in the WASs heart to effect a change in them. That defies scripture in that people have free will. Seeds may be planted, but not take root. What God has done for you by way of answer, is to have created you with intellect and the ability to act on that intellect. There is also quite a collection of counsel contained in scripture for those looking there, to advise how people should think and act and be for themselves and in their dealings with others. That counsel is about becoming a better person, basically, to be pleasing to God in their walk with him.
So, in this way the answers are being given to you. You have resources. You have intellect. You have the ability to go about your situation applying many things you're learning along the way, both to yourself and to your situation.
I know that I "choose" to be miserable, but I cannot overcome this feeling of toal disgust with my H.
I do believe you are in fact choosing to be miserable. The root problem is in your continuance of creating the kinds of emotions that make it difficult, if not impossible, to move forward. Look at this one example and see how this works:
1. I am desparate. I want answers on the road I need to choose. I don't want to be here anymore. 2. Each time I'm with him I feel insulted, humiliated, ashamed and disgusted. 3. Okay, I just talked to my H and he is wanting a divorce.
I surmise that your feelings influence how you speak with him. I could see someone throwing in the towel and saying they want a divorce after an emotionally heated conversation and I get the sense that's probably what happened here. Whatever happened, it's evident that H is seeing that the relationship is unworkable. Nothing's going to change, or have the opportunity to change, for the better until you make your inner changes first, no matter where you look for answers. The other option is to let the relationship crash and burn, but that's not going to bring you peace either.
Truth is, your feelings of desperation, being insulted, humiliated, ashamed and disgusted, et al, are not facts, but emotions. Emotions that are derived by thinking on things that lead to feeling that way. You know it's not working for you. You really do have to make use of techniques to pull through this. I know it's not easy... at first. It gets easier, especially after you start seeing positive results.
I think "acting as if" would go a long way for you right now. Part of that is to dismiss the negative thoughts when they occur, and look more into how you're going about interacting with your H so as to make it more positive. There is no magic pill, it requires intense effort and work and thought. Scripture says to have patience and bear up with things and practice loving-kindness, mildness, self-control (Galatians 5:22, 23). It's up to you to apply what you're learning.
